Another Trying Day

You know, that's not true. I just had a trying hour, but it ruined my entire day.

I had a presentation to do for four people pretty high on the food chain, who I very little interaction with before today. Two of them actually work from, or spend a lot of time in the NY office with me, and the other two are pretty steadily in DC. I prepared mentally for the challenge - or so I thought - but I had allowed myself to get so intimidated by the bars on their lapels, that I found myself drawing blanks, getting tongue-tied, and totally losing my footing during the demo. I'd stumble on something and have the damndest time recovering, making me even more nervous, and that is unusual for me. I've carved my career on being the clutch player. I've always been good under pressure. Today, I just fell apart.

I managed to get through the forty-five minute presentation, but it took everything in me not to run out of the room when I was done. I braced myself for the feedback, knowing I had buckled under the pressure, and while it wasnt that brutal, I couldnt help but feel patronized by what was said. Some consideration was taken for the fact that I am so far removed from the real goings-on of our business by being in NY, where everyone else on my team is based in DC, but I didnt want that to even become a factor. I wanted to leave that presentation feeling like I instilled the confidence that I was just as knowledgeable and adept at my job as anyone else, but that didnt happen. In fact, I feel like I made myself a target, being contracted as opposed to permanent, and not being as exposed to the trench fire as my counterparts, due to the fact that the reps I partner with are so hands-on and handle most of their customer interactions themselves.

One thing I realized while I was recounting the experience to my boyfriend is that I had created the majority of the pressure myself, but it didnt make dealing with my perceived failure any easier. The people I presented to seemed to say I made mistakes commong among my peers, but that wasnt good enough for me. I NEEDED to knock this out the box. I needed the group to see that I was capable and that I knew my job. This is a presentation that I have done dozens of times in front of customers, but when it came down to a certification of my ability to do it, I choke, and I feel awful. The perfect run of it I had in my mind did not translate in that room today. Now Im left wondering what the written feedback will say and what my boss will think of it. It could make him even more eager to have me in DC, which the panel was happy to hear was in the works, or it could make him question whether or not I even belong there. Of course, as my own worst critic, I could be making more of the situation that there really is to it, but Im in a competitive position and failure, even only in my mind, is just not acceptable.

So all I can do right now is sip from this red plastic cup and stew on what is to come. I still feel panicked, even though the meeting was five hours ago, and I feel like it will be a few days before Im okay again. I hope I am making a mountain of a mole hill. I just know that if I were on the other side of that table today, I wouldnt feel confident in my abilities. At this moment, what I think of it is all that matters and I cant get out of my own head, but I guess I'll see soon enough....

*sigh*