Gravity

I had a meltdown today.

At the very tail end of the day, my emotions started to overwhelm me. I made it out of the building and around the corner to the train station before things really started to take a tumble. I got on the train without looking, assuming it was the one I needed - because it always is - and it was going in the wrong direction. When I realized it, the levee broke and it was all I could do to swallow back the tears. On my IPOD: "Gravity" - John Maher.

"Gravity is working against me.
Gravity wants to bring me down..."

I got off at the next stop, thinking I'd just go up, out and around and get back on the 6 in the opposite direction, but by the time I made it up the stairs, I was looking for a wall to slide down. I went all the way out of the station, and found a rail to lean against, but what was I supposed to do then? I was still in the midst of a rack of people who didnt need to see me being a mess, so I whipped out my blackberry and tried to distract myself long enough to pull myself together.

I was ok for a little bit. I got back on the train and continued with my normal commute, choking back tears at several points along the way as various other songs played on my IPOD, mocking the state I was in, then by the time I hit the port authority, my eyes just flooded. I closed them as I went up the escalator, to keep any tears from falling, and I told myself I could make it home - or at least the pseudo-home I was headed to. Wrong again. The wait for the bus was about twenty minutes. I spent the last ten avoiding my reflection in the glass, knowing it would be over if I saw the face of how I was feeling.

20 minutes later, I got off the rush hour bus and walked up the street that, for once, had no people on it. I could cry now without being a spectacle. But I couldnt. The tears just wouldnt come.

Even now, I just feel kind of numb. i know some time tonight, I'll break, but right now, there's nothing. The apartment search is extremely frustrating, not to mention, putting my body through hell. I'll be sick any day now, or my back will throw out, and I cant afford either. My mother is still calling me, asking me for money like she dont give a damn about me having to put a deposit down on a place, and acting like Im the one being selfish. My kids arent even there anymore - Im supposed to give you some RETROACTIVE shit, when I've already given you $450? Now you want me to pay for your parking pass? YOUR PARKING PASS, NIGGA??? REALLY??? I really feel like she saw me getting this job as an opportunity for HER to come up. I send her money for a specific purpose, she does something else with it, and expects me to send her more money for the original purpose. Where they do that at?

I miss my friends. Like.... I REALLY miss my friends. Even the ones that get on my nerves a lot. The shady ones.... the sometimey ones.... the lyin ass ones LOL.... I miss them. On any given night, I'd get a text saying someone was on their way, and even if we didnt mean to, we'd end up in some serendipitous conversation neither of us knew we needed so much. My friend here, we're not friends like that. We dont talk like that. I know people down here, yeah, but for all intents and purposes, they are just that - people I know.

I miss my kids like crazy, and Im gonna have to disappoint them and not go see them next weekend for Halloween, like I planned. Apartments here are expensive as hell and I've only been working for a month. I cant afford to spend another dime until I secure a place, if Im gonna move on the 1st, and Im not all that sure I'll be able to. Its in a week and a half and I'll be in DC most of that time. If something doesnt shake in the next couple of days...... *sigh*

I gave up everything for this. I WILL make it work, if I gotta move outta here and stay in a hotel until an apartment turns up. But Im homesick. I wish I could afford to go back for the weekend and just get a dose of home to tide me over for a while. I cant.... obviously. So I guess all there is to do is make it through the night.

"Gravity has taken better men than me
But how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is......."