Me and My Randomness

I think I want my heart broken. Not broken in some naive "ooooh he played you, stupid" way, where I've sniffed after some idiot who was never worth my time and compromised myself in the process. Im talking about broken like.... "I've been with this guy, really building and connecting and loving and all of a sudden something's broken" broken. No? Ok. Follow me.

You know how it is when youre seeing someone - it may or may not be serious like that, but they mean something to you - and you have your first really big fight, that you just cannot fathom ever getting past, but in your heart of hearts, you know you will, because you've built something that neither of you is going to let waste away over a misunderstanding or some hurt feelings? Thats what I need, I think. Not heartbreak like... crying into a bowl of corn flakes, for 2 weeks, not going to work, and being ready to jump out the window, kinda heartbreak LOL. But, maybe being at work, looking a mess, not answering my cell phone cause I dont wanna talk about it kinda heartbreak. Those are the ones you get past. Of course, you only know it in retrospect - while youre in the middle of it, the world just about stops spinning - but you do get past it. And, again in retro, if you could jump ahead, only to look back, and see the two of you making up, you'd really learn to appreciate the time you spent in agony LOL. But Im not sure I want all the other stuff you'd have to do to get to that point LOL. I dont even know if I remember how.

I just havent felt.... connected... to anybody or anything in quite some time and Im starting to think that connective tissue, that at some point tore away from my last real attachment (whenever that was LOL), has healed and scabbed over, no longer needing to be rooted to anything on the other end. And that wouldnt be so scary if I didnt know what I was capable of LOL

*sigh*

See, this is what happens when Im not drinking LOL and yall shouldnt have to put up with my random foolishness, so from now on, no more sober posts.... after 5.... on Wednesdays! LOL