You'll Always Know

“You’ll always know the reasons why we’ll never have the moon and the sky…”

Oddly enough, I was thinking about my first boyfriend when this song came on. I don’t think about him often at all, but when I do, its usually about the song and dance we do whenever we see each other – we stop and chat briefly and he asks for my number, or gives me his, then we speak once or twice after that and then nothing. And I imagine myself asking him every time, “aren’t you tired of doing the same dance?” and he pretends not to know what I mean, dismissing my explanation and leaving, yet again, with my number, or me with his. Next time, we’ll just leave. Years of dancing is hell on your feet, and the music stopped playing a long time ago.

I briefly thought about a couple of other guys who have had one foot in and one foot out of my life for a number of years and I think, yeah, they know too. They know exactly why we’ll never be anything more than this – and frankly, I am even tired of THIS. And lastly, my Ex – with a capital E. I know he is going to attempt reconciliation when he returns and its just not something I will ever be able to do. There was a time that I felt guilty for not being able to let bygones be, but now I realize that I have the right not to. I forgive him, but I will never be able to forget, because every time I come across that void he left me with, I will remember. Every time I look to that place in me, that part of me, that no longer exists, I remember. Every time I trip over this rock in the path of my spirit that wasn’t here before, I remember. You know how people get surgeries to remove the part of their brain that desires something bad – like nicotine or deviant behavior? I feel like he did that to me. He removed the part of me that was able to trust and be in love with him and its irreparable. I think about the times that he tried to kiss me and I’d literally feel a dry heave coming. The thought of being with him physically repulses me. Im not even kidding, it makes me physically sick. So there is no going back for us, but he’ll always know the reasons why.

It seems almost every boyfriend I have ever had has come back around, but the reasons those relationships ended always leave me like “dude, what are you doing?” LOL Like… what on earth would make you think I would go back there? I cannot think of one [official] ex of mine that I would take back today. Some were douches, some had manhood issues, some wouldn’t know the truth if they choked on it and some just don’t jive with the person I’ve become since their first go-round. Not a one would I take back, and Im sure they all know why. But Im glad Sade reminded me tonight, because I gotta admit... sometimes, when the music’s playing and Im in the middle of the mall, I forget...