I Think Im Just Over It

I have a really good memory. I’ve always known this, but after talking to a friend today who I haven’t really talked to in a while until recently, I realized its kind of sick LOL. Granted, there are inconsequential things that I forget, but I remember most important things, sometimes down to dates and days of the week, years later. I ran down a situation today that I wasn’t sure I would recall, simply because it had been so long, and I talked myself through every damn detail like it was yesterday. Part of that, I’m sure, was because some of it was painful and you don’t tend to forget things that hurt you, but out of that conversation came a lot of good. We resolved the thing that had separated us and I also got to thinking, through other random conversation, about some really great moments in love that I have had in my life.

I had a man propose to me on the ledge of a waterfall.

I had a man feed me passion fruit by candlelight, and slow dance with me in the middle of my living room.

I had a man hold me while I cried and tell me he’ll always be here – and he still shows up whenever I call.

I’ve had crab legs and corona delivered to my door every Friday like clockwork.

I’ve had a sushi lesson that ended in fire coming out of my nose, followed by twenty minutes of hysterical laughter and a legendary “I Never” experience none of my friends will ever let me forget.

I had a guy climb through my window to bring me orange juice, crackers and soup when I was sick ….and on punishment.

I had a guy search the Internet for a trench coat I saw in a video so I could wear it when we recreate said video in the middle of Times Square. He never found it, but the effort tickled me to pieces.

I have had a lot of beautiful moments like these, so its almost all worth the bullshit I have had to deal with, just to say that I did. ALMOST LOL. No really, through everything, Im not sure I’d change any of it. Well….. maybe one…. but that’s because, all things considered, no real good came from that situation, and no positive experience was had that wasn’t also had somewhere else along the line, so he could be totally eliminated from my history and I could be spared the aggravation he caused.

I guess being able to pull these files from the cabinet of my life is the main reason Im not jaded – although, if people had access to the files in that “other” cabinet, no one could blame me if I was. I don’t hate men, I don’t blame them all for the bullshit of a few, and I don’t engage in bashing of any sort…. I don’t think LOL. The problem now is the dumb shit that makes me not wanna be bothered.

Like a couple of weeks ago. This guy told me I make him laugh, like it was breaking news. That led to a very brief conversation about all the other things about me and our relationship that he deems positive, which should cancel out the ONE negative of the distance between us, which he followed up with something like “I guess I have some things to think about.”

**staring into the camera**

GTFOH with that bullshit. Six years, its been. Now, all of a sudden, Im supposed to believe this light just went off (a light which I, myself, have not only turned on for you several times in the past, but pulled from the damn ceiling, waved in front of your face, and beat you within an inch of your life with, mind you) and now you have some things to think about? Pardon me if I don’t hold my breath, because you and I both know the only reason we are even having this conversation is because I stopped sweating you and you want to see if you can still reel me in. Im good, thanks.

Games. But that’s the type of dumb shit Im talking about. I realized in talking to my girlfriend, who wants a boyfriend more than her next breath, that I don’t, and whats worse, I really just don’t care, at the moment, if I never officially have another one. I mean, if I fall into something, that’s fine, but its not really on my list of things to do. I have enough guy friends to get my testosterone fix, and sex – well – half these fools out here cant even get that right these days (don’t even get me started on that LOL) but if I want that, I can get that too. At this particular second (cause it could change at any moment LOL) I just feel like I don’t wanna have anybody hovering around all the time, calling all the time, asking a hundred questions and feeling entitled to answers. I’ve grown to like my space too much, I think. I’ve grown to enjoy not having to explain myself or my actions or what I meant by something and I like dealing with people on my own terms – only if and when I feel like it. I guess the single life has spoiled me a bit, but that being said, I do believe that its just a matter of the RIGHT person coming along. The RIGHT guy could have me throwing all of that out the window and I am in no way in denial about that, but he’s gonna have to find me, cause right now, Im chillin.

Now watch Mr Right get a flat tire in front of my house tomorrow and need to use my phone, just cause I said that LOL…. **smh**