And again I've been up since the ass crack of dawn. I think my bed hates me.
5:50 this time. Called myself trying to go back to sleep, but 10 minutes later, my alarm goes off, cause I forgot to cancel it for the holiday. Turned it off, canceled the one that was coming 30 minutes later and again tried to force myself back to sleep. It just was not happening, so I just layed there with my eyes closed and the cover over my head to block out the sun and opened my mind and spirit to everything I knew was coming.
God's time with me is usually in the 4:00 hour, but I guess he's on daylight savings time too LOL. Typically I'd wake up some time in that hour, feeling fully awake, not groggy, not anything - just up. There would be no discernable thoughts flowing through my mind, but I'd know something was happening. 10 or 15 minutes later, I'd go right back to sleep, like it never happened. Wasnt no "right back to sleep" this time, but I think I was having another one of those experiences.
This time, the thoughts were conscious, but I wasnt powering them. I've been going back and forth about some things and had decided to be still until God showed me the direction to take. One of those things, Im now pretty clear on. It might not have been the biggest issue, but definitely the most sensitive. Clarity on the others, I hope will also be coming down the pike relatively soon.
So maybe my bed doesnt hate me. God just loves me LOL and he wants his time with me when he wants his time with me. If its 4 or 5am, hey, you gotta be there for the ones you love LOL. I feel lighter, so I cant be mad, even if I do wish I was STILL sleeping right now.... *smh*
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Is it Friday Yet?
I am soooo annoyed. I wish I could go into detail but………… I cant LMAOOOOOOOO!
Don’t worry, you didn’t miss the joke, it really wasn’t funny. Sometimes I just need to laugh at my frustration. Its one of those days when a thunderstorm comes outta nowhere on a sunny day, you have a small umbrella but as soon as you open it, a gust of wind rips it in half cause its cheap LOL and then you run down the stairs, trying to hurry up and get out of the rain and you break a heel in the process, bend down to pick it up and split your pants, stand up too quick and hit your head on a low-hanging billboard sign and knock yourself unconscious LOL.
No, none of this really happened, silly, Im just analogizing LOL. Im not sure that’s even a word, but it is now. You gon learn today LOL.
The bright side…. I got to come in to work late and pretend to be sleep for an extra hour AND lunch is free today. Cant stop being grateful for the little things….. but I sure wouldn’t mind if they were just a little bit bigger LOL. At least as big as the annoyances. That would be awesome. Jesus, can you get on that? Thanks.
LOL
Don’t worry, you didn’t miss the joke, it really wasn’t funny. Sometimes I just need to laugh at my frustration. Its one of those days when a thunderstorm comes outta nowhere on a sunny day, you have a small umbrella but as soon as you open it, a gust of wind rips it in half cause its cheap LOL and then you run down the stairs, trying to hurry up and get out of the rain and you break a heel in the process, bend down to pick it up and split your pants, stand up too quick and hit your head on a low-hanging billboard sign and knock yourself unconscious LOL.
No, none of this really happened, silly, Im just analogizing LOL. Im not sure that’s even a word, but it is now. You gon learn today LOL.
The bright side…. I got to come in to work late and pretend to be sleep for an extra hour AND lunch is free today. Cant stop being grateful for the little things….. but I sure wouldn’t mind if they were just a little bit bigger LOL. At least as big as the annoyances. That would be awesome. Jesus, can you get on that? Thanks.
LOL
Sunday, May 20, 2012
All Again
I been trying NOT to be up since 6:50 this morning.
The sun just would not let me stay sleep, nobody was playing words With Friends and I didnt feel like Facebook, so I guess the natural thing was just to sit up and stare out my bedroom window at what I believe are hydrangea bushes in my neighbor's yard, and just think.
It started out about bills and how I would manage to pay them.
Then it went on to the trip to the grocery store I have to make that should probably happen before it gets too hot outside.
Then it went to the paper I have to write tomorrow using a book I dont yet have and how I need to spend some time on the job hunt today.
A couple of other things floated through my mind and finally the thought of "doing it all again." Not just this move, but my life.
I've said a couple times before I would love the opportunity to go back in time, knowing the things I know now, but damn.... if given the power to change things.... how would you decide what you should or shouldnt do differently?
Some things are easy - like avoiding meaningless heartache, fake friends, and obvious mistakes - but other things are hard...... like children and the person you chose to have them with.... like college and some of the choices you made while you were there.... like choosing love over opportunity..... like staying too long..... or walking away too soon.... like that time in the kitchen.... those 20 years..... or ill-fated good intentions.
Did things work out for the best, or might my life be better had I done these things differently? I'll never know. But my creative mind delights in the possibilities of all the things I might have done..... been. Its much easier than wallowing in the regret of all the things I didnt do..... become. I learned that little lesson on perspectives at a time when life had me on my knees. Might not wanna change that one either.
Mm. Well. Off to the store.
The sun just would not let me stay sleep, nobody was playing words With Friends and I didnt feel like Facebook, so I guess the natural thing was just to sit up and stare out my bedroom window at what I believe are hydrangea bushes in my neighbor's yard, and just think.
It started out about bills and how I would manage to pay them.
Then it went on to the trip to the grocery store I have to make that should probably happen before it gets too hot outside.
Then it went to the paper I have to write tomorrow using a book I dont yet have and how I need to spend some time on the job hunt today.
A couple of other things floated through my mind and finally the thought of "doing it all again." Not just this move, but my life.
I've said a couple times before I would love the opportunity to go back in time, knowing the things I know now, but damn.... if given the power to change things.... how would you decide what you should or shouldnt do differently?
Some things are easy - like avoiding meaningless heartache, fake friends, and obvious mistakes - but other things are hard...... like children and the person you chose to have them with.... like college and some of the choices you made while you were there.... like choosing love over opportunity..... like staying too long..... or walking away too soon.... like that time in the kitchen.... those 20 years..... or ill-fated good intentions.
Did things work out for the best, or might my life be better had I done these things differently? I'll never know. But my creative mind delights in the possibilities of all the things I might have done..... been. Its much easier than wallowing in the regret of all the things I didnt do..... become. I learned that little lesson on perspectives at a time when life had me on my knees. Might not wanna change that one either.
Mm. Well. Off to the store.
Friday, May 18, 2012
75 cents!
Yo.... half.com is the truth, yall.
I went on there earlier this week and ordered like 6 CD's. Why I only paid like $8 for em all together????? I got a couple of them for like 75 cents. 75 CENTS! Seriously???? Im bout to re-up on ALL my old school music I miss. Clearly, newer CD's are gonna be closer to retail prices - like $8 or $9 - but if you need to recop that Black Sheep or Tevin Campbell somebody got you for back in 95, they got you for the low-low LOL.
AND you know how textbooks are mad expensive? For yall that are in school right now, you can RENT your book for like a third the price. You keep it for however long your class is and then send it back. WTF, you know you aint never gonna read em again anyway LOL. My $145 book cost me like $38 to rent. The business, Im tryna tell you!
Dont say I never did nothing for you LOL.
I went on there earlier this week and ordered like 6 CD's. Why I only paid like $8 for em all together????? I got a couple of them for like 75 cents. 75 CENTS! Seriously???? Im bout to re-up on ALL my old school music I miss. Clearly, newer CD's are gonna be closer to retail prices - like $8 or $9 - but if you need to recop that Black Sheep or Tevin Campbell somebody got you for back in 95, they got you for the low-low LOL.
AND you know how textbooks are mad expensive? For yall that are in school right now, you can RENT your book for like a third the price. You keep it for however long your class is and then send it back. WTF, you know you aint never gonna read em again anyway LOL. My $145 book cost me like $38 to rent. The business, Im tryna tell you!
Dont say I never did nothing for you LOL.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Ambivalence
I love my man.
I believe my man loves me.
I love my man, and I believe my man loves me.
I love my man, and I believe my man loves me, but I don’t know if my man and me are meant to be.
He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work – he makes me feel loved beyond measure, he’s emotionally supportive, he’s ferociously protective of me, he cares about my kids, and he’s always willing to talk through our difficulties.
He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work…. but he hasn’t exemplified those things in quite some time. The hard part is that I know a good majority of the void is caused by things outside his control, but there are things within his control that he…. doesn’t. So when do those outside forces go from uncontrollable circumstances to excuses to not do what you know you should? I don’t know. I don’t want life to pass me by while I’m waiting for a pipe dream, but I also don’t want to lose out on the greatest love of my life because I was looking for a level of congruence that it’s quite possible NO man can ever give me.
I asked God to bring me a man of a certain cloth and I believed that God sent me him. But now I am starting to wonder – did He? I mean is this the man God sent to me, or is he just ….. a man?
I guess I ought to be asking Him that.
And him too.
I believe my man loves me.
I love my man, and I believe my man loves me.
I love my man, and I believe my man loves me, but I don’t know if my man and me are meant to be.
He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work – he makes me feel loved beyond measure, he’s emotionally supportive, he’s ferociously protective of me, he cares about my kids, and he’s always willing to talk through our difficulties.
He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work…. but he hasn’t exemplified those things in quite some time. The hard part is that I know a good majority of the void is caused by things outside his control, but there are things within his control that he…. doesn’t. So when do those outside forces go from uncontrollable circumstances to excuses to not do what you know you should? I don’t know. I don’t want life to pass me by while I’m waiting for a pipe dream, but I also don’t want to lose out on the greatest love of my life because I was looking for a level of congruence that it’s quite possible NO man can ever give me.
I asked God to bring me a man of a certain cloth and I believed that God sent me him. But now I am starting to wonder – did He? I mean is this the man God sent to me, or is he just ….. a man?
I guess I ought to be asking Him that.
And him too.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
4 To Go
I nearly had a nervous breakdown at work this morning. Nothing in particular happened that set me off – I deal with rude, unprofessional people every day – but I hung up the phone after one of those calls, stared into my laptop screen and realized I really do hate my job. I didn’t do anything for a couple of minutes. I just sat there, staring at my Outlook inbox. The more I sat and stared, the more all I wanted to do was get up and leave…. Leave the laptop….. the blackberry….. the key card….. the AMEX….all of it. Right on the desk. More than wanting to, I felt almost COMPELLED to do it.
Then I got an email from a friend of mine, telling me he thinks he’ll be starting his new job soon. He had been out of work and looking since like December. I told him I was happy he finally found something and reminded myself that its hard out here. I reminded myself how stressful it was to be out of work all last summer and that jobs are easier to find when you’re already working.
So instead, I closed my eyes and sat very still for about 30 seconds. I opened my eyes, typed up a very short email asking my prayer warriors to pray me through this day, then I went into the ladies room to pray myself. I didn’t feel better immediately. I really don’t feel better now.
But the day is half gone, and I am still sitting here in this office. *shrugs*
I guess tonight I need to spend some time on of the more obscure job boards. Employers that troll Monster and CareerBuilder aint shit LOL. They don’t even remember that they already reached out to you and you already told them you weren’t interested. Write something down, damn.
But something’s definitely gotta give.
And lucky me, I have a one-on-one with my boss in about an hour. Guess I better pray through that shit too.
4 down.
4 to go.
*sigh*
Then I got an email from a friend of mine, telling me he thinks he’ll be starting his new job soon. He had been out of work and looking since like December. I told him I was happy he finally found something and reminded myself that its hard out here. I reminded myself how stressful it was to be out of work all last summer and that jobs are easier to find when you’re already working.
So instead, I closed my eyes and sat very still for about 30 seconds. I opened my eyes, typed up a very short email asking my prayer warriors to pray me through this day, then I went into the ladies room to pray myself. I didn’t feel better immediately. I really don’t feel better now.
But the day is half gone, and I am still sitting here in this office. *shrugs*
I guess tonight I need to spend some time on of the more obscure job boards. Employers that troll Monster and CareerBuilder aint shit LOL. They don’t even remember that they already reached out to you and you already told them you weren’t interested. Write something down, damn.
But something’s definitely gotta give.
And lucky me, I have a one-on-one with my boss in about an hour. Guess I better pray through that shit too.
4 down.
4 to go.
*sigh*
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