Never A-damn-gain!

So I got my eyebrows waxed today for the first time. I still cant quite see straight LOL.

Seriously - women actually do this, like..... of their own free will? LOL And then go back again? What the fk for??? LOL I mean, I have been told it lasts longer and its supposed to look "cleaner" but to be perfectly honest, I dont think mine look much different from my normal razoring. Matter of fact, Im lyin - I actually think my razoring looks better. It may not last 3 weeks like this wax supposedly does, but they be sharp, and its PAINLESS!

I went into the place today that my girlfriend recommended, and first of all, I swear the guy that works there was laughing at me. He asked' "First time?" and I said yes. His whole face lit up like his day was just about to turn around. He got energized - MF started sweepin and shit, changing light bulbs LOL. The girl who was gonna do my brows was finishing someone's nails, so I was sitting there waiting, and the dude just kept looking at me from across the room, smiling. WTF you smiling at? He obviously knew something I didnt LOL

When its my turn, I knew something was wrong, cause the lady who got her nails done coulda up and left, but she sat her ass right there, like she had front row seats for a main event. Everybody wants to stick around and see me be the butt of the joke. So the eyebrow lady comes behind me and tells me its gonna be fine. Its gonna be fine? WTF does that mean? LOL Is that like "it really doesnt hurt as much as you think it will" it's gonna be fine, or "yes, it hurts, but you wont like... die" it's gonna be fine? LOL Cause, you know, there is a difference LOL. She aint say shyt else. She just took the lid off of this thing that looked like a stainless steel fondue pot, and dipped a stick in it.

Hoooooo-ho-ho-hold up! Is that rubber cement? Are you bout to put some hot ass rubber cement on my face? LOL Oh, bitch, no you not! LMAOOO!

*cue spectator ass lady*

"Aw, baby, dont you worry, now, it's not that bad. It will stun you more than it will hurt. It's real quick."

Ok now, see, SHE need to be on staff here, cause yall asses just leading the lambs to the slaughter, walking em into the light and shyt, dont know what the hell bout to happen, if they gon ever see they kids again, if they remembered to sign that last revision to their insurance paperwork or nothing! LOL

So I calm down, the midgets in the corner laughing at me with the crazy broom man and I'm about ready to book, but I woman up and say fk it, ok, let's go.

Here we go with the hot ass pancake syrup on my face. Ok. We alright. So far, so good. Paper strip being applied and evened out. Ok. We still good. SCHWOOMP!!!

AHHHHHHH!!!!

I thought I screamed, but apparently I only screamed in my head. However, my face had frozen in a not-so-happy expression and my jaw was stuck in open-mouth, i-should-whoop-your-ass position. I would have cursed three future generations of her family, but I was paralyzed and couldnt speak LOL. All my energy was thrown into trying to refocus my eyes and sharpen the blurry images of everything in my line of vision. My eyes were watering something terrible, and all I could do was blink LOL.

Before I could regain my faculties, she was on to the next one - hot shalaque all on my left side, and the paper strip was already applied before I started breathing again. "No! No, no, no, wait!" But again, I apparently said this only in my head, because next thing I know, SCHWOOMP!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I felt my spirit leave my body LOL. Now Im feeling lightheaded. I could kill her - her and every single last one of my girlfriends who pumped me up to go do this shyt - but alas, I gotta be done now, right?

*staring into the camera*

YANK!

WTF was that???? LOL Oh bitch, we tweezing now??? What part of the game is that??? First you want me to sit here while you lather my head with some molten fkn lava, now we tweezing??? Aint nobody said nothing 'bout no tweezing!!! Damn, how many stray hairs do I have up there??? Ok now you just playin with me, you just pulling hairs out for the fk of it, just to torture me more. This is hazing! I wanna see a supervisor! What? "Oh..... ok, thank you."

Seven dollars and 60 seconds later, my forehead felt naked against the cold ass air outside, and I was cussing up toe jam roots on everybody who recommended that mess to me, LOL. I couldnt even tell if they came out good, cause the tears still hadnt cleared from my eyeballs LOL. I saw a white dot in everything I looked at for the next 30 minutes, and I had wax residue on the sides of my face that itched like hell. I had half a mind to ride down to my regular eyebrow lady and give her $5 just to pre-pay my next appointment. I will be a monkey's uncle if I ever put myself back through that bullshit again. There was a hit that took out every razor artist in the tri-state area if you find me in a waxing chair again, you better believe that shit.

I cant believe women put themselves through such torture on purpose. WTF is wrong wit us??? We need to start lovin ourselves LOL.

Forehead all numb, got me walking around, face feeling like I done got some gotdamn botox. Where's my drink....