I'm Not Ready

Its official - I have quit smoking.

Now, its only been a week, and most smokers or ex-smokers would probably say it's too soon for me to really proclaim that I'm done, but I promise you: I. AM. DONE.

The last time I made a serious attempt to quit was a year ago. My first smoke-free day was on October 4, 2008 and a month later, November 4, 2008, I fell off the wagon..... *pause* .....nah, that's not true. I JUMPED off the wagon, LOL. Hey, a black president will do that to you.

Anyway, I havent done much more than intend to quit ever since. I would wake up and tell myself, "I got one cigar left and it's gonna be my last one." A few hours later, I'd be on my couch, opening a brand new pack, telling myself I just wasnt ready yet.

I even tried playing mind games with myself. I'd finish a pack and then vow to not buy another, only to find loopholes in the oath I had taken. The worst of it was the time I tried to use MJ's death as inspiration. It's Michael fkn Jackson! My BAY-bay LOL. How can I not hold up to it this time? I would never disrespect Michael's memory.

*staring into the camera*

Loopholes.

"I didnt say I wouldn't buy loosies..." "It doesn't count if someone else buys it..." I came up with just about every way around it until I finally got tired of weaving through cones and just said, "Fk it. Mike understands. I'm just not ready." I kicked myself all that night about it, but in reality, if my kids hadn't been motivation enough, how would MJ ever be?

But I kept telling myself I wasnt ready. "What you gonna do, Dig? If you're not ready, you're just not ready." It always came back to that, but you know what? I was ready. I was sooooo ready. I was tired of having no wind, barely breathing after just a couple flights of stairs. I was tired of having to budget cigars into my expenses, when there were other things I really could have been using that $35 a week for. I was tired of looking in the mirror and hating how dingy my smile had gotten. Bad enough I drink too much coffee, but one issue at a time LOL. Bottom line, I was tired, in general, of smoking, but I just couldn't get a firm enough hold of any kind of rope to pull me out of it. So I did what any good Christian-on-probation would do - I started praying.

Now, I didnt really know what else to pray for, initially, except to be ready. I mean, after all, that was my problem right? But when I did start seeing things, they were just more of the same things I had already noticed, just a little more impacting: suddenly I was able to smell smoke on my clothes and in my car, and it just turned my stomach. I'm a professional. How am I gonna show up for a meeting, at a customer's place of business, smelling like a chimney? How am I looking so sharp on my way to interviews, in my steam-pressed business suit and wool trench, reeking of eau de ashtray? It just defeats the purpose. And it got worse.

My cardiologist was getting tired of cursing me out and finally started threatening to drop me as a patient if I didnt start taking quitting more seriously. She told me that the coronary repair I underwent as a child was still fine, in general, but she is starting to see a slight thickening of the lining, which was due to my blood pressure being high (and me not taking the beta blockers she prescribed me didnt help). In all the years since I had my surgery, I had never had any "thickenings" to speak of, no restrictions, no anything of the sort. "Stop smoking" seemed to be more of a suggestion than a mandate, but all of a sudden, I was a little nervous. I'd be lying in bed, and I'd get these palpitations, or a pain in my chest and swear up and down I was about to have a heart attack. I would have a pain shoot up my arm while watching TV, or my legs would tingle and I would swear I had a blood clot somewhere. I had even seen a very tiny [what I would call] disfigurement on one of my eyes and convinced myself that I had had a ministroke somewhere along the line and the next one would kill me LOL. STRAIGHT. PARANOID.

Then I was driving to work one morning and I noticed something else: I wouldn't take a pull off my cigar if another car was alongside me - unless that person was smoking..... or old LOL. Suddenly I was ashamed and avoiding judgment. ME - DIG - was ashamed and avoiding judgment. That is UNHEARD of! Someone told me a long time ago that that's when you know when you're really ready to quit. God called bullshit LOL.

On the radio comes a song that, for some reason, used to haunt me as a kid. I think I was really young the first time I had ever heard it, and I have only ever heard it a handful of times in my entire life, but it always kinda creeped me out and here it was on the radio. I THINK the song is called "Are You Ready?" or "I'm Not Ready" but I can't remember who sings it. It's some old group like The Mighty Clouds of Joy or something, but that's neither here nor there LOL.

In the song, death comes for this young woman who isn't ready to go. She is so pretty and young and has so much potential, she keeps pleading with death, "Why you hatin'? Just let me be great" (LOL) until he finally makes a deal with her. He basically tells her, "Ok, shawty, you ain't ready yet, so Ima let you rock, for now. But Ima be back. I'll call you to let you know when I'm on my way, be outside." (LMAO!) So Boom..... *fist to palm* ..... the years go by, and one day death returns. He's like, "Aight, shawty, let's roll. I got somewhere to be." The woman is like, "Roll? Dag, why you rushing me? I'm still not ready. Plus, you said you was gonna call when you was on your way, how you just gon show up at a sista's crib all unannounced and attitudical?" (LOL) So death is like, "I did call, I left you mad messages, son. Do you remember when you found those first little wrinkles around that pretty little smile of yours? Remember how every so often there would be another one, and another one? Remember when your eyesight started going on you and had to go get them glasses? Yeah.... yeah...... and how your hair turned gray? Yeah.... and how your body stopped cooperating quite like it use to? Remember burying so many friends over the years? See, baby, that was all me. That was me calling you to tell you I was on my way. It's not my fault you wasn't checking your messages, and I done told you for the last time THIS IS IT. I dont care nothin bout you cryin', get on up in this here truck and let's be out!" (LMAO!)

Ok, so I had a little fun with the lyrics, but you get the point. She kept saying she wasn't ready to go and instead of spending her second chance trying to get ready, she was ignoring all the signs that her day would eventually come back around again, and in the end, she was forced to go whether she was ready or not.

THAT's when I knew I was ready. I don't wanna be that lady. What good are the warnings if you dont take heed? So I prayed again, this time asking that I just no longer have the desire to smoke at all. I said, "Lord, I want to be absolutely REPULSED by the idea."

It didn't seem to be working at first. I felt like a crackhead the first day LOL.

The second day was a lot better.

The third day, I wanted to knock over a gas station LOL.

The fourth day, again, was better. However (and this is the one thing you have to look out for when you decide to quit) I got a call from one of my girls who I hadn't seen in a while and I knew we'd have a drink or two if she came by, so I folded and picked up a couple loose cigars. She (and another one of my girls) came over and I smoked those cigars, but when I tell you I felt like death the next morning, I mean I FELT. LIKE. DEATH. I dont ever wanna see, smell, taste - NOTHING having to do with a damn apple Black & Mild. Haven't had a yen for it since.

So yes, people, it's only been a week, but I've claimed deliverance. A week - hell, 3 days - not smoking, doesn't happen in my world. It just doesn't. It took about 12 attempts just to get 24 hrs under my belt. I think I know when I'm on the boat.... and I'm on the boat. Quite frankly, there's enough things in life that I have no control over. I have to start controlling the things I can. Come January 1st, I want to already be IN the process of becoming the best me possible, not just beginning it. 2010 owes me big. I'm coming for it, and that bytch betta have my money!