Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday, people. What's going on in my universe today?

Well, I'm 5 days into my meat fast for Lent. You'd think that wasn't saying much since I only eat poultry anyway, but it's been a lot tougher than I expected. I never feel like I really eat a lot of meat but over the last couple of days, I've come to realize that I kinda sneak my meat in. I have it in the form of spicy chicken sausages, turkey bacon-wrapped dates and other subtle shit like that that I really don't think about when I think "meat". I also take for granted since most places tend to have fish at the time that I order it that they ALWAYS have it. At lunch with my coworkers on Friday I almost had to make do with beer nuts LOL. Of all the days to not be having fish, a Friday? SMH. Luckily I stumbled across a veggie burger on the menu, which actually happened to be quite amazing, and all was well. Not gonna lie though - I almost bailed on this endeavor that day, and don't judge me if I eventually do LOL, but I think I really need this test of will right now. CAN I do it? Sure. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything (4 months smoke-free, btw). The real challenge is following through simply because I said I would. If I tell you, her, him, them or anybody else that I'm going to do something, you can bet your rent money its gonna be done. Unfortunately, I don't tend to show the same level of commitment to ME. I break promises to myself all the time and its a habit I really need to break. It creates a subconscious avenue of justification for putting myself second to other people which only tills the soil for insecurity to seed and grow. I'm a few dating updates short of y'all being all caught up, but until I get around to it, suffice it to say that aint nobody got time for that.

I'm also creating the vision board I've been wanting to do since forever and just never prioritized. I didn't think to do this until just now but I may parlay that into a writing project as well. The objective is to add something to the board every day through Easter, so maybe I will post about every item I add. Not sure if or how that will work out but I'll put a strong effort behind it. Let's see how it goes. I mean I do have a little more time on my hands now that I'm not in school. My initial leave of absence ended February 4th and I reported for class for about two weeks before I realized I just had no desire to be there. I mean ZERO interest. Part of it is I didn't love the curriculum. I was taking the Masters in Organizational Development to stack with my Masters in Psychology, thinking jointly they would be the perfect setup for me to go into occupational therapy but those first two classes were an absolute SNOOZEFEST. If they were any indication of what was to come, there was no way I was gonna get through it. So I withdrew from the class and initiated another six-week leave of absence in which to either find a program I am more connected to or come to the decision that one Masters is enough. I'm leaning toward the latter because further introspection leads me to believe that school either has been or was becoming a means of hiding from life and I don't wanna do that anymore either.

Clearly we've got some catching up to do but bear with me; some of the words are still forming. You know how that goes, but the weather is breaking. You know how that goes too. There shall be fuckery afoot LOL. But its okay. I'll embrace it LOL.

Y'all be easy.

*sniffle*

If I ever win powerball bread, I swear on everything I will spend the rest of my life traveling across country doing this.

Penance

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not like him.

I will not.........

They should never let me out.

Its not a good night until somebody pees LOL.

A friend of mine had a day party at this club in the city for her birthday and I told her I would come. It started at 3 so I went around 5 or so, thinking I would just stay a couple of hours and go back home. By 7, that ship had long since sailed LOL.

I had a chardonnay and then half a jack and cranberry - somebody spilled it and replaced it with my 2nd glass of chardonnay. At the bottom sips of that 2nd glass of chardonnay, one of the girls in our party, who was already so drunk she just wanted everybody to be drunk, started pouring whatever it was she was drinking into my glass.... on TOP of what was left of my chardonnay. Part of me wanted to fuck her up. Another part of me said, "free drink!" LOL Accentuating the positive, I went with the latter. A little later, I joined our hostess at the end of the bar. An okay-looking guy started chatting me up but him really not SAYING anything made me realize just how slow the bar service was. I pulled our hostess down to the middle of the bar where I had gained a little rapport with one of the other bartenders. He took care of us right away. This would be the point in the evening where I had my 3rd glass of chardonnay AND the free shot of patron the bartender wanted me to do with him. If you know me, you know I only do shots at the BEGINNING of the night, if at all. Whenever I do one after I have already been drinking a bit, it doesn't work out LOL. But its free and its the bartender. You don't tell the bartender no. Of course you can and probably should at the end of the night as it was, but... drunk logic aint thinking LOL. So I did the shot and yeah, half of it ran down my neck but I anticipated it and wiped it immediately with a napkin, like the classy lady that I am LOL. Twice more before it was all over, I'd simply walk BY the bar and he'd wave me over, kiss me on the cheek and pour me a shot. So if you're counting that's 3 glasses of chardonnay, half a jack and cranberry, 3 shots of patron and about half a drink worth of whatever the fuck Janice or Janine or whatever her name was poured in my glass. I. WAS. DONE. I just didn't know it yet.

I gave my card out twice - once to a guy who somehow ended up on my lap LOL. I don't even remember how I started talking to the guy but I do remember he was funny as shit and we were having way too much fun for that little 5 minutes we were engaged. When you wake up to a text message that says "Hey, this is Ed, the guy who gave you the best lap dance of your life" its a win LOL

Here's where things get fuzzy. The club was 1 block over and 3 blocks up from the Port Authority. I have absolutely NO memory of that walk LOL. The next frame I see is me walking down the stairs to the bus, getting on and sitting in the first seats. That is also the LAST thing I remember before waking up at Journal Square LOL. Let me explain: Port Authority is the first stop on the route. Journal Square is the last. I fell asleep and rode the whole route LOL I had to get off the bus and get right back on another one going back the other way (which meant paying again) and didn't I fall asleep AGAIN and miss my stop AGAIN? LOL This time I woke up about 8 blocks past home and since there wasn't another bus in sight, I had to walk it. Not horrible except its like 11pm, I'm in heels, the ground is snowy/slushy and its brick outside. Yes, it was fucken horrible LOL. And to make it all worse, about halfway home, now I have to pee and thanks to the life-changing procedure I recently underwent, my "stop my pee" muscles have been compromised. So now I cant hold it, pee is running down my legs and instantly fucken freezing in my jeans LOL.

I have never been so glad to finally get home....... but that aint mean I wanted to talk. My son was sitting on the couch like "Hey Ma, how was the party?" I think I just mumbled something incoherently and walked straight back to my room and closed my door LOL. I came out of my clothes (incidently still in the same heap on the floor I left em in - don't judge me) got in the shower and got in the damn bed. Or at least this is what I think happened - I don't fucken remember anything after my bedroom door closed. I did, however, wake up feeling like somebody had thrown me out of a plane with no chute...... and I landed on a rock LOL. My entire body hurt like hell. It took me about an hour to motivate but I got up, took a hot shower and a vicadin and I haven't left this bed again all day, except to pee - how ironic. Did I mention Im going back to work tomorrow?

Sigh.

And you wonder why I say I should have a camera crew with me at all times. Is this your reality? LOL

SMH.

21 Years a Slave

And no, that's not a typo.

Might not mean anything to you but I have been wearing this thing for 21 years. Let me be clear; I have worn this thing EVERY DAY for the last 21 years..... sleeping, showering, fighting, swimming, childbirth..... I don't care what it was I was doing, I was doing it in this. Wait..... I did have to take it off when I played ball in school - they made me - but it went right back on after every game and other than then, it literally never left my neck. This morning I decided it was time to let it go. I slid the plate off the chain, replaced it with my daughter's Tasmanian devil pendant and gave it to her for her 12th birthday.

I didn't plan to retire it although the thought had crossed my mind a while ago. As I matured, I found myself wanting to experiment with different neck pieces I'd see, so I'd buy them just to have them sitting in a box or on a hook somewhere, collecting dust. My name plate comes with so many memories - it appears in every post-high school picture I have ever taken before December 20th, 2013 - and I wasn't even consciously thinking about all that. I just could never bring myself to take it off; like psychologically, the thought of taking it off made me uncomfortable. Then I had surgery.

I was instructed to remove ALL my jewelry which included other articles I never take off - a second chain, a 3rd hole stud, an ankle bracelet and a navel ring - all of which I've been rocking for at least 15 years each. Is that crazy? I never thought so. It was always just... part of me. But for some reason, this morning I felt like I felt the day I bought that e-cig out the blue and quit smoking; it's now or never. If I put this thing back on, it will be another 21 years before I take it off again. My baby walked in the room and I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I'm not even gonna lie, it was kind of an emotional moment. But I do think I saw it coming. Yesterday I made an attempt to put my navel ring back in and it fought me to no end. No matter how much progress I felt I was making on the front end, it would not push through to the other side. I eventually gave up and said I would try again another day, but part of me felt that tug of symbolism then. You've been FREED from these things, why would you wanna put them back on? The events of the last few days caused me to get a lot more out of it than just that too. You've been freed from these PEOPLE, why would you wanna put THEM back on? Hmmph. Yall don't hear me. But as I bid farewell to the 2 new pieces now resigned to my jewelry box, farewell also to the first 2 casualties of 2014 whose walking papers have been signed, sealed, delivered - and in that very order.

#POW #ItsBeenReal #Toodles

Leave it to me to overthink some real simple shit into a life lesson but you'll have to forgive me. Lately everything happening around me feels like one. I'll say it again - none of this might mean anything to you, but for me..... its kind of a big deal. Especially the correlation. The sentimental person I am likes to hold on to things, but even more so, people. That has been HUGELY to my detriment over the years - if you follow this blog, you know LOL. The lesson for me to have learned here is that just because a person doesn't mean you harm doesn't mean they mean you any good. Dead weight just keeps you from moving ahead at the pace you could be. Oddly enough, even the recent terminations my company did are relevant (oh yeah, they let go like 20 people, including my boss AND her boss). If a company is in danger, it lets people go. Who? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.

Ima say that again. Who now? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.

Yall still dont hear me, Ima get on down off this pulpit LOL...........

But you know.... its a name plate. I got it in the 90s and although [grown] people are still rocking them today, maybe grown women in name plates is kinda like grown ass men in cornrows. If that's the case, I just did myself a HUGE solid LOL.

Seriously?

I have been at home recovering from surgery for 4 weeks. It has been restful as hell and over the last couple of days I've made note of feeling rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to go on with my life.

So how come I signed into my work portal for 10 minutes.............. 10 MINUTES!!!............... just long enough to address 1 issue................. 1 ISSUE!!!.................... and now my blood pressure is notably elevated, my head is hurting and I have the heartburn of a woman 6 months pregnant with a baby with a head fulla hair. If this isn't the most telling defining moment......... dude, I need a new job like ......yesterday.

Freedom and Fibroids

I have been tucked away in this house for more than 2 weeks. I could not WAIT to get outta here this morning. I was only going to the doctor for my follow up visit, but I wouldn't have cared where I was going, as long as it got me outta here. It was cold too, yall, sooooo cold..... my face was pretty numb by the time I got on the bus, but I listened to my Pandora and glared out the window like I was seeing everything we passed for the first time ever and I all but forgot I was freezing. At some point "Ready for Love" came on and I gave into the impulse to close my eyes and immerse myself in it - not even the lyrics, which I love, or the message, which I'd swear was written expressly for me, but just the sheer beauty in India Arie's voice.... the fluidity in the delivery.... that uncanny ability music has to take you into a completely different part of yourself than you are actively operating in at that moment....




I felt like I was in that part of a movie where the character is transforming - you might see her on a train or bus, head leaned up against the window, eyes trained on something of wonder.... or nothing at all. Not on my way to work. Not on any real clock. No laptop (or midgets) in tow. It was just..... a freedom. Its a rare kind of feeling that I think I've only experienced on the even rarer occasion that I might have gone into the city looking for something - anything - to do and I thought to myself, "I should do that more often."

I got the gold seal of approval from my doctor - everything looks great - but he still wants me out of work for another 2 weeks. No argument here. I was surprised to find out, however, that the grapefruit-sized fibroid attached to my uterus was not a fibroid at all - nor was it attached to my uterus. There were still the smaller fibroids inside of it, but the huge one of the most concern was actually a "mass" or growth which was actually coming off of my ovary - hence the removal of said ovary. A biopsy of the mass had been sent to the lab in the middle of my surgery for testing and while I was relieved to find out that it was not cancerous, it felt strange to just be hearing about it for the first time, nearly 3 weeks after the surgery. It's like a cancer scare..... without the scare LOL. I don't feel gypped or anything (trust me, this whole ordeal was scare enough), I feel more like...... somebody mixed the peas with the corn instead of the carrots LOL. I mean... I don't like cooked carrots.... but clearly people mix peas with them. That probably makes absolutely no sense to you LOL............... it just felt like somebody made a mistake.... like a slide from somebody else's life presentation somehow got mixed up in mine, confusing the hell outta everybody for a split second then simply tossed over a shoulder, into a trash can, to be of no further concern. Was that any better? No? Well maybe its something I'll never be able to explain, but suffice it to say I feel blessed. And awesome. I mean my body was on fire an hour after I got home from all that "freedom" and shit but while I was out there, I was brand new LOL. I totally get why I cant go back to work yet though. You feel like you're all better until you take your ass through somebody's subway system, up and down a few stairs and across a couple platforms, all at a NYC pace. Oh you are doing the absolute most while you out there but you gon learn when you get home LOL. Yeah. I totally get it.

Tonight's sleep will be brought to you be Vicadin - the nighttime aching, throbbing, cause you wasn't really built like that medicine.....