A Long Time Coming

I finally had the conversation with my mother that should have taken place at least 15 years ago. I'm not even sure how it started since the initial conversation was about a toothbrush holder LOL, but somewhere along the line.... OH! I remember now....

She recently came down to visit a terminally ill friend of hers and she was telling me about a phone conversation she had with him a couple of days ago, which led her into talking about the relationship the small handful of them always had. That led into her talking about how she use to think having children so young was a bad thing, but she now realizes it very likely saved her life. Raising her kids kept her from getting swallowed up into the life a lot of her cohorts got lost in.

She had told me once that she was pregnant with twins before me and oddly enough, I recalled that a few days ago. I was doing some reflection and noting how I sometimes felt like I was two different people.... not just in different moods like most folks, but two completely different people.... so I brought it up. I had always assumed she miscarried them, but she told me today that she terminated the pregnancy. Not only was she nearly 5 months along at the time and therefore had to fully birth them, but she made a decision to do so without any anesthesia or anything as punishment for the situation she had gotten herself into (which she also explained). One boy, one girl. She saw them. She named them. It was tough to hear, but it opened the door to the next three hours of conversation where she revealed other things she had gone through that I didnt know about.

It should be understood that I dont speak about this to be airing dirty laundry, but to express the magnitude of the types of things we discussed and to illustrate how much a lot of us dont know about our parents. Trust me when I tell you that as shocking as this sounds, it was not the most shocking thing she told me today, if you can imagine that.

We talked about her childhood. We talked about my childhood.

We talked about her formative years. We talked about my formative years.

We talked about her transition into adulthood, my transition, and all the things she went through along the way, and suddenly I knew exactly who I was and why. I had always had some idea. The trouble was, she didnt. So at that point, I felt a responsibility to reveal myself to her as well, at least in terms of my perception of times in our lives.

I told her that I saw everything that ever happened, even though I never spoke on it, but as a child, teenager, or young adult with a parent who didnt communicate, I formed my own conclusions as to what was going on. Those conclusions were not always accurate, but with nothing else to counter them, I reacted accordingly. She thought it best not to burden me with information at the time, but her attempt to not rob me of my childhood effectually did exactly that. I have felt like a motherless child since I was 15 years old and I told her exactly why. Thankfully she didnt cry like she did the last time I was honest with her about my feelings, but she understood completely because my actions and state of mind represented the strongest parts of her.

Part of the problem was that we saw the same things differently. We agree that she looks at me and sees herself, only where she says she feels pride in the reflection, it always seemed to me that she felt resentment. She told my sister that she thought I hated her, but I felt like it was the other way around. Where she went wrong was allowing me to believe something 20 years ago that she knew I believed, because the truth, in her eyes, was so much worse. After hearing it today, it wasnt even close. My belief was worse than anything else she could have told me and I really wished she had told me the truth. It might have spared us 20 years of dysfunction and drama. I didnt even realize until it came up in conversation today that that situation was when everything changed, but it was, and what really jarred me was the fact that she knew it. She always knew it. She told my sister that one day she would tell me, and I still cant understand why she waited so long, but I am glad she finally did. I also now understand the bond she has with my sister, and the proof of it is in the fact that SHE didnt tell me either.

I dont know that this conversation we had today will make everything okay, but I cant imagine how it wont help. She [hopefully] now understands that all I know is what she left me to figure out on my own. The success in the story is that the positive attributes I took from her made it possible for me to do so, and I turned out okay. I may be overly independent and reluctant to ask for or accept help, but it spared me a lot of hurt along the way. If all you have is you, you dont have to worry about people letting you down. The downside is that people cant love you when you hold them all at an arm's length, and when someone does get close enough to, you panic - subconsciously - and either try like hell to restore that distance or hold on too tight, unable to figure out how to simply coexist with it. I dont feel like I have that problem anymore but I spent a lot of fruitless years just treading water.

I'm still reeling from everything I learned today but I feel so much lighter having gotten so much off my own chest. I have always known and respected my mother's strength, but having her fill in so many details puts a face to it. To know somebody's gone through a lot is one thing. To know exactly what, is another. My closet remains under lock and key because I am still learning from the things I've been thru, but one day when all the lessons have been learned, maybe I will free myself the way my mother did today.

I know my kids heard a good majority of our conversation - at least my end of it. I made no effort to hide it. I wanted them to hear the efforts being made to right the wrongs.... the apologies... the pain.... the truths. And when I got off the phone with my mother, I sat down with my kids. I laid the disclaimer that I was not perfect and that I didnt have all the answers but I vowed to keep them informed, as much as reasonable, about what was going on around them. After all, as a family, if Im going through it, they are going through it, and leaving them to wonder or draw their own conclusions could cost us 20 years of our lives that I am just not willing to sacrifice. They said they understood, and I hope they do.

It's been a long time coming but maybe now a change can finally come.