I'm Learning

You ever wanna do something so bad that you try to line up hoops to jump through just so you can do it? You never even open up your bills when they come but you pull them bad boys out to see which ones you can move around to free up the money you need LOL.

I have been struggling with impulsiveness for as long as I can remember - mostly impromptu travel.

I cant tell you how many trips I have taken over the last ten years that threw my finances into a tailspin for like two months after, just cause I wanted to go so bad. Maybe there was somebody I wanted to see, maybe there was some event I wanted to attend, but most of the time, I just needed to get away. I would say about 80% of those trips proved highly worth it, so when I look at it that way, a little shuffling on the bills for a month or two afterward doesnt seem like a huge price to pay. However, I can recall at least two trips that really hurt my bottom line. One even caused me to get my car reposessed... on Thanksgiving... *smh*

So needless to say, I eventually recognized that I had to stop [some of] the madness. In recent years - although I have admittedly made plenty of other impulsive decisions - I have made only the trips that I had time to plan and stash for, that is, except for last year, when I made a good amount of impromptu trips, but I was also in a position to do so with little impact to anything else.

Today I found myself moving things around and calculating bills down to the penny, trying to free up the dough for the trip I planned to make upstate next weekend. Like I told my girlfriend, I have been feeling like I've been on an island all by myself and I really need to immerse myself in something familiar. I did everything I could to try to make it happen. In the end, I could rationalize the trip, but I couldnt really justify it, if you understand the difference. I was able to "see" the money, but it would have cost me every free cent I had and left me robbing Peter to pay Paul for at least the next two weeks, which on unemployment, is like the equivalent of a month. It just wasnt worth it. Plus I could (literally) almost feel God standing behind me, giving me a side eye, with a backhand slap ready for the back of my head the second I went online and booked a rental LOL. Im serious! I really felt it!

I honestly did wanna go but when the fallback plan was just to go a couple weeks later, its not worth fuckin up the church's money. Yes, I will miss the dedication event at my old high school and probably a shitload of people I havent seen in years, but you know what? I know I made the right decision and that puts me at peace.

There is something to be said for maturity, and at some point, we should all realize that its got nothing to do with growing up. I've been grown for a long time, but to a lot of people - myself included, for a while - that just means the ability to do whatever the hell you want just because you want to and can find a way to do it. Maturity tells a person that if you have to "find a way" to do it and it doesnt involve basic survival, such as food or shelter, it probably isnt worth the trouble.