21 Years a Slave

And no, that's not a typo.

Might not mean anything to you but I have been wearing this thing for 21 years. Let me be clear; I have worn this thing EVERY DAY for the last 21 years..... sleeping, showering, fighting, swimming, childbirth..... I don't care what it was I was doing, I was doing it in this. Wait..... I did have to take it off when I played ball in school - they made me - but it went right back on after every game and other than then, it literally never left my neck. This morning I decided it was time to let it go. I slid the plate off the chain, replaced it with my daughter's Tasmanian devil pendant and gave it to her for her 12th birthday.

I didn't plan to retire it although the thought had crossed my mind a while ago. As I matured, I found myself wanting to experiment with different neck pieces I'd see, so I'd buy them just to have them sitting in a box or on a hook somewhere, collecting dust. My name plate comes with so many memories - it appears in every post-high school picture I have ever taken before December 20th, 2013 - and I wasn't even consciously thinking about all that. I just could never bring myself to take it off; like psychologically, the thought of taking it off made me uncomfortable. Then I had surgery.

I was instructed to remove ALL my jewelry which included other articles I never take off - a second chain, a 3rd hole stud, an ankle bracelet and a navel ring - all of which I've been rocking for at least 15 years each. Is that crazy? I never thought so. It was always just... part of me. But for some reason, this morning I felt like I felt the day I bought that e-cig out the blue and quit smoking; it's now or never. If I put this thing back on, it will be another 21 years before I take it off again. My baby walked in the room and I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I'm not even gonna lie, it was kind of an emotional moment. But I do think I saw it coming. Yesterday I made an attempt to put my navel ring back in and it fought me to no end. No matter how much progress I felt I was making on the front end, it would not push through to the other side. I eventually gave up and said I would try again another day, but part of me felt that tug of symbolism then. You've been FREED from these things, why would you wanna put them back on? The events of the last few days caused me to get a lot more out of it than just that too. You've been freed from these PEOPLE, why would you wanna put THEM back on? Hmmph. Yall don't hear me. But as I bid farewell to the 2 new pieces now resigned to my jewelry box, farewell also to the first 2 casualties of 2014 whose walking papers have been signed, sealed, delivered - and in that very order.

#POW #ItsBeenReal #Toodles

Leave it to me to overthink some real simple shit into a life lesson but you'll have to forgive me. Lately everything happening around me feels like one. I'll say it again - none of this might mean anything to you, but for me..... its kind of a big deal. Especially the correlation. The sentimental person I am likes to hold on to things, but even more so, people. That has been HUGELY to my detriment over the years - if you follow this blog, you know LOL. The lesson for me to have learned here is that just because a person doesn't mean you harm doesn't mean they mean you any good. Dead weight just keeps you from moving ahead at the pace you could be. Oddly enough, even the recent terminations my company did are relevant (oh yeah, they let go like 20 people, including my boss AND her boss). If a company is in danger, it lets people go. Who? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.

Ima say that again. Who now? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.

Yall still dont hear me, Ima get on down off this pulpit LOL...........

But you know.... its a name plate. I got it in the 90s and although [grown] people are still rocking them today, maybe grown women in name plates is kinda like grown ass men in cornrows. If that's the case, I just did myself a HUGE solid LOL.

Seriously?

I have been at home recovering from surgery for 4 weeks. It has been restful as hell and over the last couple of days I've made note of feeling rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to go on with my life.

So how come I signed into my work portal for 10 minutes.............. 10 MINUTES!!!............... just long enough to address 1 issue................. 1 ISSUE!!!.................... and now my blood pressure is notably elevated, my head is hurting and I have the heartburn of a woman 6 months pregnant with a baby with a head fulla hair. If this isn't the most telling defining moment......... dude, I need a new job like ......yesterday.

Freedom and Fibroids

I have been tucked away in this house for more than 2 weeks. I could not WAIT to get outta here this morning. I was only going to the doctor for my follow up visit, but I wouldn't have cared where I was going, as long as it got me outta here. It was cold too, yall, sooooo cold..... my face was pretty numb by the time I got on the bus, but I listened to my Pandora and glared out the window like I was seeing everything we passed for the first time ever and I all but forgot I was freezing. At some point "Ready for Love" came on and I gave into the impulse to close my eyes and immerse myself in it - not even the lyrics, which I love, or the message, which I'd swear was written expressly for me, but just the sheer beauty in India Arie's voice.... the fluidity in the delivery.... that uncanny ability music has to take you into a completely different part of yourself than you are actively operating in at that moment....




I felt like I was in that part of a movie where the character is transforming - you might see her on a train or bus, head leaned up against the window, eyes trained on something of wonder.... or nothing at all. Not on my way to work. Not on any real clock. No laptop (or midgets) in tow. It was just..... a freedom. Its a rare kind of feeling that I think I've only experienced on the even rarer occasion that I might have gone into the city looking for something - anything - to do and I thought to myself, "I should do that more often."

I got the gold seal of approval from my doctor - everything looks great - but he still wants me out of work for another 2 weeks. No argument here. I was surprised to find out, however, that the grapefruit-sized fibroid attached to my uterus was not a fibroid at all - nor was it attached to my uterus. There were still the smaller fibroids inside of it, but the huge one of the most concern was actually a "mass" or growth which was actually coming off of my ovary - hence the removal of said ovary. A biopsy of the mass had been sent to the lab in the middle of my surgery for testing and while I was relieved to find out that it was not cancerous, it felt strange to just be hearing about it for the first time, nearly 3 weeks after the surgery. It's like a cancer scare..... without the scare LOL. I don't feel gypped or anything (trust me, this whole ordeal was scare enough), I feel more like...... somebody mixed the peas with the corn instead of the carrots LOL. I mean... I don't like cooked carrots.... but clearly people mix peas with them. That probably makes absolutely no sense to you LOL............... it just felt like somebody made a mistake.... like a slide from somebody else's life presentation somehow got mixed up in mine, confusing the hell outta everybody for a split second then simply tossed over a shoulder, into a trash can, to be of no further concern. Was that any better? No? Well maybe its something I'll never be able to explain, but suffice it to say I feel blessed. And awesome. I mean my body was on fire an hour after I got home from all that "freedom" and shit but while I was out there, I was brand new LOL. I totally get why I cant go back to work yet though. You feel like you're all better until you take your ass through somebody's subway system, up and down a few stairs and across a couple platforms, all at a NYC pace. Oh you are doing the absolute most while you out there but you gon learn when you get home LOL. Yeah. I totally get it.

Tonight's sleep will be brought to you be Vicadin - the nighttime aching, throbbing, cause you wasn't really built like that medicine.....

Say No More

Every year I post a NYE blog either recapping the year or talking about my hopes for the year to come and I found myself struggling this year. I didn't know what I wanted to say or quite how to say it; in fact, there are 3 different drafts saved on this thing because I couldn't find the pocket. So I decided to step away from it and circle back to it later, taking a little cruise through Facebook, and what do you know...... The Lord was waiting.

Nothing I'd have come up with would have said it any better.

Happy New Year's, y'all.

Love,
Dig

Recovery Update

Its been a week since the surgery and today.......... I got dressed!!!

......kinda LOL

#babysteps

A tea cup though?

And you hope you've seen the worst of it leaving no place to go but up.....smh

Its a little after 11 last night. Im about an hour into my meds so Im starting to fade and not sure Im actually hearing the commotion I think Im hearing in the kitchen. I mute the TV and hear my mom berating my son AGAIN so I start the slow process of getting out of my bed and gingerly making my way down the hall. He's in his room by the time I hit the kitchen and I see the look of irritation on his face as I pass. Mom's at the sink, so I lean against the refrigerator and ask her what the problem was. She begins to tell me how my son brought a couple of dishes from his room and put them in the sink.

".......................................Okay." LOL

On prompt she continues to tell me how slack and lazy it is for someone to just use a dish and put it in the sink rather than wash it. Now Im confused because we've all, during the course of the day, used a spoon or a cup or something and put it in the sink when we were done. I think the real issue was that when she said something to him about it, he responded by telling her he didnt wash it because it was my daughter's week for dishes. Although my daughter has apparently been on her nerves this week also, she is still my mother's favorite and something about my son leaving dishes for her to do struck a chord with her on a personal level, causing her to be on 10 for no damn reason. This is at least the second time today she's yelled at him about this when AGAIN his weren't the only dishes in the sink, not to mention we're talking about a coffee mug and a couple of spoons. You'd think he deep-fried a sheep and left the mess for somebody else to clean. SHEESH!

So I try to bring her down a level and before I could even complete a sentence, she's back at me, saying I am making excuses for him. Im like what is there to excuse? If we were talking about lil mama, I'd be telling you the same thing. I just think you're a little turned up for something as trivial as this and I don't understand why. She goes to ranting, slamming stuff down on the counter, storming off to the living room talking about she cant wait to get out of here on Saturday. "Really, Ma? You acting like THAT?" (she's now sitting on the couch, ignoring me) "Ma!" (still ignoring me) "You know what - that's just ridiculous." Me and my groggy self drags from counter to counter, finishing the effort she just abandoned (putting the food away) and then I ride the wall back down the hall to my room, where I all but collapse into bed.

She cant wait to get out of here Saturday. It had taken everything in me not to tell her right at that moment "Oh you aint got to wait; DO feel free to leave at any time," but I did say that to my sister when I texted her to vent. My hope was really that after she slept it off my mom would wake up and see how over the top she was and apologize. Either that or she'd wake up and pack her shit. I mean stay for what? She's not offering any emotional support and she's doing absolutely nothing I cant do for myself at this point. But admittedly, my feelings were hurt. I mean how does a person become so angry over a tea cup? There were other things in the sink already and pots and pans from dinner had just been emptied into containers so they were needing to be washed too. Why was it such a big deal that he put a cup in the sink? I have my own theories about where it all comes from but this is just another display of her all-the-time anger making an appearance out of nowhere and her not knowing - or maybe not even caring - when she's taking it too far.

Then my mind flashed back to earlier in the day also when she came into my room (supposedly to "check on me") and randomly started telling me how much money she's spent since she's been here. She's telling me how she told my kids as well as my nieces and nephews that she'll get them something for Christmas later cause she needed to be down here and how now she's got $7 left cause she spent her whole $500 bonus since she been here.

*squint* Dude, Im on drugs right now, why are you telling me all this? LOL

My mama being who she is, I can only imagine she was planting that "all I've done for you" seed so she could throw it back up in my face or run a guilt trip later and laying the groundwork for me to break her off something before she goes back upstate, which is another thing I don't like about her. Don't play games with me - TELL ME what you want. Stop leaving fucken bread crumbs and shit.

So far I have passed her once in the kitchen this morning, ironically, while my daughter was washing dishes. There were no words exchanged, I didn't even make eye contact with her. I don't really have anything to say to her until she acknowledges her foolishness and apologizes. I am not taking this nonsense with her into 2014 and she gon learn today.

Pettiness

Now see.... just that fast.... smh

So Im in the bed chillaxing, trying to get my iTunes life together and I hear a slight ruckus which ends before I had a chance to mute my TV. My son comes in the room and tells me my mom wont help him reinstate his playstation account. Allow me to explain...

A while back my mom purchased a game or two for him via the PS3 console. Months later, I let him purchase something via the console, not realizing that my mom's information had been saved in the system so rather than prompt my son for my billing info upon making his selection, it automatically charged her card. He told me he thought that had happened but by the end of the transaction he seemed to have corrected it and sent it through on mine. Turns out it never corrected, but we didn't know that until my mom got her bill and the purchase was on it. Because she was being pissy at the time, rather than just call and let me know, where I could have just paid her for the purchase, she tells her credit card people she did not authorize the purchase and it was reported as fraudulent, another thing we didn't find out until later, when my son went to do something on the console and it told him his account was suspended for suspected fraudulent activity.

My mom being down here and him just getting his PS3 back (he was on punishment up until this week) he wanted to try to get the account cleared up. Unfortunately when he told SONY he could put her on the phone, they told him they cant just take her word that she is who she says she is and because the credit card people told them it was a fraudulent charge, she needs to touch base with the credit card people and say it wasn't fraudulent so the credit card people can then tell them that it wasn't fraudulent. Until then the account would remain suspended. She refuses to call because she "didn't authorize the transaction" like she said.

Sighhhhhh. Do you see what I mean about petty shit? I mean is it that difficult to understand that it was all a mistake? She is carrying on like he went and did some fuck shit, trying to get over on her or something. If memory serves me correctly, it was like $29 or some shit. $29 is $29, dont get me wrong, but come on now, I can GIVE you $29 on any day of the week. She still crabby about this morning I guess (what the fuck for? LOL) and is being a fucken bitch for spite. This is the type of shit I be talking about when I say she's petty. How does this type of behavior better any situation? You think teenagers have attitude problems so your response is to have one too? Really? Who's the fucken child here???

Yo. I aint even kidding. Im about ready to thank her for everything and send her on about her way. To be honest, she has done all she can do that me and these kids cant manage ourselves. She's slept more than me in the past 2 days anyway so if she's gonna be miserable, I rather her go do that shit at home.