Is it Saturday yet?

I know its not gonna last because I get restless easily but I've really enjoyed laying around the last couple of days. I suppose its a lot easier to do when the drugs you're on make it nearly impossible to object LOL. I dont know how many people have told me in the last couple of days to just chill out and enjoy the down time, and I am definitely doing that, but I do look forward to things going back to normal... moving freely without the pain and fatigue... a night stand that doesn't look like the pharmacy at Walgreen's... and a roof that shelters only 3. Yes people, my mama is driving me crazy.

Yall don't know this about my mom unless you know her but she's one of those people that's good for talking about punching somebody in the face or kicking them in the throat LOL. Im like "Ma, why you so violent? Why you always talking about putting your hands on somebody?" She justifies it by saying we know she's not really going to do it, its her way of saying someone is "taking her there" and she only does it around people who know her like that. Well first of all, I highly doubt that that is the case. It seems almost reflexive. I don't think she really has any idea how often she actually says it or even that she's saying it until its already coming out of her mouth, and to think that its okay simply because she "doesn't mean it" is to shirk responsibility for careless wielding of the sword of life. I told her if that's her "go-to" response, then there is an issue that she needs to address and its got nothing to do with everybody else in the world (who obviously are the problem LOL). She gets so defensive too whenever you say anything to her about it and Im like "See? Right there. Is there any reason you should be getting this upset right now?" And what does she do? Roll her eyes and walk off mumbling about kicking me in the throat LOL. She's crazy LOL.

Its rather frustrating because I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, talking and laughing with the kids and stuff, but she cant seem to just roll with the positive vibes. In the middle of any story she tells, she has to go off on a tangent about somebody she wanted to kick down a flight of stairs or some shit and I just sigh and SMH. She even started to go so far as to blame the fact that my daughter had an attitude in the store yesterday on us (as in my generation) not taking care of business with our kids. I had to stop her right there......

"Dont do that. I get it - she had an attitude - but she is a teenager and teenagers sometimes do. Its just been that long since you've been exposed to one for any significant length of time because all your kids are grown. Hold her accountable for her attitude and deal with it accordingly. What you are NOT going to do is blame your inability to deal with A CHILD on some failure on my part to raise her, because I have done a damn good job in that regard and I resent any implication otherwise." *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

She never wants to take responsibility for her own reaction or feelings about a situation or acknowledge that people's ability to so quickly and consistently anger her is indicative of a personal problem. She just lashes out. She doesn't see how ugly it is and it makes me sad that she wont even try. So many people block their own blessings by perpetuating negativity in their own behaviors and attitudes and most of those people STAY with something to say about somebody else's. A lot of the things are small things that only require a little conscious reprogramming but change cant infiltrate the gates of defensiveness. Its the kryptonite to the superman of progress. Why wouldn't you want to make a change for the better?

I tell you what - we all have picked up bad habits from time to time that we haven't really noticed. If I have a tendency to do some shit that turns people off, I WANT to know. Maybe Im just an asshole (LOL) but maybe I really don't realize that Im doing it. My mom is generally sweet in nature but she has this underlying anger and bitterness that causes her to make some really ugly comments to and about people. My professional opinion (mmhmm, LOL) is that she has the power to stop doing it by simply acknowledging it and making a conscious effort to redirect her energy in a way that enables her to speak life and positivity. I see now why she always seems to have this look of sourness on her face when she's just walking around day to day. Its embedded in her somewhere and reflecting on the outside. Your thoughts become your disposition. All I want is for her to unleash herself so she can feel as beautiful as she would also appear without that bitterness all over her but I don't know if there is anything I or anybody can say or do to impact the situation if she's not gonna be receptive..... but if she's not gonna be receptive, this is gonna be a long couple days.....

Post-Op

My mom came down to be with me and help me with the midgets while I had surgery. We were up at 3:30 in the morning on Friday and out the door by 4:30. A couple waiting rooms and a rack of paperwork later, I was leaving my bag with her and filing behind seven other people headed into the patient prep area. They sat us each in our individually curtained-off areas, confirmed all the pre-op information they had gathered the day before, and distributed the standard unis, complete with fuzzy bottom-grip slipper socks. I was asked to disrobe and put all my clothes in the blue bag I was given - a sort of "thank you for choosing Roosevelt Hospital" type duffle - and once I had done so, my mom was brought in to share some final moments with me before I was wheeled back to surgery.

I purposely disregarded the implication.

My sister called to pray with me and then after a few minutes, the eight patients were all rounded up, asked to send our family members off into the morning and follow the bowlegged Jamaican guy through the silver double doors. A cute Hispanic guy chatted me up, telling me about his hernia while assuring me that everything with my procedure would be alright. Guess I wasn't doing as good a job hiding my apprehension as I thought. I was taken to my bed and left to lie there until the anesthesiologist assigned to me came to retrieve me. He did so with releases in hand for me to sign off on. I took the pen along with a deep breath that gave way to tears as I suddenly wished more than ever before that my mother were there. It only got worse when they rolled my bed to the operating room I was assigned to, parked the bed outside the door and asked me to WALK through the OR doors. Never in all my life have I heard of anyone WALKING into their procedure.... the last thing I remember was crying my eyes out as I laid back on the table, wondering if I had hugged my mom tight enough for all the years I might miss if I didn't come back.... had I hugged my kids long enough. Did my friends know how much I love them? But the next thing I knew, I was struggling to open my eyes in some random corner, being debriefed as to how everything went, as if I could understand a damn thing being said with all the dope running through my veins. What I did understand was "you're gonna be okay" and "we're gonna go get your mom".... that's all I really wanted to hear anyway.

A while later, after I had been taken to my room, I broke down telling my mom how alone and terrified I felt walking into that operating room. There is nothing like looking around and seeing nothing but cold steel, lights and straps, a table with outstretched arms just waiting for you to sacrifice yourself to it and there's no one there to hold your hand. I hope I never have to go through that again. I don't wish that feeling on anybody.

Three days later I was home, glad my mother is as anal as she is about everything. My house was in impeccable condition LOL. She did her best to make me comfortable despite her own discomfort, running around so much in the time I was gone. I made sure the midgets looked out as much for her as they did for me. I think we both need this time off.

In the end, all is well and I just wanted to update my blog to that effect. I did have to lose an ovary in the process, which wasn't part of the plan, but it was necessary. My hope is that recovery will continue on the speedy path its started to take and that I'll be that much better on the other side of it. Please continue to pray for me and the family while we move toward normalcy and please know I've got plenty more to say about this experience, so stick around...

Rest In Paradise.....

I'm a few days late on this but I've had a couple of things going on since Thanksgiving. I want to send heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Fast and Furious actor, Paul Walker. While I am a fan of the franchise, I am a much bigger fan of some of Paul's other work, i.e. Takers. I'm more saddened that the prequel on deck for that will suffer from his absence (I'm assuming it hasn't already been filmed). IDK, maybe they can use Bradley Cooper and say he was his brother who for whatever reason got replaced with Paul later.... IDK. At any rate, this is a death that caught me off guard. Paul was one of my white chocolate fantasies, so he will indeed be missed.

While Paul was an international superstar of the silver screen, today the world lost an icon - a legend - in the man known as Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela was the very epitome of humanity and triumph. To say RIP would seem too simple, but at the same time, no words will suffice. Any attempt to find some suitable would fall so short that RIP is the only route respectable enough to take. With that, Mr. Mandela, we salute you and we thank you.

*moment of silence*

What I find interesting is that both these people were such generous and kind individuals. Having died in the same week as 'Curb Your Appeal" co-host Bill Beckwith, who was also a notable humanitarian, I cant help but feel this death link of 3 was by completely by divine design. I mean.... I refuse to believe Mandela was illuminati.....

Black Girls 101

This is some of the realest shit I've come across in a minute.

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2011/12/why-are-black-girls-so-damn-difficult.html

Go to the blog and read the post. A little long, but I promise you it's an excellent read. For measure, here is the very last paragraph:

"Why is the woman in the Statefarm Ad yelling = her boyfriend. Why is Yvette in Baby Boy yelling = Jody. Why does NeNe need money to make her feel confident = An abusive husband. Show me a damaged woman and I’ll show you a man who damaged her ass, be it her Daddy or a boyfriend. With all these jokes about Black Girl Attitude, no one ever looks to the source of why she’s rolling her eyes and cocking her head in disgust. She’s mad because she’s been done wrong. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how a girl who was so nice in high school is now jaded and fussy. What happened to her? People who come back from The War aren’t the same, and love is Vietnam. When a woman is cheated on, toyed with, or constantly lied to; that shit strips her of that innocence and corrodes her patience. I’ve experienced a lot of women who have chips on their shoulders and they took it out on me, even though I wasn’t to blame. Regardless of race, all women who have been hurt have those kinds of walls up; Black girls just express it in a certain way. If she’s blowing up over small shit, then best believe there are bigger issues at hand. In the words of Drizzy, “Who’s paying for all that therapy, um nigga not me“. We as men should not be made to pay for what the guy before us did to her, but we shouldn’t be so quick to add fuel to the fire either. Instead of helping her deal with those anger issues or giving her a shoulder to cry on, most of us just get her to drop her guard long enough to smash, then bounce because we don’t want to deal with her crazy ass. Imagine that happening to you several times? That’s the reason Black women rage against the machine known as mankind because a large percentage have been cut open, stitched up, then had those stitches ripped out again. By the time she meets a guy who could be Mr. Right, she’s hiding behind her attitude because that’s the only defense mechanism she has left. The perception that Black girls are hard to get along with or ticking time bombs is propaganda. If you treat a Black woman right and take time to understand her, Black girls aren’t any more difficult than any other women, in fact, Black girls are easy."



Excuse me while I shout around my bedroom...

Message of the day #2

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Just wanted to get this off my chest, but Ima make it quick.

The background: you have a soul mate who also feels you are theirs. You date for a period of time and then for whatever reason, you part ways. Years later as great friends, you both take responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship, however life went on in the between time and at least one of you is now married with children.

First of all, there is nothing cute about a married man addressing another woman as "Mrs. [insert last name]" - NOTHING. I don't care if you say (or even truly feel) she should have been your wife. She isn't. Not only is it hurtful to her if she still has feelings for you, serving as a reminder that she cant be with you but its disrespectful as hell to the actual wife you are about to go home to. Im sure you think its a stroke to the ego to let this woman know you still feel this way about her but newsflash, homie: Its not. Why? Quite simply, love aint got shit to do with it. Life aint about feelings, life is about choices and the situations that result from the ones you make. Sure, we would all have made different decisions at certain points in time if only we had known "something" but the best lesson anyone could have learned along the way is not to make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances.

When you go on with your life, let her go on with hers too. Don't strain the friendship you've been able to settle into by constantly pulling her back with all your lamentation. If she still has feelings for you, trust, she's had her own struggles with it but if she's managed to keep it moving despite that, let her. You cant, you say? Well, why not? Oh! You love her! Well why didnt you say so? GTFOH LOL

Message of the day: If you don't "love" her enough to be with her, leave her alone.

A lesson in humility

I learned some shit about myself the other day that kinda bugged me out and Im still picking it apart trying to get every morsel of insight out of it like those last little pieces of meat caught in the tendons of a chicken wing LOL. It can only make me better.

See I had this drink date planned with...... someone a lotta people know. I originally scheduled it for Friday because I had planned to go out for drinks with a coworker but I had a half day, whereas she didn't. So when the date came up, I said cool, this will kill that time in between and I'll just go back downtown after. As luck would have it, Halloween partying kicked my coworker's ass so she didn't even come in to work. No need for me to kill time anymore and now I kinda wanna just go home. I did have every intention of going on the date when I made the plans because I was genuinely interested in getting to know the dude but at the same time, him being who he was, I knew nothing was really gonna come of it so come 12:00, I actually considered canceling. I mean I aint really into going through the motions no more, you know what Im sayin? But my girlfriend reminded me of my commitment to LIVE life and not having other plans for the night, I'd be mad at myself later if I didnt go. I knew she was right so I sucked it up and went. I get to Harlem, we hug, he kisses me on the cheek and we start the slow stroll down 125th St. I've got no idea where we're going but he points out his house as we pass it. I almost felt a little special, but I digress LOL. He says we're walking up to the park. Cool.

So let's cut to the chase; we never did go get that drink. This dude talked the entire nearly 3 hours on that bench, which was the first shock of the day because he had seemed to be such the man of few words the couple of times we chatted/texted prior. Im guessing he's just more of a talker than a typer like most guys are but he was also really passionate about the stuff he was saying and that always puts more gas in the tank. With some very colorful anecdotes, he talked about how our bodies deteriorate at the pace they do partly because the human body was not engineered to digest "well" cooked meat and that we're cooking all the vitamins out of our vegetables as well. He eats accordingly. He talked about some other things regarding anatomy using terms I'm unfamiliar with so I cant recount it to you, but he essentially attributed all of it to population control; we're being conditioned to live in ways that ensure that we'll die off earlier, making room on the planet for babies LOL. Then he talked about chemtrails. Then he talked about how ghetto kids are being mind-fucked into playing basketball on computers so they wont play it outside, thereby eliminating that potential avenue out of the ghetto. He talked about the worthlessness of the dollar. He talked about Clinton/Lewinsky being a setup. He talked about Kendrick Lamar (and others) and how nobody's gonna be hearing from him in a year because he's not marketable. He talked about the bailout. He talked about the Constitution LOL. He talked about Katrina and FEMA, which I have to say was a very interesting conversation because he told me some things I didn't know. To be fair, he told me a lot of things I didn't know, but that was the only thing I admitted out loud to him LOL.

Bruh LITERALLY talked the entire time. He did stop to ask me a question here and there to gauge my own personal knowledge of whatever he was talking about, and I'd pretend I thought the question was rhetorical LOL Like dude, I aint come out here for all this LOL. But here is the interesting part; where I would normally have been miserable in that situation, I actually found it very entertaining AND informative. The guy's charismatic, so he's animated when he speaks. He's expressive with his face, very engaging. I also happened to notice every little time he touched me unnecessarily, how he sat so close but still found a way to get closer. At one point he pulled me over and kissed me on the cheek again like "bless your heart" when I said something he thought was silly. I mean even though he was talking my head off about random shit, it wasn't a seminar. There was a little banter back and forth here and there but none of it was me contradicting anything he said. I'd ask clarification. I'd say something was interesting. I'd ask his opinion on conflicting positions. What I didn't want to do is make myself his adversary, only I didn't realize I was doing that until I was on my way home. In fact, I didn't realize any of this until then.

I walked away from that park bench thinking "Good, its finally over." I hadn't been bored but I hadn't really learned anything personal about the guy, nor did he about me. Despite his closeness, there was really no intimacy to it either. It just didn't feel like a date and honestly, I was feeling like he wasn't somebody I'd even want to date. He's overbearing, knows too much about too much, and he's a Leo LOL. He'll always wanna be right, which means everything is gonna turn into a debate and you know how much you hate that, I said to myself LOL. He's a health nut, he's gonna have you running and eating raw baby hens and shit LOL. He damn sure aint having it with you smoking. He was cool; if I got the chance to hang out with him again, I probably would, but there's no way I could date this guy.

Fast forward to the PATH train and I find myself smiling. What the fuck is the smile about, Dig? (Is what Im saying to myself LOL) and this is when I realize all the stuff I said up there ^ and I also realize that while I spent all the way up to that time telling myself I'd never date him, he's exactly the kind of guy I SHOULD be dating. Somebody who challenges me - not just about my knowledge of a thing but getting me to evaluate from time to time why I believe what I believe or do what I do. Is there a better way to do something? Am I open to new things/alternatives, and if not, why not? I am very much a creature of habit so I need somebody to tap me on the shoulder sometimes and remind me to take my own temperature every now and then. Oddly enough, I think the cosmos had this revelation in the works for a few days prior cause I recently realized I only buy Folgers instant coffee for my house but guess what? I really don't like the shit LMAO! I buy it because its the only one my mother would buy and she had convinced me that it was the best there was, when in actuality, its kind of bitter and gives me the bubble guts LOL. Sorry for the TMI but Im saying. Now back to the story..... he's a health nut. Okay. Maybe he'll force it on you, maybe he wont, but would it really be a bad thing to get more fit or eat healthier? I mean sure, he use to run from Jersey to the Bronx (that shit cray) but that doesn't mean he'd expect you to. He doesn't even do it anymore LOL.

But yall get my drift - its like I was afraid of impending progress. All the things about him I was telling myself I didn't want to be bothered with are all the things I actually need to complement me. Problem is people like him don't tend to think people like me are good enough for them and I feel like to an extent, I was feeling that way too. We really had no personal conversation at all so he has no idea whether I work out or not, how I eat, if I smoke, whether I mismanage my money.....sigh LOL...... but I know and it made me feel inferior. Then I realized I felt inferior because I am embarrassed by some of those things. To me they are flaws (you know, those things nobody wants to admit to having LOL) but they should be looked at as opportunities for improvement. When you sit in denial of your shortcomings, they can be held against you. That's where insecurity comes from - the fear that something unsavory about you will be exposed. When you embrace them, you can open up to the things that will enable you to better them. I cant effectively fill a hole I won't acknowledge is there, right? But I mean, its hard because we want to present ourselves as perfect people, especially to people who come off perfect to us. As soon as you realize just how much you don't measure up, at least in your mind, the first reaction is usually to run before they see what you see. They wont want you so you preempt their rejection by rejecting them first, ya with me? But this time I called myself out on it and said you know what Dig, that's some bullshit and you know it LOL. Stop rationalizing settling for the cats that cosign you living fucked up out here, how they gonna improve your life by just being company to live fucked up with LOL. Smartest person in a room fulla dummies..... just blissfully unimproved and shit LOL.....smh

*giggle fit*

For real though. End of the day, I don't know if Im ever gonna see this guy again. I feel like THIS meetup was highly unlikely so.... the fact that I didnt leave that park feeling like there were any real intentions makes me think not. Its probably for the best, again, him being who he is. I don't need that kinda stress LOL. Im okay with the occasional text or chat. But he at least opened my eyes to something I hadn't seen before. I've been thinking about it ever since. Even stopped and picked up one of these on the way home:

24 hours smoke-free. #babysteps