The Greatest Love of All

I think I went to bed a little after midnight... I was more than a lil tipsy, so Im really not sure LOL. I woke up at about 2:30 or 3 and couldnt go back to sleep - the downside of flushing your system with too much water before you lay down. #hangoverpreventionstrategymiscalculation

Anyway, I spent the next hour and a half watching Whitney's 80's video tribute on VH1 - the same half hour, three times, and I woulda watched it again if they hadnt changed programs.

I still dont have a favorite Whitney Houston song, but I have decided "The Greatest Love of All" is MY song. I wished the video was a representation of my life - a dream culminating into reality, with my supportive parent waiting in the wings - but even though it isnt, the lyrics are.

"Everybody's searching for a hero.
People need someone to look up to.
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs.
A lonely place to be...
And so I learned to depend on me."

True enough. I got a little misty just typing that.... There you have it. The A to Z on Dig in a nutshell.

Then I got to thinking. Whitney Houston, the beautiful disaster that she became, died at 48 years young. My oldest sister will be 43 in July. As youthful and vibrant as she [usually LOL] is, the idea that a person's life expectancy would be only 5 more years than that is startling. I realize a person of that age is not likely to die without the influence of external forces (disease, addiction, murder, accident, etc) but still.... it brings you face to face with your own mortality, and as one who (as I've often said) fears dying before [what would be considered] my time, it just made me start reflecting on my own life.

Then those lyrics got me again:

"I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadow.
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe.
No matter what they take from me,
They cant take away my dignity..."

Again.... true enough. And whenever my number comes up, that is exactly how I want to be remembered.

I am dealing with some personal challenges (what else is new?) some of which I have mentioned here, some which I have not. I may or may not conquer them all, but be as well aware that my decisions are my own, as I am that the consequences are also. Some may not agree with my choices, but they are my choices.... not my circumstances.... not anything I've "fallen into".... my CHOICES. Because I dont just land wherever the wind blows me. I am actively living - free-spirited, in my own truth, and without apology. Hopefully few are warranted (LOL) but trust that the ones I issue will not be in regards to how I choose to live my life.

If learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, I loved and lost a hundred times before I could actually say I had finally found it and it was here to stay. But I have, and it is. We fight and take breaks every now and then (LMAO!) but we stayin together LOL.

A little while ago, BET re-aired the 2010 BET Honors show where Whitney was honored for her achievements in the industry. Jennifer Hudson sang a tribute for her - I Will Always Love You - and I found myself in tears again when she held Whitney's hand, looked her in the eye and sang:

"I hope life treats you kind.
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
I wish you joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Such a tortured soul, on the surface it would seem as though she hadnt gotten any of this.... but maybe she had plenty and it just wasnt enough.

"And if by chance that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place...."

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it does.

"...Find your strength in love."