13 Year Old Girls

So the midgets had a going away party this weekend. I threw it at the bowling alley we frequented, and a good deal of my son’s friends showed up. My daughter only had two school friends show up, because she butchered the information on the invites she handed out, but since the party was also for her birthday (which was yesterday) all she cared about was getting her Nintendo DS. LOL Our allotted two hours was winding down and everyone seemed to be having a wonderful time. I was fulfilling my motherly duties – snapping pictures, handing out slices of pizza and being gracious hostess to the parents that decided to linger, when I get this tap on the shoulder.

“Thank you for having me, will you tell Bobby I said bye?”

My first thought was well why wouldn’t you just tell him yourself? but then I turned around and saw this little girl standing there, with her eyes all wet. I said “you ok?” she said “I’m gonna miss him,” and walked away.

OMG... I really wish yall coulda heard the way she said it. It broke my heart in a million pieces. Before I knew it, my eyes were wet too. I couldn’t help it. If you have ever been a 13yr old girl with a crush the size of life itself, you know another one when you see her. I’d bet my brand new furry boots: this little girl was gonna be crying for the next ten days LOL.

The little girl turned and left before I could react, but everything in me wishes I had been able to stop her and give her a hug. I should have asked her if he knew how she felt about him. She would probably have told me no, and I would have persuaded her to tell him. He was leaving – what would she have had to lose? She could even have bolted for the door afterwards, but at least it would have been off her chest and not festering for the next 20 years, until she randomly bumps into him on whatever Facebook is going to be called by then. I’ve been that little girl, and its no parade.

She was on my mind for the rest of the night. It took me back to when I was 13, crushing on Mr. 1738 (see previous bloggage). That had to be the cryingest summer ever in life LOL. Me and my road dawg at the time had this little “thing” with Mr. 1738 and his cousin, and even though it seemed that feelings were mutual all around, neither couple could get it together. At every turn, my ass was cryin LOL – cryin on the kitchen floor with the cousin talkin bout the girlfriend, cryin on the bleachers with the girlfriend talkin bout the cousin, cryin at the falls with the cousin AND the girlfriend talkin bout Mr. 1738 LOL. I think I cried with just about everybody but the guy I was cryin about LOL I was so in love with him too. *smh* Back then, I didn’t really know how to verbalize things like that. He’d ask me direct questions, and I was so shy and nervous around him, I could never form the words to a direct response. I could never manage to do much of anything when I was around him but smile and blush. He worked with me a little bit, for a while, but I think, at some point, he got tired of always having to pull things out of me. Anybody would have. But he was the first boy to really pursue me and I didn’t know what to do with his affections. All I knew was that I really liked him. He knew it too – at least if you let me tell it LOL. Why would I think there would ever come a time when he would get tired of chasing me and move on? LOL But that’s exactly what he did. Broke my little heart too.

Oh there's SOOOO much more to the story, but that's better left for another blog, so long story short, we remained friends, and though he wasn’t my first physical love, the way he was my first emotional one, we did seal that deal eventually as well. Twice LOL (Im just saying LOL) and then he had all these babies… and went to jail….. then prison …. He was doing the most LOL. He got out a few years ago and when I bought him that bottle of 1738 for his birthday last year (well 2009) was the first time I had even seen him in... probably 11 or 12 years. I never really got over this dude – well I did, enough to go on with my life – but I knew if I ever had the opportunity, I would tell him how I felt about him and not be afraid this time....

...its....not..... quite the same, twenty years later LOL. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I felt soooooooooo much lighter, having gotten it off my chest, but a guy cant help but look at you like a crazy person when you’re going that hard in the paint, without the ball LOL. So what was once despair about having potentially missed out on the love of my life, behind never telling him how I really felt about him, turned into panic and embarrassment about having martyred my dignity, saying TOO much, trying to revive a time long since passed. There was just no winning in that situation LOL. In that particular case, a moment gone was gone forever. Nothing I said or did was ever going to get it back for me, and all I could do was wish I had said something the first time. Back then. At 13. Most things are only good for the first go ‘round.

But then... Ahh, but then LOL... every once in a while, something makes its way back around to you that might not have haunted you for the last twenty years, but does evoke a certain sentiment when revisited. You realize that some 13 year old girls... were boys. You smile at his reappearance, even moreso at his recollection of events long passed, and bigger yet at the idea that he never quite got over you – well he did, enough to go on with his life – but he knew that if he ever had the opportunity, he would tell you how he felt about you and not be afraid this time...

...its...not.... quite the same, twenty years later. Its better. You weren’t ready for it back then, but you have seen and done enough to be ready for it now. You can appreciate it now. So what’s left to do but lend yourself to the process?

I lent myself to the process, and found everything I was looking for. See, these people from the past, that I have been blogging about, kept coming out of the woodwork for a reason. I knew the next big thing would be in the form of something old, turned new. I just thought it would have come from a more in-yo-face, life-shaping experience – like Mr. 1738. Instead, it came from a slightly more obscure place, that couldn’t have been more buried in the clover fields of my mind. If I had sat down and ran down all the miscarried affairs of yester year that I could recount, I can state with considerable certainty that this particular tryst would have gone unmentioned. It was short-lived, without any particular flare to its beginning or end, and since the end, its like it almost never happened. I don’t know why the memory has been repressed all these years, but when he showed up, it was like a smelling salt – it all came flooding back. It was the most amazing thing, and its been the most amazing thing ever since.

Hmm.

Maybe the little girl at the party will be alright after all. Maybe I'll buy MYSELF a bottle of 1738 and toast to it. Shout out to all the 13 year old girls in the house. I see you....

:)