Eureka!

Grief is so complicated. As much as you're hurting, life is still happening, and you have these moments where you want to laugh or celebrate something but you can't.  At least, you feel like you can't. At times, you even actively push against it. But I had a revelation over the weekend....

A loss doesn't require you to be in this perpetual state of sadness in order to honor it.  

Laughing with people you love or taking a moment to celebrate an accomplishment you've worked hard for doesn't cancel out your grieving rights.  You don't have to feel guilty for abandoning that hole for just a little while, to remember YOU'RE still here.  When you're done laughing and celebrating, that hole will still be there.  

But you'll find it's not quite as deep as it use to be.  Some of that laughter and celebration filled this hole just enough that you can no longer fit inside.  So now you just sit beside it, tethered by the immense sense of loss you still feel.  It's like a giant magnet, just compelling your emotions to it.  Then something makes you smile, or cry happy tears and that hole gets filled up just a bit more.  And then more.  And then more.  Until finally that hole is so filled in that the magnet no longer compels you.  

I've learned that this is how grief works.  In the beginning, you're shackled to your loss - near-paralyzed, unable to move forward or even out of that space.  Eventually, the loss becomes shackled to you. So there needn't be any fear of moving forward - you will take that loss with you wherever you go.  The idea that at some point you'll be all "sadded" and cried out, and that this will be your signal to carry on with your life is just ridiculous, still we all kind of feel that way for a good while before we realize how ridiculous it actually is. 

So, I guess it's time to move on away from this hole. *Sigh*  Come on, neph.  Let's go.

10%

I remember when my oldest nephew was born.  I was 13, but I remember feeling so grown up and important becoming an aunt for the first time.  I also remember my mother slapping the shit outta me in church because my other sister and I were joking about how his hairline made him look like Sherman Hemsley and I couldn't stop giggling.  Low key, it mighta took for her to knock fire out my face for me to stop laughing.  It was that funny.  

He was the cutest little boy too - my son looked a lot like him growing up, actually.  I remember bringing him to spend several weekends with me on campus when I was in college.  All my friends spoiled him and whenever I didn't have him, they'd be asking when he was coming back again.  My little buddy.  We stayed pretty close throughout his teenage and adult years too.  When I lived upstate, he'd always show up at the house to talk to me about important decisions he had to make.  I appreciated that he'd come in person - it let me know, whatever the matter, it was something he took seriously.  He didn't always take my advice, but he'd always come back when he didn't and tell me, "Auntie, you always right, I shoulda listened to you."  And I'd say that I'm not always right, but I'm never gonna give him bad advice.  He'd listen about 90% of the time, but the times he didn't were the times I wished most that he had.  After I moved, he couldn't make those visits in person, but I knew to pick up any time he'd call.

He spent a few years being a fucken knucklehead and it almost got his ass killed about 5 or 6 years ago, but for the most part, he turned himself around after that and has tried to stay away from trouble and focus on his wife and kids.  He also turned to music and has really put a lot of himself into it - something else he and my son have in common.  I didn't know until yesterday that they had actually cut a song together.  I'd love to call and tell him much I like it except....  

My nephew died today.

In fact, he died 2 weeks ago after hanging himself in a closet.  The EMT's brought him back but far too late for there to be sufficient brain activity for him to ever resume a normal life.  Still, for 13 days, hope tormented my family through a ventilator and feeding tube.  Those were removed on Saturday afternoon and my nephew held his own for 37 hours.

I'm angry.  I'm sooo angry.  And I'm hurt.  For his mother, for his brother, for his children, and for mine.  But I'm also proud of my nephew for fighting to be here as long as he did.  Not for those 37 hours, but for the previous 20 years, suffering through depression and suicidal ideations.  He was emotional, often angry, but when he'd get to a place where he felt he couldn't take it anymore, he'd call.....until he didn't.  There's a very, very odd solace I find in that. One, that his mind was made up, and two..... well, like I said, the times he didn't listen to me were always the times I wished most that he had.  

Love you forever, neph.

Helluva Day

Man.  Today was.... a lot.  5 hours out of my 8-hour workday were conversations of the heaviest proportions, my energy is just..... UGH.  Don't get me wrong, they were good and necessary conversations, but I am just so drained.  Needless to say, I got NO actual work done.

Why do people do that?  Say "needless to say" and then say it? LOL  Random.  Nevermind.

It's a Bacardi, black and Pandora kinda night.  I need to get my energy together.  Don't take unanswered calls/texts personally.

Jay Z Life Advice Will Leave You SPEECHLESS (ft. Will Smith) | Eye Openi...

Please, Ladies....

Get out of the habit of explaining yourself.  

You don't need to qualify your "no" for the benefit of the person on the other end of the conversation.  Truth be told, you're doing that for YOU.  It's a sign of insecurity.  Someone who doesn't want you to make the decision you're making is going to try to dispute your reasoning in an effort to get you to change your mind, and if you're really gut-wrenchingly honest with yourself, you want them to.  You subconsciously want to feel like they didn't want to let it go, but the fact of the matter is, in many cases, they just don't want to let you go on YOUR terms.  They'll pull you back in, waste a shitload more of your time and have you mad at yourself in the end that you didn't just follow your gut in the first place.

It's crazy how often black women, in particular, do this.  It's not that it's not understandable because we've been conditioned to take care of everyone but ourselves, so when we make a decision for ourselves that we know might make someone else feel a way, we automatically prioritize the other person's feelings over ours.  This isn't so much insecurity as it is culture, but you have to understand how you're still doing yourself a disservice.  If you want to be taken seriously, you need to stand on your word when it's given.

It's one thing if you're uncertain and you need a little more information.  In that case, there needn't even be any definitive stance taken (out loud) but the second you determine that something isn't for you, let your "no" stand alone.  Stop creating space for someone to manipulate you.  

Example:

[After some unsettling conversation with someone you just met, you don't feel comfortable proceeding with getting to know each other]

The Wrong Way

Them: So, this is done then?

You: Well yeah, because I just [insert reasoning here].

Them: [Insert dispute].

The Right Way

Them: So, this is done then?

You: Yes, it is.

[Understand, you may still get some feedback at this point, but more often than not, it won't be the type of feedback that threatens your stance.]

Again, stop creating space for people to manipulate you.  By the same token, ladies (and I think I've spoken about this before), stop putting "LOL" after everything you say (text obvi).  If you meant that shit from the depths of your soul, you just said WTF you said.  "LOL" after everything is also insecurity, and creates a climate within that interaction where you don't seem confident.  It's an unlabeled request for permission to say what you're saying.  PLEASE stop doing that.  Especially those of you who are on a quest for self love and identity in this crazy time.  It's a very easy way to start feeling better about yourself, though it does take conscious effort and intentionality to break the old habit.  

You have a right to be definitive.  

You have a right to express yourself.

You have a right to rebuke anything and anyone that does not feel good to your soul.  

Just remember that "No" is a complete sentence.  Put a period after it.

Missing the Message

Sitting at my desk with "Just Once" on loop.  Nothing's wrong and it isn't currently relevant in my life, except that it was one of my very first favorite songs and I find myself lately holding fast to all the things I associate with warm fuzzy feelings.  A joy.  A peace.  Simpler times.  This song, for me, is definitely that.  I had to be what - 5? 6 maybe?  I'm sure I didn't know what the words meant, but James Ingram's voice spoke to me, even then.  It's makin me giggle just a little now, remembering how for years I thought his name was Quincy Jones.  Then some other song of his came out and I was all "Quincy Jones" and my mama was like "Girl..." LOL  I was so confused, trying to understand how somebody could have an album with somebody else singing all the songs.  But I learned the name James Ingram, and I could identify his voice in a single note from then on.

It's probably playing for the 9th time, but I'm hearing it a little differently now as I scroll through my social media....   

"Just once.  Can we figure out what we keep doing wrong?

Why the good times never last for long...

Where are we going wrong?

Just once. Can we find a way to finally make it right?"

I know absolutely nobody else is going to make the connection - it's fine - but as I'm scrolling, I'm just thinking what would happen if all you could see were the posts, and not who posted them?  Why can't the message just be the message?  Why do we put our stamp of approval (likes) on bullshit simply because it's from the homie, and scroll past something that genuinely moves us because it's from a person we don't really bang with anymore?  A better question is why do we stay connected to people we don't really bang with anymore?  I know there are reasons for one or two that we probably can't even verbalize  - history, a love, a respect, a.... something that won't let us cut the rope - but by and large, them muhfuckas have zero significance to your life, past or present.  So why do we stay connected?  Why don't we delete all the people whose every post make us roll our eyes?  Why do we do that?

In this case, the question is far more important than the answer.  Much of 2020 has been that way.  I think we're missing the message, people....

I'm Tired

Breonna Taylor.  I know you all heard the bullshit news that came down today, concerning the charges that were brought against ONE officer, for SHOOTING INTO A NEIGHBORING APARTMENT!!!

WHAT?????

I wanna talk about this shit but I just can't.  I ain't got no more.  So you know what.......