Suppression

I thought I was depressed for the longest time. Fully aware that not all depression is crippling to the point of not being able to function, I was sure it was responsible for my inability to muster more than the bare minimum required to maintain. Why else would I have been doing the things I was doing, which was essentially not much at all? Why else would I feel such exhaustion the moment I got home, despite all the things I had been thinking all day about doing when I got there? It had to be the reason I'd end up in my room, door closed, in the bed, just watching TV night after night despite the numerous things in this house that needed attention. I knew for a fact that something was wrong and no matter how much sage I burned, how much I meditated, I was never able to shake it for more than a day or so. I've never been much of a sharer when dealing with a personal matter - I'm very much a "figure this shit out" type of person - but it had gotten to the point that I just really didn't know what to do.

In this regard, this pandemic might have been the best thing that could have happened to me. During this time at home, I've been able to slow down and really understand some things I had previously been moving too fast to consider. The rat race is one we all run but there's no hustle and bustle like that of NYC. Go, go, go, all the time. I thought that explained the fatigue when I got home - and to some degree, it had to play a part - but it's been more than that.

I, like many, decided to use this downtime to better myself. Boxing has been amazing. It's not only a great workout; it has really done wonders in helping me manage my stress. It hurts, but I feel great afterwards knowing I've done something good for myself. I feel that way after every workout now, whether I box or not. I feel the same way in my kitchen, cooking up healthier meals than I would be eating out in the world. I definitely miss some of the old lunch spots, but again, I'm doing something good here. So why am I still not getting to things? Why does the end of my work day still flip a switch to this lack of motivation where all I wanna do is head to the room, close the door and.... rinse and repeat?

Oddly enough, it was one of my kids that pulled my coattail to it. My son intercepted me in the kitchen just as I had come in the house from getting my Drizly order at the door. He said, "Mom, didn't you just do an order?" It was Friday. I had just placed an order on Monday and I reordered because I was out already. On Friday. I hadn't even realized how quickly I had blown through that half gallon of rum. I'm sure I said something dismissive in that moment, but I was mortified. See, the other thing I was doing in my room was drinking.

Recently everyone I know has made some comment about how lately they've been drinking way too much. The fact of the matter is, I wasn't drinking any more than I usually did, but that was the problem in itself. I had BEEN drinking too much. It started rather innocently - or purposefully, perhaps is a better word. The year before I relocated, a guy that lived a few houses down from me was murdered outside my house. My kids and I were on the couch at the time, just on the other side of the enclosed porch that sat between us and danger outside. The fear that incident left me with kept us from family time in the living room for weeks after that. When I did return to the living room, I found myself laying down on the couch, or slouching down below window level. I had some serious PTSD and hadn't been sleeping to the point I felt like I was losing my mind. There were many a drinking night at that time and I quickly realized that drinking helped me sleep. It became my fix for that particular issue.

Fast forward 11 years and I was still drinking every night to go to sleep. EVERY NIGHT. And if you know anything about alcohol, you know the more you drink it, the more you have to drink to achieve the same effects. By this time, I was easily downing a whole pint most nights. I have known for a long time that it's not normal and definitely not healthy, but every time I'd try to go bed without drinking, I'd toss and turn all night, or at least until I gave up and poured myself a stiff one. Sure there have been times I had been running all day, came home kind of late and just fell out, but those nights were few and far between. It had become a bigger problem than I ever realized but still, I didn't know what to do.

Then the most horrible, most amazing thing happened. I got on the phone to catch up with one of my oldest friends one night, drinking as usual. A really bad habit I've developed because when I'm on the phone, I'm not paying attention to how much I'm drinking or refilling. 2 hours later, we hang up and I basically pass out. I felt fine when I initially stirred the next morning, but the second I stepped out of bed and opened my eyes to head to my bathroom, it hit me. My eyes felt broken - they hurt and everything looked like a fun house mirror. Dizzy, I also could barely walk, staggering the 10 feet from my bed to the bathroom door. I sat down and closed my eyes and felt okay, but when I got up, it was the same thing all over again. I had to work so I had no choice but try to pull myself together. Try as I may though, Motrin, sunglasses, hair of the dog - nothing was helping. I barely made it through the zoom meeting I had with my boss, which I did with the camera off, and the second we hung up, I knew I was about to lose that battle of trying not to throw up. I made it to my bedroom just in time to hurl in the garbage and knew I'd have been much better off if I had just thrown up in the first place. IDK why we always try to fight it. I was fortunate enough to not have any external meetings that day and did all my internal ones with the camera off while I laid in bed, struggling. It was around 6 pm that night before any sense of normalcy started to return. It was the WORST experience I've ever had behind alcohol and I knew I wanted no parts of it any time soon.

The following day was the first of my week-long detox. I wasn't sure how I was gonna make it through the night, but tea proved helpful. I still had a really hard time going to sleep, but I was determined not to drink. A week later was my 1-year anniversary at my job and I had also closed a big deal, so my anniversary twin and I decided we should drink to the accomplishment. I woke up fine the next morning, but had the world's wickedest migraine by noon. I was and still am convinced the universe was trying to tell me celebrating was not the move. But still, there was happy hour the next night. I didn't want to drink at all but I decided it would be fine to just have ONE drink if I made it like normal people would make it. Besides, it had to be a good complement to the tea I'd have after and help me fall asleep, right? Another bad idea. From just the one light drink, I started to feel sick. I didn't even finish it, I ended up pouring about a fourth of it in the sink. My body simply does not want it and I couldn't be happier about it because I'm not quite sure I'd have been able to step away from it on my own.

So it's been a couple of weeks now and not only do I feel great, I've become more productive and much more intuitive. I'm slowly getting to sleep faster, I'm sleeping better and my dreams are so much more vivid. Reflecting last night after feeling just so grateful for the day, I know now that I wasn't depressed. I was suppressed. My system, my mind, my spirit - all suppressed. Now that I'm not drinking is the first time in a very long time that I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders. My thoughts are flowing freely again, I'm back to planning and mapping out things I want to do and I'm vibrating on a much higher frequency, consistently. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me.

Now does this mean I'll never drink again? I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe I'd indulge at some point, but I plan to stay the course for the foreseeable future. When I do have a drink again, it will be for a reason and not just out of boredom or some crazy routine that's taken over my life. I fully intend to come out of this pandemic my best self and since that's likely not gonna be until 2021, I've got plenty of time to get it right.