I spent the first part of it in a relationship with a dream that VERY suddenly felt like it had actually been one. And then deja vu - are we doing this again? No, sir. No, we are not. I laid pretty low for the rest of the year, then Fall blew another wind of "everything" my way. Turned out "everything" was literal and much more than I could handle. Feels weird to say that, Superwoman that I am, but the mark of a grown-but-still-growing woman is the knowledge that there's some shit I'm just not built for. But I'm humbly thankful for the epiphany that is this:
It's been real, sir. Now run along.
I almost went to jail - at work LOL. When I tell you it's the closest I've come to losing my whole entire shit up in my place of business, I exaggerate ZERO. Consummate professional that I am, I managed to avoid being led out of my office in cuffs, but I seriously considered tendering my resignation until my agitator tendered his a couple of days later. Maybe that was the universe's way of telling me to sit back and chill the fuck out, but still just for a minute. New digs remains priority ONE for 2019 and I have a whole host of celebratory moves to make once that happens. I. Can't. Wait.
My mama is still my mama. Oh, she took violation to PEAK level this year. I don't know if I've ever been as angry as I've been with her, as many times as I've been with her this year, but I can only blame myself for allowing her to guilt and manipulate me the way she did. I have somewhat figured out how to handle her now though - I simply remind her that she has two other kids.
My daughter sustained a season-ending injury before the season even opened and let me tell you, it was HARD. The surgery, the recovery - it's all been so draining, but holy Dora Milaje, Batman! This girl is a true warrior! She's been thugging it out like a six-figure contract is on the line so I have no doubt she'll make a full recovery and be back on the court, #killinem senior year.
Guess whose summer body finally showed up? *thumbs to self* THIS girl! Yes, yes, I finally committed to the healthier lifestyle I saw for myself for so many years but was too lazy to implement. I still have some goals to accomplish but three days a week in the gym have really turned things around - not just physically, but mentally. That kind of consistency was a real hurdle for me, initially, but overcoming that was huge for my mindset and once I got into the groove, it was just like clockwork. Now admittedly, I haven't been with any kind of consistency for the past month, and not at all for the past couple of weeks, but hey, I've been busy. Not to worry, I'll be right back at it after some much needed R&R.
So what's in store for Dig in 2019? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: I plan to be an active participant, starting with my birthday, day one of the year. I never make a big deal of it because New Year's [Eve] is always such a zoo and I don't want no parts of that shit, but one thing I learned in 2018 is that I need to celebrate myself more. Many of the L's I've taken in general have been as a direct result of not appreciating ME enough. Things as simple as not buying myself a new winter coat because the one I have is perfectly fine are really telling. Yes, it is perfectly fine, but it's 9 years old, my nigga LOL. No bullshit, I cleaned out my closet yesterday and finally forced myself to throw out all the shit I never wear and probably won't, and that included a coat I've had since my son was born. Also in perfect condition, but my son is 20 years old, y'all. The fact that it was Nautica shoulda landed it in a donation bag LONG ago LOL. Luckily I had my daughter overseeing the project because that coat and a lot of other things survived the last 3 cleanings and she was not having it this time.
By the time we were done, my closet was damn near bare. I haven't been able to see the floor of my closet the entire 8 years I've lived in this house but all said and done, I got rid of probably 85% of my shoes (ugh! that hurt my heart...) and 50% of the remaining 15% are on borrowed time - I can only keep them for as long as it takes for me to replace them. My kids convinced me that I needed to let go of everything that was just taking up unnecessary space so that I could see what I was really working with and y'all, it wasn't much. I always felt like I had nothing to wear because I barely did! They also reminded me that it presented me with the opportunity to replenish my wardrobe with new, better stuff. It was such a revelation; that closet was a reflection of my life. The interesting thing is I had already picked up on that as far as the useless people and things in my life were concerned - you'll remember a post or two about me cleaning house earlier this year and late last year - but that was a classic example of treating the symptom and not the underlying disease. Self care is not just about maintenance, it's about prioritizing yourself. More importantly, self care has a direct correlation to self love. Color me fucked up eating that one!
But it's okay, message received. I hope my ladies out there received it too. It can be so easy to put ourselves second to other people or things that by the time we finally check that list again, we're the last thing on it. So if you don't do anything else in 2019, take care of YOU. I don't do resolutions any more but if there's anyone out there still looking for one, you're welcome.
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