My own "crazy"

morning.... pretty uneventful evening. was in bed by 10. woke up like 3 am (im guessing) and i went to pee and saw lights under my bedroom door which meant that boy fell asleep on my damn couch after 800 times telling him to stop. i peed and went back to bed with a major attitude because i was telling myself i bet he didnt put the leftover food away or take the garbage out either. i was making myself so upset i could physically feel the stress building in my chest. so i told myself i have to think about something else. so i started thinking about sex lol. specifically i started thinking about how in the wide scope of things, most sex is really very average and lackluster. i came to that conclusion thinking about [guy 1] of course lol. and [guy 2]. and [guy 3]. but mainly [guy 1] lol. and that thought went to "damn, i havent seen him in 2 years." and that thought went to i miss him but im equally upset with him and i dont care anymore. then it went to [guy 4] - the guy i was supposed to meet up with tonight after work (freshman year at brockport guy). and how i texted him yesterday to see if tonight was still on and he didnt respond. and how im not gonna ask again and if he doesnt hit me, we just wont go. then i thought, if he does hit me, maybe i still wont go. maybe i've made other plans since i didnt hear back from him - or at least, that's what i should say. and suddenly i remembered the last time i was with him in the car, coming from dinner.... had to be almost 4 years ago now...... and i remember we fell out on that ride home. well.... more accurately, i remember him saying something that made me feel really angry.... but i couldnt remember what it was. idk if he said something about a gf..... or if i finally asked him what the deal was with us after all these years of it being the elephant in the room and i didnt like his response.... i really wish i could remember because now that i remember that happened, i remember it kinda being the reason i hadnt spoken to him in so long. i remember consciously NOT texting him happy birthday a couple years ago and rolling my eyes when i saw a linkedin update of his work anniversary or something...... but somehow over time, i've forgotten that incident and reached out a month or so ago, like i always did once or twice a year, and he said we need to get together when the weather warms up. and thats how tonight came about. but now i remember that night in the car and i wonder if he's forgotten too. i wonder if we can pretend it never happened..... of if i should do like i intended and just never speak to him again......