Karma

This year has been a roller coaster, but boy, has it been enlightening.  I spent a good portion of it exploring ideas and concepts I may have previously balked at or maybe was coming across for the first time, and I'm looking at life and the world very differently because of it.  You wanna know one of the most mind-blowing conclusions I've come to?

Karma isn't real.  

The universe doesn't give a fuck about morality, it only responds to frequency.  Whatever you're emanating, the universe reflects, so as long as you're over there crying in your soup, it's going continue to bring you something to cry about, while the "bad guy" continues to have their way because they walk in the belief of being entitled to it.  Simple (but also 🤯).

This is also the key to living your best life.  Manifestation has become such a buzz word these days and most of what people are suggesting others do to achieve it is straight up bullshit and click bait, but that's a rant for another day.

This epiphany had all my flabbers gasted because I was a whole-hearted believer in people reaping what they sow, but I guess I can chalk that up to just another lie that religion sold me. Years of wondering why someone hadn't yet burst into flames (lol) or telling myself that just because the get back wasn't public, doesn't mean hell isn't being wrought behind closed doors, and just like that, the answer: cuss them the fuck out LOL.  Cuss em out! Cause karma ain't coming to save you.  

You do not reap what you sow, but what goes around, does come back around.  We thought that was a karmic adage but it isn't.  It's the universe's golden rule about matching energy.  What you're REALLY giving underneath all the mantras and affirmations in the mirror is what it's gonna amplify.  If you're a complaining ass bitch, for example, the universe is gonna give you more shit to complain about.  No matter what your mouth says, it's your frequency that the universe responds to.  Your genuine thoughts, feelings and beliefs about yourself determine the frequency you're on, so stop holding on to that hurt that no one is gonna pay for but you and go learn to love yourself.

Don't Lie, Craig

Over the weekend I thought about a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while back where I was explaining to her why I was no longer friends with this guy I used to be really close with.  She's like "Oh, okay, because he threw you under the bus."  I said "No, because he LIED."  What's more, he didn't have to.  The truth woulda gotten him out of the situation he had found himself in, but he went past what was true and just started freestyling like it was gonna get him some extra lives or something.  The sucker shit was that the person he was giving it up to was manipulating him into going too far, I believe for the sole purpose of being able to come back and tell me what was said so that I would stop being friends with him.  And that's exactly what happened.  

Here's the thing: if you ever find yourself under extreme duress and the only thing that's gonna save your life is to break my confidence, do that shit.  Gun to your head, give it up.  Say what I said.  Tell what I did.  I'm not a person who does fucked up shit to people or who says anything behind people's backs that I wouldn't say to their faces, but even on the off chance that I did, I'm going to own it.  I promise I won't be mad about it, but TELL👏🏾THE👏🏾TRUTH.👏🏾

Then the MF didn't even have the balls to tell me he said the shit he said, I had to ask him about it.  Here I am thinking the situation got worked out, an understanding was reached - whatever.  Everybody's moving on.  Y'all, when I got the update, it was so crazy to me that at first I didn't even believe it was true.  I thought I was being manipulated at that point, because I just knew MY FRIEND wouldn't do all that.  But I wound up asking him and much to my surprise, he admitted it.  I tried to see things from his perspective and be understanding of how people don't always do the right thing when their backs are up against the wall.  I forgave him in that moment and respected the fact that he copped to it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he never would have told me had I never asked, and that just didn't sit right with me.  Not to mention, as a Capricorn, I have a very big problem with people doing shit to me that I'd never have done to them.  We don't let everyone in, so all breeches are fucken federal.  

Our regular communication took a hit immediately, but we did carry on the small shit, like birthday and holiday wishes for several more years until one year his birthday rolled around and I was like "fuck him" LOL.  I think that tripped a wire in me, because from that point on, I stopped giving MF's grace who thought they could play with me.  Being understanding is overrated, and honestly, most people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.  The lie is obvious.  The disrespect is blatant.  The craziest part is that all of the people I've cut off since then have been people I NEVER thought I'd be doing life without, but the shit end of the stick?  Them having to do life without me.  💪🏾✌🏾

Relationship Math

A friend of mine made a post that said men need to stop complaining about women being in their masculine energy if they are not creating a safe space for their women to occupy their feminine selves.  As you might expect, it spurned a whole men vs women debate about blame and all the bullshit we all must be sick of hearing by now, simply because people were focused on proving their point rather than understanding - either side.

An interesting observation I've made is that an empathetic and enlightened man could post the same thing and other men who may disagree will simply scroll by, but the second a WOMAN posts it, here they come, guns blazing.  Why are you getting defensive, sir?  No one called your name but here you are, present and accounted for.  Why are you triggered?  No, seriously, I'd really like to know.

While I await the response that isn't coming, let me try to simplify things in the way that seems all the rage these days: math.

1+1=2

BUT

1x1=1

Think of the + as harmony; the give and take, if you will.  Each person bringing things to the table, each considering the other and embracing their differences as building blocks to fortify their union. These people seek to understand each other to better see how their pieces fit and smooth the edges so they begin to fit BETTER.  The "power" or lead is constantly shifting between the two and "the two" or "greater good" is always the focus.

Now think of the x as competition. When there is no harmony or understanding, people begin to jockey for position.  This relationship is ego-driven and tends to breed resentment.  Clashes tend to be about who's right and who's wrong - a winner vs a loser.  The product is always "1" because the individuals are focused on themselves, never trusting the other not to obliterate them if given the chance.

Having been at both tables, I can tell you that who is to blame for women sitting in their masculine energy is irrelevant and it's just a waste of energy to go back and forth about it. The important thing to note is that most women don't WANT to sit in it and would naturally soften for a man that provides true safety and leadership.  It happens so naturally that the woman won't even realize she's doing it, she just will.  If the woman by your side has not made that shift, it's likely because you have not shown yourself to be safe or you haven't built the trust necessary for her to be confident in your leadership.  Now I said "likely" because some women just can't get out of their own way, be it past relationship experiences or other personal trauma that left them with major trust issues.  Bar that particular situation, it's you, bruh, because again, it's not something a woman has to even think about.  She doesn't decide to become softer, she just does.  It's home to [most of] us and after all, isn't that all any of us ever really want, to go home?  But many of us haven't been for a long, long time because in this current dating and relationship climate, we simply can't afford the trip.....

I'M. NOT. GOING.

Funerals used to be LIT.

Wakes, I mean.  

Back in the day - when I was in high school and to some degree, my early twenties -  if somebody who was anybody died, your ass was going to the wake.  You ain't even have to know them real well - if at all.  You only had to know OF them, and the criteria was satisfied.  

Don't get me wrong, the deaths were still shocking and sad.  Even more so, being that they were high school kids or young adults, but make no mistake; this was a bonafide social event: outfits, kicks, the whole shit, cause THE TOWN was coming out.  You were probably gonna see that dude or chick you had been wanting to holla at, them niggas or bitches who had you fucked up, and some folks you'd never seen before but would know from that day on after one of your people put you on.  I definitely left more than one of those services with phone numbers, meetup plans, hell, even a boyfriend one time.  Hey, I ain't proud of it, but it was what it was. CRAZY.

That's just how we did when we were young and needing to be seen.  As we got older, many of us thought better of it.  I say "many" because there are some who still show up like that to this day - one example of the mindset that drove me out of Western NY.  The older I got and the more actual FUNERALS I attended, the less cute that shit became.  Lose enough people close to you and a wake or funeral is the LAST place you ever wanna have to be, to the point that I eventually swore them off.  Part of that decision came as a result of moving 5 hours away from the place where I grew up cause, shit, I ain't making that trip for everybody.  However, the bulk of it was about the drain; I ain't making that trip for nobody.

Now understand, "nobody" doesn't really mean nobody, but it probably means YOU, LOL.  I got about 5 funerals left in me for the rest of my life and I already have a pretty good idea of those I'm going to show up for.  Odds are, you ain't make the list, but no one should take that personally. I just know my bandwidth, so I have to do what's best for me, and being in the mix with a bunch of other people snotting and crying, making shit heavier, is not conducive to my well-being.  It doesn't mean I don't love you to pieces.  It doesn't mean that I am not SHATTERED at your loss. It just means that I'm going to make my peace with it in my own way, in my own time, and from wherever I am. 

My cousin made a social media post yesterday, shouting out his mom and issuing a huge "fuck you" to all the folks who did not show up to her funeral a year and a half ago.  I wasn't there (see above) and I get how he feels, to an extent, but I also feel he's got some growing up to do.  That is all I'm going to say about that situation, because while timely, it's only part of the reason I came in here today.

Four days ago, my father died.  He's being cremated today and a memorial will take place sometime next week, but guess what?  He was not in my 5 and I'M. NOT. GOING. We didn't have a good relationship, but HE WAS MY FATHER.  I don't care what your relationship is like with your parents, it's gonna fuck you up a little bit when they're gone.  Automatic identity crisis.  But if I'm not attending services for the man responsible for my existence..... I mean, if I have to finish that sentence, I really don't know what to tell you. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Digfiles: Episode... I Don't Even Know, Dawg

 

Chile, I thought I was gon die last night.  

I was supposed to meet up with a couple of old work friends I haven't seen since before the pandemic, but one of them bailed at the very last second.  The other, quite frankly, isn't compelling enough on their own to get me out of the house, so that cancellation meant rescheduling for some other time.  

I work from home still, though.  I don't put real clothes on, but because of these plans, I had on a full fit, eyes were lined, lip gloss was poppin.....  oh, somebody gon see me tuh-day!

Simultaneously, I was dealing with a delayed order of my hemp chocolates, which have replaced alcohol as my sleep-aid, when needed.  For reasons unknown, it took extra long for them to even send the order out so I hadn't gotten it when expected.  No problem - I'm hanging out tonight, might have a drink or two; I'll def be able to go to sleep when I get home.  Then it got canceled, so now I'm in a bind because I don't really drink like that at home anymore and if I did, I had a feeling it was gonna go bad.  I had been back and forth on Marco Polo, clowning with my girls for the last hour.  It might as well have been a virtual girls' night.  I talk, sip and pour at girls' night until I've forgotten how much I have talked, sipped and poured.  I'd rather not.

So I was contemplating a trip to the smoke shop I frequent but really didn't feel like walking that far.  I decided to go to Walgreen's to pick up my prescription and potentially stop to grab something for lunch today to save me 3x the charges having it delivered.  I made both stops and headed home, suddenly remembering a new smoke shop had opened up right next to my nail salon.  They didn't have chocolates when they first opened, but it's been a couple of months, so I figured I'd check.

I was in luck!

The one guy who wasn't helping the 6 or so other people in there came to assist me.  At that time, all I could see were gummies, which I'm not a huge fan of, so I asked if that was all they had.  I don't know how I missed the entire cooler with the baked goods in it, but clear as day, there were cookies, brownies, some other shit I wasn't fucking with, and I asked him for chocolates.  He showed me what he had in chocolates - some of those, also weird - and none were what I usually get from the other place.  I chose the most regular-looking chocolate I could find that was also small - my order was coming in today, so I only had to worry about last night.

I see 225mg on the wrapper.  Cool, that sounds just about right - the big square is likely made up of little squares to divvy out the dosage.  "Gimme dat."  He brought the square over along with a lollipop that was also 25mg which he was gonna give me for free.  (I told yall somebody was seeing me tuh-day! LOL)  He rings me up while I go in my purse.  "35."

*crickets*

He can't be talking to me.

"Say what, now?"

He repeats, "35," as if he legitimately thought I hadn't heard him.

*waiting for the rest*  "..........35 what?"

He laughs.  "Dollars."

"For th-- " I stopped myself, suddenly realizing where I was and how many people were around me, but 35 fucken dollars for THIS???  The chocolates I get at the other place that are that size (but in fairness, half the thickness) are like $7.  I pay $35 for the shit I was waiting for in the mail at the other store, and that bar is probably 3x the size (think Hershey bar, but 50% wider).  But I said you know what?  You did this to yourself, Dig.  It was my own fault for saying "gimme dat" without asking how much it was gonna cost.  Don't go out like that.  Begrudgingly, I go to hand him my card.  Oh awesome, it's cash only?  That is...great, LOL.  I didn't have cash but luckily, they also accept cashapp.  Sent him the money and skated my ass up outta there.  Hey, at least I got a free lollipop.

Still on Marco Polo with my girls, bitching about my plans going awry, cracking jokes, and you know I had to tell them this story too, cause someone was gonna share in my appalment at this $35 fucken Reese Cup LOL.  I even crack open a Corona.  I'm risking it all, LOL

I open the chocolate and though I expected it to be sectioned into 4, it was actually sectioned into 9 squares.  I try to break off one, but half of another comes with it.  It's small though, and 1 square's only 25mg, so that should be alright.  After all, my other chocolate is 50mg per square.  So boom....

I eat the square and a half and carry on with my sista-girl business.  

In between messages, I'm watching TV.  At some point, my phone chimes and I turn my head to grab it, and the whole gotdamn room shifted left, 16 degrees LOL.  Whoa.  I go to turn my head back - Ooh.  Ok.  Here we go.

I know I need not move, but something told me if I didn't get up to do whatever I needed to do then, I might not be able to get up later.  So I get up, thinking I'll make sure I had closed the blinds and what not, grab a water, couple cookies (lol).... you know.  Chile, I barely got to the doorway of my bedroom before I thought I was gonna fall over.  I stop and let the hall stop spinning, then slowly make my way to do that stuff, and when I tell you.....  yo.  At one point, my legs went out in the kitchen and I was hanging off the counter by my elbows, trying to pull myself together.  Listen, LOL.  By the time I headed back, I was holding on to the walls.  I get to my bed and the room is milly rocking so it took me a smooth 2 minutes to actually get back ON the bed.  SMH.

I just tried to sit still, watching TV, but I started to feel the high moving through my body the way a tsunami rolls through everything in it's path.  But slow.  Literally - my fingers, the soles of my feet.  It went from my chest all the way down to my hands and feet, then all the way back up to my head.  When it got there, my eyes started doing some shit they ain't supposed to do and I could barely see the TV, let alone what was on it, but hey, this is a full tank.  It's hit everywhere, now we just gotta ride it out.

Wrong again.  I just kept getting higher and higher, like WTF IS HAPPENING???  I can't walk, can't stand, and now I can't even sit up.  All I could do was lay down - SLOWLY, LOL.    

By now, I've missed like 3 video messages and now my phone is ringing.  I reach for the phone, can't lift it, so I slide it to me.  Shit, I don't even think I can talk.  Now, I'm trying to decline the call; it takes 3 tries because I keep missing the button.  Sigh.  With some concentration, I'm able to pick up my phone and go to text my girl the predicament I was in.  I type that I was super high and had to talk to her tomorrow (today).  Why did that take me another 2 minutes because I couldn't control my fingers? Siiiiiiigh.  I didn't even bother trying to put my phone on the charger.  I felt around for the remote, turned the TV off and just gave the fuck up, LOL.

I have never been that high in my life!  And I have never been so afraid that I was gonna die from something that won't kill you.  Cause I'd be the one.  I'd be the one fool to disprove the fucken science and die, LOL.  But I was alright this morning, although quite groggy.  My mind was clear enough though to know I needed to take another look at that chocolate.  It just didn't compute that I would have been that high from what I had, but it turns out the price wasn't all I missed at the smoke shop.  I grab the chocolate and big as day on the spine is 'WARNING: HIGH DOSE EDIBLE." 

*staring into the camera*

I'm not even gonna tell yall what else it said.  See for yourself:

Are you fucken shittin' me? LOL.  I'm not a weed smoker and I just got in the edible game in the last like 6 months.  Why the fuck do I need..... siiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh, LOL

I have ZERO questions about how I got here.  SMH

#ReadTheLabel  #DontBeDig  #WTF

When The Work Works

You never really know if the work you think you're doing on yourself is effective until you get into a situation that tests it.  The universe tried me yesterday and I am happy to report that I passed with flying colors!

I put an offer in yesterday on a house.  The asking price was in the range of other homes in the area, but the house itself was not worth it.  This is evident in the difficulty they've had selling it.  By my count, there were 7 other times this home was listed and on some occasions the listing expired, but on others, they had offers that were withdrawn.  They can now add mine to the list.

It really was a beautiful house if you could see past the horrendous decor of the elderly people who had been in there for the last 30 years.  It did need a lot of updates though - no way could I do any of those bathrooms or that kitchen - so I would have been looking at even more spend on the back end, but I was willing at the right price point.  

So I submitted an offer about $35K lower than asking.  The realtor who had never returned any of my calls, texts, or emails prior finally called me back to say that the owners had turned down all short sales because they're in default on their loan and needed what they asked for in order to cover the debt.  But it's not worth that! I thought.  I told him I'd get back to him.

Now I'm a licensed real estate agent but this was going to be my first contract process.  Being the home I would be buying for my family, it was a pretty bold move to have that be the first, but I was going to do it.  That being said, I didn't have a single point of reference for what to do here, and both my broker and "mentor" are out of office this week, so I called my go-to guy at the firm.  We talked about what I could do short of paying full price, like waiving my portion of the commission which would essentially add that money back into the sale price, but in the end, he gave me the real.  He said he'd pass on the house if it were him and went on to explain why.  Y'all have no idea how much I appreciated his honesty because I had been feeling that was the best thing and just needed confirmation from someone who knows the game better than I do.  I decided to follow that advice and broke it to the midgets, hoping they wouldn't be too upset as they loved the house too.  To my surprise, given all the information, they, too, agreed we should pass.  It was such a relief.

But the real surprise for me was my own comfort level.  In years gone by, I'd have gone ahead with the deal simply because I wanted the house so much and I'd have probably found myself stressed the fuck out and going broke trying to bring the property up to my standards.  Sooo many financial issues I had in the past were a result of my impulsiveness - literally almost all of them - so it's a pretty big deal to me that I didn't fall into that trap this time.  As you get older and hopefully wiser, this should be the case, but we all know we don't always do the things we know we should.  I certainly haven't, but it's so good to know that we actually CAN be and do better once we know better. Keep doing the work - really doing it - and you'll get there!

Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?

I asked someone recently to tell me why the last few relationships or situations they had been in hadn't worked out, without saying it was the other person's fault.  They said, "But it was their fault."  I said, "Overtly, yes, but we always play some role in how things play out, so think about what you could have done differently."  Their answer is unimportant - in fact, I can't even remember what it was at the moment - but I thought that maybe I should ask this question of myself.

MY response took some thought but in the end I realized that there had been a recurring theme:

I had allowed myself to drown in the uncertainty of men who couldn't decide if I was worth saving.

Why were they uncertain?  I will probably never know, but I do know that often times, I, myself, was uncertain.  What I've come to realize also is that women, in general, are much more likely to move forward in their uncertainty, just trusting that things are going to work out however they're supposed to and suffering the consequences when they don't.  The mere possibility of the thing means that much to them.  Most men are very different in that they can't move forward if they are unsure.  The trouble is, most of them don't back away either and as long as it's not a clear "no," women will press on, and they will let us.  But not a "no" is not "yes" and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that the middle of the road is the absolutely worst place to be in these situations.  

I do believe that things tend to work out the way they are supposed to, but we don't have to be knee-deep in situations in order for that to happen.  If we're really looking for it, much of the surety comes on the fringes - before we fully invest - and things occur while we're fleshing out a situation that eventually make us confident in taking next steps or tell us to run.  There is still no guarantee, if you move forward, that it's going to go the way you want, but you'll at least be walking into a much more predictable situation because you at least know where YOU stand.  That's half the battle - the half we often lose.

We all want to be loved and it's hard when the one we think we want that love from won't or can't give it to us.  But don't you want that love to be given freely from someone who wants to give it TO YOU?  There isn't a lot we can do to make someone sure of us and I don't believe we should try.  That person may not even know what it is about us that they can't past, but if they need convincing.... that's your surety.  Move on.  And if you find it difficult to do so, ask yourself why.  330 million people in this country alone and you are hell-bent on the one who doesn't want you.  "But Dig, it's not that he doesn't want me, he just [insert delusion here]."  Girl.  He either wants you or he doesn't, and unsure IS a no BECAUSE you can't move forward under those terms.  "I don't know" is an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want.  I know it's hard - hell, I stuck around in a few situations much longer than I should have because I thought someone just needed time - but that's the thing about growth;  I don't do that anymore.  I won't.  I can't.  But it's just as hard to be caught in the middle of someone else's indecisiveness.  It's all hard.  I prefer the "hard" that puts me in a position to move forward, even if it's by myself.