Sooooooo.....

I turned in my last assignments and finished my last paper. All there is left to do is pass my comprehensive exam the first week of August and I will possess a Masters in Psychology with a concentration in Criminology and Justice Studies. Wow. And to think I did it all on a whim, just because at the time I had nothing better to do. I should have gotten up this morning feeling like I was on top of the world and nothing could stop me but unfortunately, I was completely exhausted. I will attempt this tomorrow though. I will make an attempt to pretend like I have the energy to conquer the world because I should have such energy. One day soon I will actually have the energy. Tonight I am happy that there are no more assignments, no more rushing home on Monday and Thursday nights and no more stressing about whether I had done enough. Next weekend I will return to my adolescence, joining hands and hearts with those I came into adulthood with, celebrating my 20th high school reunion. Damn. 20 years. How quickly the time passes.

My kids' father got out of prison yesterday after four and a half long years. I wish I was here to witness the smiles and laughter that ensued when he rang the bell but its enough to know that it occurred and my children's hopes were renewed. I can only hope that he will make good on his promises to make up for the time lost. I pray for direction for him and success in his new goals and for mine....

Sigh....

Unless you've been under a rock somewhere, you've heard by now that George Zimmerman was found not guilty tonight of the murder/manslaughter/life-taking/whatever of Trayvon Martin. I can't say I am surprised. I mean... we're talking about Florida - the state that quite notoriously has helped steal elections and also acquitted Casey Anthony of the murder of her own daughter. But it isn't even about Florida. Its about America. Land of the free and home of the brave does not apply to all of us and its a sad day when the criminal justice system in any state sends the message that the lives of young black people are worth less than dogs. Remember Michael Vick? Yeah. He did what, 3 years for not himself killing dogs but being an enabler of dog killing? But a man who was told by authorities not to follow someone took it upon himself to not only follow that person but to engage and take his life is free tonight. No, I am not surprised, but it doesn't make me any less disgusted.

My son is 15 years old and he could very well find himself in that same situation on any given day so my heart bled for those parents. But I don't think you even have to be a parent to see what was wrong with this picture. Im not gonna write a new book of the bible, ranting about my disappointment. What I am going to do is ask that you not show your anger through rioting. It wont bring Trayvon back, it wont put Zimmerman in jail, however, it may land YOU there. Rioting is nothing more than an unproductive temper tantrum that does nothing but make us look like we are worthy of the shitty treatment we're given. I'm also going to ask that you continue to pray for the family of Trayvon Martin and while you're at it, pray for the family of George Zimmerman too because I'd be really surprised if he's not dead within 60 days....

P.S. I think I wanna be a lawyer again.

Hey, You!

I know. I suck. But hey, I've been busy.

Between the random dates and school and trying to kick this smoking thing and every damn thing else I've been up to lately, there's really been no shortage of shit to write about but I just haven't had the energy to do it.

I can tell you that none of my recent suitors made the cut, although one was really close until he reverted back into a 12-year old boy when I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean really. I TOLD him when he invited me over that I wasn't going to and he SAID he was alright with that, so color me confused when it turned out he wasn't LOL. And he couldn't just throw a hissy fit right there on the spot like a normal loser, he kept pretending he was okay all through the next day's conversations, short and dry though they were, and didn't decide to not talk to me again until the day after THAT. Nigga SO??? LOL These dudes funny.

I can also tell you Im coming up on my last week of class. After that, I just have to pass my comprehensive exam and your girl will be an official Master of Psychology with a concentration in Criminology and Justice Studies. Yes, ma'am. Planning to stay at my job through the end of the year though - God willing - and then change lanes into something I can use it in. I need a new advisor though; he keeps trying to turn me into a corrections officer. #ifyoudontgetthefuck.....

NO.

I don't wanna be nowhere near nobody's sharpened toothbrushes and toilet bowl moonshine, thank you very much.

It also turns out that there is going to be a 20-year high school reunion weekend next month. My plan is to go but I got a lot going on and none of it's free LOL. So I'll have to take some time to determine if that trip makes fiscal sense. Just got tickets to take my daughter to see Justin Beiber though. I didn't get to see Michael, but at least she'll get to see her version and I will be the world's best mom for at least 2 months LOL

I guess that's it for now, I should probably act like I have kids to feed and, well..... feed them LOL. I'll holla.

Out past curfew

Yo, my nephew is the funniest. I don't even know if HE himself is funny, but some funny shit happens every damn time he comes around LOL.

He was down here with the midgets while I was gone this week (He's 20. Put your phones down LOL). He was taking the bus back upstate tonight and it was his first trip down by himself so I went with him to make sure he got on the bus alright. We get to the bus stop (for the bus into the city) and he's like "Auntie, you mind if I smoke my weed? I need to get right before I take this ride." Dude, you 20 and we outside, what Ima do? LOL So he pulls out this glass capsule looking thing that I guess was some kinda new-fangled pipe or something, had to be about four inches long (never seen anything like it before)... and he gets about 3 pulls off before the bus comes. I get on the bus first and he gets on behind me with his suitcase, which he leaves up front by the bus driver. I sit in the double seats about 4 rows back and he occupies the doubles right across from me. About 30 seconds later, I hear all this banter coming from the large group of folks in the back of the bus. I hear it but I aint really listening until I see my nephew's body shaking in laughter. I realize he is laughing at them so I tune in and hear that they are commenting on the pungent ass smell of weed that I hadn't even noticed until they pointed it out. But I will be DAMNED if that boy didn't smell like a pound of glaucoma rectification LOL. I said goooooot DAYUM! LOL The crew in the back is BUGGIN, and we both cracking up at the jokes too cause he really was about to get the whole damn bus high off a contact. Like LITERALLY. One dude comes up from the back like "dude, I wanna hug you right now. I been looking for the weed man to come through all damn day and his ass aint show up so I swear, if hugging you wouldnt be weird.... but it would be weird..... so I just wanna be close" LOL.....smh

Yo. These people was wilding out. I have no idea where they were coming from, deep like that on a Sunday night (there were probably bout 10 or 12 of em, only 4 dudes) but they was living way out loud tonight, jack LOL. Definitely the most interesting bus ride I have had in my almost 3 years of living out here.

Then we get to the terminal and we go to the Trailways station because even though my nephew already has his ticket, it doesn't say what gate he's supposed to go to. There is only one person working but there is only one person in the line so it was whatever. This older man gets in line behind us and sees me ask my nephew to see his ticket. He's like "Where you going? I can tell you what gate you suppose to be at." We look at each other and then I say "Rochester." Dude goes, "The 10:55? I mean 10:45? Yeah, that's gate 22. They boarding right now. What you wanna do is go right down this escalator and loop back thissaway. They boarding right now." Me and neph like how the fuck does he know that? WHY the fuck does he know that? LMAO! But sure enough, we go down the escalator and loop around to gate 22 and them muthafuckas was sure enough boarding the bus LOL.

I swear. NYC has some of the most random ass people in the world and all it takes is for you to be out past your curfew to experience some shit that'll make your day LOL. Im ready for life now LOL.....

Guess Who's Back?

The spot is on the mirror, not my suit LOL.....

So I just got back from Denver about 1am last night. Beautiful scenery; too bad all I got to see of it was during the ride to and from the airport. The mountains are BEAUTIFUL. The most beautiful I have ever seen, even from a distance. It was a dry 93 degrees when I got there and you could still see snow caps on the highest ones from afar. My shotty video wouldnt upload as a video (sorry)but it really was breathtaking…. Just not as much as the panic attack I had on the plane ride out there. We experienced the type of turbulence that falls just short of a class action suit but definitely makes one contemplate her mortality. My chest had been tight since I sat down – in the last fucken row of the plane – and when all the “shaken not stirred” began, it just got worse. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe and despite my efforts to calm myself, the tears could not be controlled. Just my luck, just at the worst of it the flight attendants received the order to return to their jump seats. Great. Now I cant even get any assistance. Luckily I was sitting with an old couple that comforted and took care of me until it all passed. They gave me one of the 800 bottles of water they came prepared with and rubbed my back until I came down from the ledge. I spent the next hour watching them sleep hand in hand and all I could think was how much I want to be them when Im their age. God bless em.

The hotel was 4-starrish but beneath par in comparison to my last summit experience at The Island in Newport Beach, California. The organizational skills of the hotel (and my event coordinator) were even farther beneath par. The hotel double-booked a couple of conferences leaving us at least 4 rooms short for the executives we had coming. Of course that meant some of the staff had to triple and quadruple up to free rooms for them and yours truly was one of the casualties. I was not a happy camper. Me and my original roommate did get our room back the second night though, but the bad taste had already been left; an appropriate phrase since the food there was highly unimpressive.

I managed to get out of there last night early enough to attempt an earlier flight but apparently both earlier flights were delayed past my own flight’s departure. Not a big deal; I like airports. It’s the best place on earth to people-watch. Too bad my phone was dead when the most interesting subjects were passing by. I would have loved to get some photos because no one would ever believe me without them LOL. But I had enough time to have the most God-awful chicken tenders I’ve ever had in my life and consume enough alcohol to guarantee I’d sleep at least part of the flight. Unfortunately the worst turbulence occurred early and I was wide awake for it, with the help of the worst animated flick United could have ever chosen to air on flight. I don’t even remember what it was called but I need to write a sternly worded letter to Pixar; note to self.

There were moments though. There were conversations with executives making more money than I could ever hope to see in my lifetime that set my sights on so much more than I could ever imagine. There were moments sitting outside the hotel golf course with a moon so orange it looked like a CG effect and out in back with green for acres and a breeze crafted by God himself. Aggravation and shortcomings aside, there was beauty to be found, as there always is, if you’re looking.

I canceled my Fourth of July trip upstate to focus on more priority things; one to DC sometime next month to check on a friend that hasn’t been doing so well and another to Charlotte Labor Day weekend to witness the nuptials of a longtime friend who never thought she would see the day. I contemplated whether or not I would go for a while but then I realized that this was, for her, a moment; one that I needed to be a part of. ..a moment that signified change beyond expectation, which I have become all too familiar with on both the good and bad ends. Change is still on the horizon for me and every day I wake up and squint in the glare of the unwelcome sun in my early morning face I feel it nearing. It has yet to make itself known but it’s coming, so I wait – coffee in hand and song in heart. No idea where it came from or why the sensation is so strong, but for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I am in a happy place. What woman in their right mind questions that?

Hey now!

Dang, its been a month since my last post??? My bad. Hadnt realized. Honestly, its not that nothing has been going on, its more like... so much has been going on that I havent really been able to organize my thoughts. My mom had her 60th birthday, which also brought forth a reunion with my sister who I hadnt seen in about 5 or 6 years, then my mom completed her Associate's degree after 35 years of taking a class when she could, had a rough spurt at work, my teenage son lost his mind and then my cousin died. All that along with dealing with these lame ass dudes trying to stress me out (I aint having it) and it really just aint been conducive to writing. Most of those things have worked themselves out, or are starting to, but I think it was a conversation I had with someone tonight that sort of cleared the muck for me to be able to come back in here. I wont bore you with the details, but lets just say things are back in perspective.

I start my last class on Tuesday. I will officially have completed my Masters studies on July 22nd. After the comprehensive exam, I will be able to officially say Im done and start making moves to work where I wanna be, for the money I deserve. Thank you, Jesus.

Got some prospects on the dating front but really not sure Im even looking for a relationship at this point. Its.... well.... summer LOL. And I've slipped right back into pimp mode (how I do) and Im comfortable with that. Somebody will have to be pretty amazing to change that right now. So expect some rather colorful stories to come across your screen over the next couple of months. Just a heads up LOL.

Right now Im gearing up for some travel - Denver in a couple of weeks, for work, and a wedding in Charlotte this Labor Day weekend. Planning an actual vacation somewhere in between but havent decided where yet. I will be going somewhere though. Probably a shitload of stories on deck for that week also.

All in all, things are good. A hiccup here and there, but you know... I stay swinging. Yall hang in there and I will try to do better keeping up with this blog. I was up at 4a.m. again this weekend so I know some shit is on the horizon. Stay tuned...

Healing hearts

Fresh off this morning’s couch session, my thoughts….

A broken heart isn’t so different than any other wound. When it’s fresh, it’s often painful to the touch and visible to the naked eye. When it heals, it becomes less so; no longer hurting and much less visible, sometimes as if it never existed. How long it takes to get from one point to another can be long or short, depending on how you nurse it in the between time. True of most injuries, it itches when it begins to heal, but while scratching it may provide temporary relief, it can often cause more damage. The same is true of a broken heart (i.e., impulse drives you to place one more call… but it goes unanswered… and now that scab has been compromised and the healing process must begin again). Scabs form to protect the wound while it heals – its best to leave them in place until such time that they fall off on their own. The same is true of the anger, numbness, and all those other feelings that often creep in as you struggle toward normalcy. Let them run their course. They will eventually fall away too, and just as healed wounds grow into new skin, a healed heart can love again.

#livingproof