Feeling Like The Black Swan

I was up til 6am writing.

6am!!!!!

Its official. Im possessed.

I wasnt just writing it.... I was there. After a while, the story was writing itself. Then at 6am, whatever it was...... was just gone.

But I wrote so many pages, I cant even wrap my mind around it. Its almost done already, no bullshit.

And the fucked up part is, this book is the prequel to the first book I wrote, but the first one has to be released first. In my mind, it couldnt work any other way, but the first one - although, technically, a finished work - needs to be redone, in parts, changed, in parts, and completely rerouted, in parts, and I really should stop the work on this one to do that but I cant.

I just cant....

Last Call

So Im blogging [blatantly lol] from the Bloomberg offices, for what will be the last time. I stopped in to chop it up with a couple of people and take advantage of the free snacks and drink machines in the pantry, before my badge stops working and I officially cant get in the building anymore LOL.

The original plan was to bring all my hardware with me so I could turn it in, but I didnt want to bring all that to the meeting I had prior to coming here, and I didnt leave in enough time to be coming here first. Therefore, ole Mikey will have to wait til Monday to get his shit. Lucky for him, I have an appointment in the neighborhood LOL.

Im just playing, Mikey dont even play that. I can mess around and try to keep his shit if I want to, the federales will be at my door AND I wont get my last check LOL. So let me be clear, Mike, THESE JUST JOKES! LOL

I was a little salty that my admin, who works out of DC, is in the NY office today and sitting at my desk. It kinda took away from my ability to obtain total closure, but its all good.

I said I would sit here long enough to eat my sandwich and do a blog and then I'd be out. My sandwich is gone, this blog is complete, and as long as my rep doesnt turn around and catch me sneaking out, I think I can make it to the elevator with dry eyes.

*looks around*

*sigh*

*hits the lights*

Good Morning

I still aint got no job, but I wrote the first eight pages of my new book last night, and I woke up feeling good as hell. A little tired, cause I literally wrote myself to sleep, but my mind is racing and Im ready to do it all over again....only this time, I only get a couple of hours before I have to get dressed and go into the city for the first time all week.

Im meeting with a staffing agency this afternoon that one of my homies put me on to, and Monday I have an interview for a staffing position with another company. That's positive. I've been speaking with a lady from a third place for the last couple of weeks, and now I am just waiting for her to let me know where I stand in the mix of suitable candidates to move on to the actual interviewing phase of the process.

So things are moving, if ever so slowly, and hopefully something kicks very soon.

Sidebar: How bout somebody replied to my "Letter to My Best Friend" post, thanking me for the words, and including a link to, what I'm assuming, was a response? One, I dont even know no "Chandra", so even though my letter was vague and to more than one person, I shole wasnt talking to her LOL. That being the case, I didnt click the link, for fear of it being a virus, so Chandra if you're out there..... um......

Yeah, just "um" LOL. That's it.

Bitchassness

You know what I just love [read: hate with a passion]? When a dude asks "So how's your boyfriend?" and then gets mad when I say "Still my boyfriend." I'm saying, it would be one thing if you were just hearing that I had one and was curious, or even if you had known, but never inquired, but you ask me that every single time you talk to me, like you're just waiting for me to say something different than I said last time. Bottom line, if he wasnt still great and doing divine by me, he wouldn't still be my boyfriend. It's quite simple.

Now, Im not talking about every guy that asks, because, I occasionally engage with one or two of them in general relationship conversation, so we tend to SWAP inquiries, relative to that. Im talking bout the "sideline since 97," jersey was too small a LONG time ago ass niggas. Why am I even still on your radar?

And I dont even know why these cats care, except to hate. Most of them are either married or involved themselves. If I wasnt with him, I still wouldnt be with you, so stop waiting for me make your day with some kinda story about how he fucked me over or lied or did some other shit that made me or has me on the verge of breaking up with him. Yall should probably worry more about your wives and girlfriends and what she's off doing, that even allows you the time and freedom to be sitting here, all up in my business. Go inquire on that!

That's why I dont even like to get on the chat on Facebook. Its always the same shit. "Who is he?" "I know him?" "Where you meet him at?" Mind your muthafuckin business, how bout that? LOL Nothing I tell you is gonna give you any kinda insight as to the nigga you not, and until you get a handle on that, you will always be that nosy, hatin' ass nigga, hitting bitches up on Facebook who dont want you.

And one dude guilty of this is somebody Im real cool with. I mean, I consider him a friend. But friend or no friend, that's some bitch ass shit, Im sorry. I dont talk to him every day, but even every couple of weeks, why you keep feeling a need to ask me whats up with my man? You my boy - if something had happened, you'd know. So WTF is that shit about? I know what its about, but COME ON SON, what is that about? LOL

#icant

Now or Never

First things first: R.I.P. Amy Winehouse, who was found dead at her London home yesterday, of unclear circumstances. I think we all know what they will determine to have been the cause, but even more unfortunate is the fact that she's more widely known for her addiction and wreckless behavior than for her talent. Instantly, in death, she was flung into infamy, lumped together with a group of other tragic artists who left us at the tender age of 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and, of course, Janis Joplin. Facebook was flooded with jokes - "well they did try to make her go to rehab, and she said 'no, no, no'" - which could only be deemed funny by immature minds, unaware of the loss we've actually suffered..... not just that of a musical innovator, but any sense of our own tragic selves. That is truly a shame.

Outside of that, IDK. I find myself at a loss for words today, which is not a place I frequent. I'm not sure how I'm feeling - kind of optimistic, kind of nervous, kind of in a bubble, like I disappeared and nobody even has any idea that I'm gone. I feel like I have so much to do - so much that I want to do - but have no idea where to start, or if I even have enough time before the money runs out and the bills come due, forcing my hand. It's not really fear though. It's more like..... IDK. I cant explain it.

I decided to hold off on that "dont email me here anymore" email until tomorrow. I figured I would buy myself a little more time to prepare for my mama's inevitable "come back" lecture. I'm sure it's partially the reason I feel like I feel today - I feel a degree of vulnerability associated with disclosing my predicament, but doing so would mean fielding all questions and concerns at once, rather than over an extended period of time, with people learning of it gradually. I'd rather get it over with and deal with it, so I can move on.

One thing holds true: its so much easier to find a job when you already have one. Not only do they somehow pop up out of nowhere, but employers seem to pursue you differently when you are already employed. They hit you with their best offers from the door. When you arent working, it's like they purposely lowball you, thinking you'll jump at just anything, out of desperation. They must not know, I'm not desperate yet, and athough I believe God has a plan for me to be here, I've already ceded to the notion of returning upstate if things dont work out. With everything I've learned here, I'll go back and turn that muthafucka out before I struggle again. For the last couple of days, I've been thinking that might not be such a bad idea. After all, I've already seen that I could step out on faith and make a whole new life for myself and the midgets. I know that's not where I'm supposed to be. If I went back, it would only be a matter of time before I was off to somewhere else.

I feel like tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. God and I are gonna have a chat, and then my laptop is gonna be on fire, and my resume is gonna leave skid marks all over the web. Time to go hard..... or go home.

Update

So its been a productive week, thus far.

I managed to wrangle up an interview with another group within my company. Its a technical position - seemingly more technical than my previous experience has exposed me to - but I'm not going in already defeated. Whether or not they feel my qualifications match what they are looking for, I will walk into that interview as if I am as deservant as any other applicant they are considering, and I will walk out the same way.

I have been contacted with two external opportunities as well. Both are outside sales positions, but only one comes with a base salary, so I'd say they have a leg up, but I am willing to at least hear the other lady out when we speak tomorrow. The earning potential is tremendous, but Im not sure I want something paid solely on a monthly commission. I'll have to hear all the details before I even consider it. The other opportunity sounds cool though. Thats what makes me nervous. It cant be as easy as it seems, but I'd make my own schedule, work from home, and at least make enough to pay the bills. I'm scheduled to speak with that woman this afternoon and I'll weigh things out after I have all the information. Who knows, maybe I could do both, since the setups are similar.

I also got my hands on the book material I had left upstate. My girl found it amongst my things in her attic and scanned and sent it to me. I was so excited about it, I read through all of it in one day. Most of the stories were started back around 2003, judging from some of the references I made at the time. Part of what I'd like to do is bring them into present day, but I must admit - even though the stories are fictitious, at least one of them began loosely based on my life. People who know me personally would see the parallels, but the story ventures off into my own imagination very quickly. I hadnt read over that story in years. I enjoyed it, but I saw where I could beef it up in places and expound a little on at least one of the plots, so I've made note to do so. Two of the other stories that were never finished are promising too. The last one I read had me immediately thinking of what should happen next. I cant wait to get started.

So thats the skinny. Still plugging away at my job hunt, but making progress, and finally getting around to the writing that this blog was originally supposed to encourage. At least Im headed in the right direction.

Well Damn LOL

So I got my notice last week about the impending end of my contract, but clearly, I didnt fully grasp the concept LOL. What was not clearly emphasized in any of the conversations that were had was that they are still gonna pay me through the end of the month, but my services are no longer required NOW LOL.

Nothing is being sent for me to do, which is understandable. If I were disgruntled, I could fuck some shit up on purpose. But damn, emails telling me that I dont need to dial in to the team meeting? LOL I mean, I aint mad about it, cause I can always think of a better use of my 30-45 minutes every week, but is it like that? LOL No wonder my boss was so nonchalant about me telling him I wasnt gonna come in every day cause I had to look for work. He probably wanted to say "oh dont worry about it, sweetie, you dont have to bother coming in at all anymore" but thought it would be rude LOL.

Truthfully, now that I "get" it, I probably wont go into the office more than two or three times, and that will only be to a) follow up on this internal lead I have, b) to have a chat with the rep I worked most closely with, who was on vacation last week and will hear about these changes on the call today for the first time, and c) so I can try to salvage whatever personal information is on my computer. We are definitely not talking about full days. For what? Aint like I got shit to do LOL.

*smh*