2/3/13

Just what I needed in my life - a billion Beyonces....smh. Whatever. I aint gonna hate. She put on a really good show. I think she coulda gave Michelle and Kelly like 15 more seconds, if she was gonna bring them on at all, but again, I digress. By the way, I think its fair to say real men prefer Kelly. Just an observation LOL. But good job, Bey. You used up all the damn power and left the second half of the game running on a backup generator, but still. Good job LOL.

I didnt really come in here to talk about that though.

My mama has been through some traumatic things in her life and her response to those experiences is to overcompensate. She tries to ensure that her family does not have to go through the things she did, even if her methods or motivation might not be right. She is always trying to help even when it means not realizing a person does not want her help. One of my sisters.... without knowing all the details, I can say that she has had experiences closest to those of my mother's, but her response has been the complete opposite. She detaches from situations. Today they found themselves in the same place, reacting differently, and such is my life, I got a phone call.

Listen.... dont believe the bullshit you hear about this person in this situation growing up to be like "this". The truth of the matter is that everybody is different and will respond differently to specific stimuli. My sisters and I grew up in the very same household, with the very same mother and ended up living three completely different lives. We were subjected to the same rules, the same upbringing, but we viewed, handled and approached life.... adversity.... differently. At the risk of sounding..... IDK, arrogant (?)... I dont think anybody would argue if I said I turned out the best of the bunch. That being said, being the youngest, I also had the luxury of observation - seeing where they went wrong and learning what not to do. Somewhere along the line I also tapped into those social sciences that taught me how to deal with people and to SEE myself for who and what I was, and accept myself in all my imperfection. With that comes acceptance of everybody else in their imperfection. Its allowed me to live harmoniously with most. Unfortunately, not everybody has developed the ability to do that. Not everybody even wants to.

Thats the conversation I had with my mother today. When its all said and done, you cant make somebody react to something the way you would because they are not you. And you cant make everything they do (or dont do) be ABOUT you. Sometimes the way a person handles a situation is the only way they know how to be okay and if its what they need to do to be okay, then you should let them do what they need to do. Respect people's differences and respect their damn boundaries. They aint gotta talk to you because you wanna talk. They are not living for you any more than you are living for them. Respect their need for time and space. When you are family.... or you have a genuine bond in whatever relationship you have.... all you really need to do is let them know that you are there for them if and when tney need you and come through if and when they call. Thats it. Maybe its me but it seems like so simple a thing.

Anyway, Im glad she felt she could call to talk to me about it because it speaks to the progress we have made in our own relationship, but I cant help also feeling like that night on suicide watch... like the one night I cant find the right words to say....... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Invisible fences

So my mom saw my post about my Louboutin's and it spawned a whole conversation about life. I accredit some of it to a book a friend of mine published recently, called "The Come Up" (by Tracy Williams). By the way, I suggest everyone pick it up, especially if you have children.

Anyway, my copy is on its way to me, but I had the luxury of previewing a little of it online and it was about how black people are traditionally raised behind an invisible fence - you know, the electronic contraption made to keep your dogs from leaving the yard. To summarize, he said that certain of life's experiences, as an African American youth, are framed by our parents much like an invisible fence. We are taught that we arent designed for certain experiences... places... things. For instance, we cant question authority - the police - because it just makes us more of a target. But I offer that this invisible fence extends much farther than that. We have to eat every morsel of food on our plates because we dont have money to waste food and there are starving children in Africa wishing they had it. Red bottoms are for runways. Boys are mean and push you down in the sandbox because they like you.

The truth of the matter is, most plates have too much food on it, if you have the money you should buy it because tomorrow is not promised, and dudes who treat you like ahit are just assholes.

We raise our children in this way as a means of protecting them from the ugly truths in the world we live in, but the ugliest truth is that one day our children will leave home and have to fend for themselves and we are sending them out in wheelchairs, crippled by the cant's and shouldnt's we've instilled in them. Life doesnt come from fear and caution. Life comes from heart and determination to be. To BE.

My mama nearly cried today when I told her how much those shoes cost, but it was just because she was proud that I got to own a pair when she has never had the privilege of doing any better than Liz Claiborne - her words. She was proud that I kicked that invisible fence in the face and threw a middle finger to the culture that taught us those luxuries are not ours to have. Its not very different from having my name on an AMEX when I never thought I would live to see the day. Hell, its not very different from having a black president when I never thought I would live to see the day.

Today I shared some things with my mother to help her live better and while I am not generally a proponent of spending a G on a pair of shoes, if doing so will give you the motivation to topple every other wall of every other box that has been built around you, then dammit, do it. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel powerful and in control of your life because you are powerful and in control of your life. Stop telling yourself what you cant do or cant have. You only cant do or have because YOU believe you cant. When you shatter the limits you impose on yourself, nobody else can impose them on you. Its one of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last 3 years of my life and my mother is just getting a glimpse of it at 60.

How much of YOUR life is going to be spent behind an invisible fence?

Decisions, decisions....

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my first pair of Louboutins.... It took a lot of convincing, but fuck it, I deserved them. I dont wanna talk about the price - let's just say these muthafuckas cost more than my last car and Im still talking myself out of returning them tomorrow LOL - but I never thought I'd own a legit pair, so Im having kind of a moment.... even if it ends up being a 24-hr moment LOL. Dammit man!

Decisions, decisions.... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Weirdness

So remember the dream I had last week - the job being cult-like and me making out with the chick?

Chick quit today.

#weirdness

Small things

I went to the liquor store to buy cranberry juice (yes, cranberry juice - I bought the Bacardi yesterday LOL). Last time I was in there, his son charged me $4.50 for it. I know the owner gives it to me for $3.99 but I didnt say anything, I just paid it. Today both of them were there and the owner rang it up. I tapped the son on the shoulder and pointed at the register. He looks at his dad and goes "$3.99?" Dad goes (in his heavy Iranian accent) "Only for she! Everybody else, $4.49, but for she only, $3.99, you hear me say that." LMAO! [Sorry, but thats how he said it]

Gotta admit, it made me smile. A small thing but hey, all life is, really, is a buncha small things.

And I made my mama cry today. For once they were happy tears. What I did, to me, was just another small thing, but to "she" (LOL) it was a big deal. I was happy to be her blessing and the feeling it gave me was mine.

Never underestimate the impact a small thing can have on a person. You never know whose day you could be making.

These Dreams

These fucken dreams are getting out of control!

Last night I dreamed my job made us all go on this weekend retreat and it turned out to be some kinda sex, drugs and alcohol “flower power” love fest orgy shit. It was like a cult – everybody was drinking (like they always are LOL) but this time also “rolling” (on E, for the squares LOL) and people just started fuckin all over the place. I didn’t want to do the E, so they slipped it in my drink and before the night was over, I was making out with this white girl that sit behind me at the office LOL. There was some other random cult shit but that was the part that made me be like DA HELL????

And this morning, I get to work and start pluggin all my shit in, and don’t this same white girl I made out with in the dream come peak her head around my shoulder asking, “You got another spoon for me today, hun? I promise I’ll go steal some later.” LMAOOOO! Take the damn spoon, girl. Here, take a knife and fork too LOL


WTF ??? LOL I do think my job is a cult though. There are so many aspects of it that make me feel like I'm part of some secret society where everybody has to have the same line of thinking and deviation is not encouraged or appreciated. I’ve even seen people fired, seemingly because they went against the grain, so to speak. No shock at all why I dreamed a cult environment but damn LOL. Maybe it was trying to tell me not to get sucked in. Do what I have to do to be successful for as long as I'm here but not to forget who I am. I’ve actually had conscious thoughts along those lines recently, so that would make perfect sense. But why it gotta culminate into a dream like THAT?

Maybe Jesus aint too big on fortune cookies. *shrugs*

MLK/Inauguration Day

I feel so blessed to live in a time where a (still) broken and polarized country could see fit to elect a black man as President of the United States. Its even more filling to see that they've brought that man back for a second term and that he's being inaugurated on the day in which we celebrate Martin Luther King. The honor it must be to be the vessel by which we all bring actualization to so much of what MLK and so many others fought and died for. The legacy has come full circle.

I liked the clarity and focus in Obama's speech, despite commentary from those who for some reason were looking for "more". For some, he will never be able to do enough. Nothing anybody can do about that. I'd assert that you didnt re-elect the man to hear speeches. You put him back in the white house to DO shit. Maybe you need to get your mind right. Im just saying.

That being said....

*puts on ratchet hat*

Beyonce. Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl LOL.

You know you was lip synching. The end of the song is debatable, but at least in the beginning. Im hip to that whole "hold the mic close to block your lips" thing, you aint fool nobody. Thats why you took the ear piece out, you wasnt quite "N-Sync" (no Justin Timberlake LOL). And Im sorry, I was not impressed. I thought you would come out and straight SLAY the song, and some people think you did, but sweetie.... No. You didnt. For future reference, dont take liberties with the national anthem. It only takes away from the feeling behind the words. And some fool tweeting that your rendition has replaced Whitney's as the best anthem ever? GTFOHWTBS!!! Not even close. Lastly, I gotta know - why cant you just one time be part of the supporting cast? What was that whole glaze-over-the-crowd eye thing you were doing? This shit aint about you. I like you, Bey. I do. But sometimes you really make me wanna put a ring on it - your eye that is LOL. Simmer down.

*rme*

Ok, Im done.