You know what really annoys me? When people know they want to do something - or DONT want to do something - and instead of just saying so, they go through the motions with people. For what? Stop playing games wit yaself.
- You really not fkn wit her no more. So stop fkn wit her.
- He ____________ [<-- insert random bullshit here], but you know you gonna fk him anyway as soon as you think nobody's looking, so stop talkin my head off and go buy some condoms.
- Just because I invited you doesnt mean you have to come. Do us both a favor and dont - that's less frontin for you and more Corona for me.
WTF is wrong with some of yall?
At a certain point in life, its not even about right and wrong anymore. We've all done enough of both to last us through reincarnation. By the time we hit 30, we should be comfortable enough with their own preferences to be able to tell somebody no, or tell somebody yes, or stop fkn talkin to somebody they never really liked in the first place, or just stopped liking yesterday LOL. Or (and listen closely to this one, folks) when somebody asks you something that is none of their business, tell them MF's it's none of their business. Dont go into some ole vague, half-assed answer [read: LIE!] that's just gon make you look shady anyway. I cant STAND that shit! If you dont want to tell somebody something, then DONT FKN TELL EM! People ain't entitled to know your business, I don't care how good of friends you are.
Whatever it is that you feel you wanna do - or not do - go with that. You dont owe nobody an explanation as to why you - a grown ass person - made a decision for YOUR life. Stay your ass home, you aint hurting MY feelings LOL. Shit.
*sigh*
[/rant]
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
My Mother's Child
They say that the sins of the father are revisited on the son. I believe that to be true.
I did some thinking the other day, in light of having the house to myself, with nothing to do but laundry and Lifetime, and I came to the conclusion that I am a good parent, but for all the wrong reasons.
I love my mother, but I resent her at the same time. I am not plagued with the vile hatred one thinks of when the word resentment is typically used, but I have the type of resentment that derives from being placed on a pedestal, then ripped down from it, all in the same breath. The type of resentment that comes out of having so many expectations placed on you, so many responsibilities thrown in your lap, only to be insulted with the doubt that I can fulfill them to any level of efficiency. The type of resentment you find when being the family Golden Child amounts to nothing more than never being good enough.
I hate my father - I admit it - but the fact of the matter is, I never really knew him and I have no desire to. In my mind, he’s been dead since 1999 when …. Well…. Just 1999.
Now as I type this, I realize that I am the parent that I am, yes, because I want for my children to have all the things that I wasn’t afforded, including an actual parent-child RELATIONSHIP not predicated on some desire to be lauded by people who don’t matter, for some smokescreen of achievements they delude themselves into thinking they had anything to do with, but also because there are things I endured at the hands of my parents that I have never been able to fully forgive them for. I tell myself I have, but deep down, there is still something there. I see that I do what I do for and with my children because I am afraid that if I fail them, they might never forgive me.
I grew up in a single parent home, at times on the taxes of millions, never knowing there was anything else until it was too late to make me insecure. I guess I should be thankful for that. Then at a relatively young age, by the standards I knew at the time, I settled down, had a couple of kids, and set out on my way to what society says is the “right” way to raise a family - two incomes, two cars, a mortgage and a ring. Thirteen years and 3 vehicle repos later, I am still my mother‘s child.
I’ve avoided the system, but not the sins, and there is no absolution. Everything I have ever done, everything I will do from this day on will always lead me back to the same result - I am my mother’s child.
I sometimes sit and wonder about my sisters - how they feel about their place in the world and if they …like the neighborhood. I wonder if they feel the pressure I always have to be something else. Not even better, just something ELSE. Then I think about that mindset and wonder if it’s a futile effort, because try as I may, succeed as I will, on the inside, I might never be anything more than my mother’s child.
But without my mother, I wouldn’t even be here. And maybe one day, twenty years from now, my kids will be writing a blog, reflecting on their lives, and appreciating - even if they don’t quite understand - all the things their mother did for them, even if her reasons were wrong.
I am my mother’s child. But maybe - just maybe - that’s enough.
I did some thinking the other day, in light of having the house to myself, with nothing to do but laundry and Lifetime, and I came to the conclusion that I am a good parent, but for all the wrong reasons.
I love my mother, but I resent her at the same time. I am not plagued with the vile hatred one thinks of when the word resentment is typically used, but I have the type of resentment that derives from being placed on a pedestal, then ripped down from it, all in the same breath. The type of resentment that comes out of having so many expectations placed on you, so many responsibilities thrown in your lap, only to be insulted with the doubt that I can fulfill them to any level of efficiency. The type of resentment you find when being the family Golden Child amounts to nothing more than never being good enough.
I hate my father - I admit it - but the fact of the matter is, I never really knew him and I have no desire to. In my mind, he’s been dead since 1999 when …. Well…. Just 1999.
Now as I type this, I realize that I am the parent that I am, yes, because I want for my children to have all the things that I wasn’t afforded, including an actual parent-child RELATIONSHIP not predicated on some desire to be lauded by people who don’t matter, for some smokescreen of achievements they delude themselves into thinking they had anything to do with, but also because there are things I endured at the hands of my parents that I have never been able to fully forgive them for. I tell myself I have, but deep down, there is still something there. I see that I do what I do for and with my children because I am afraid that if I fail them, they might never forgive me.
I grew up in a single parent home, at times on the taxes of millions, never knowing there was anything else until it was too late to make me insecure. I guess I should be thankful for that. Then at a relatively young age, by the standards I knew at the time, I settled down, had a couple of kids, and set out on my way to what society says is the “right” way to raise a family - two incomes, two cars, a mortgage and a ring. Thirteen years and 3 vehicle repos later, I am still my mother‘s child.
I’ve avoided the system, but not the sins, and there is no absolution. Everything I have ever done, everything I will do from this day on will always lead me back to the same result - I am my mother’s child.
I sometimes sit and wonder about my sisters - how they feel about their place in the world and if they …like the neighborhood. I wonder if they feel the pressure I always have to be something else. Not even better, just something ELSE. Then I think about that mindset and wonder if it’s a futile effort, because try as I may, succeed as I will, on the inside, I might never be anything more than my mother’s child.
But without my mother, I wouldn’t even be here. And maybe one day, twenty years from now, my kids will be writing a blog, reflecting on their lives, and appreciating - even if they don’t quite understand - all the things their mother did for them, even if her reasons were wrong.
I am my mother’s child. But maybe - just maybe - that’s enough.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
You Be The Judge
For anyone who cares... they say this is Nicki Minaj before the Barbie makeover, and the root of the beef between her and Remy Ma. This vid was done by Cliffy Barz, back in 2007, the "underground king" known for blowin spots.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
B Movie Saturday
So I spent my whole day today watching black B movies. It's one of my favorite pastimes when I have a quiet, lazy day at home, and when its 12 degrees outside, let me tell you, Netflix is a girl's best friend.
So I'm watching movies and there were two that stood out to me. One is called "30 Years to Life" and is about a group of friends, all going through the "I'm about to turn 30" phase I wrote about yesterday. I've actually seen this movie before but it came up in the "suggested movies" row on Netflix, so I felt like God was telling me to watch it again LOL. If you are dealing with turning 30 and looking for someone to relate to you, it's pretty decent. Stars Tracy Morgan, Paula Jai Parker, and Allen Payne, just to name a few.
I watched this other movie called "Issues" too. It wasn't what I would call a "good movie" LOL but it was alright. Laz Alonso is really the only recognizable main character, but Todd Bridges and Reynaldo Rey also make an appearance. The reason I wanted to mention this flick is because one of the storylines tickled me.
Yall ever developed a "thing" for somebody you normally kinda hate? LOL
Ladies - has there ever been a dude that you found attractive, who at least appears to have all his shyt together, and all things considered, he might just be PERFECT for you...... if he wasn't such a ho? LOL Or asshole or liar?
And fellas - I KNOW you've known a woman who would check every box on the wifey checklist except for the fact that she is just SUCH a bitch! STAY with a funky attitude for no damn reason.
You're fine with it, because he/she might be hella sexy or have a fat ass, but you can't stand em because of that characteristic they display 98% of the time, so usually, you dont even allow yourself to think about that person "in that way".
But then..... ohhhhh then LOL......
THEN you have the misfortune of catching an itty bitty glimpse of something else inside this person, and you're all discombobulated. They say something that's so deep, or do something that is so sweet, or in some other way, shape or form, show you something outside of and sometimes completely opposite their usual M-O and for just a few seconds, that vision of you pushing them down a flight of stairs looks a lot more like you and them in a messy sweat on somebody's couch LOL.
Rochester is a small town, so in an effort to protect the innocent, I'm gonna be brief, but this one guy I know drives me up the damn wall. I don't hate him - we're actually cool - but I just can't fk with him cause this nigga AINT SHYT LOL. He's attractive, smart, soooo funny, has all his shyt together and I'm convinced he'd be a beast in the bedroom.... but everything I know about him tells me he just ain't shyt. Ever known a dude that claims to dig you, but will holla at your girlfriend right in front of you, then wonder why you dont believe he's really into you? The guy that tends to has a girlfriend-type stashed away somewhere that you always find out about through somebody else, or through some random pics SHE posted online? Yeah well, he's THAT guy LOL.
But he's charming, and if you ever find yourself in a conversation with him about something real, he can be sooooo deep. It's the only time you feel like he's really being honest with you, and suddenly you notice his smile and the temperature in the room goes up like 15 degrees LOL. I HATE those moments cause I like to have that force field of he-aint-shit-ness between us so I dont have to deal with almost liking him, but the good part is that I dont talk to him often and I see him even less, so I'm usually safe.
*Sighhhhhhhh*
I have to laugh just thinking about it. If he had any idea I felt this way, I'd be in trouble. He'd do everything in his power to break me, and I get the feeling he'd eventually wear me down, so lets just keep this our little secret LOL.
So I'm watching movies and there were two that stood out to me. One is called "30 Years to Life" and is about a group of friends, all going through the "I'm about to turn 30" phase I wrote about yesterday. I've actually seen this movie before but it came up in the "suggested movies" row on Netflix, so I felt like God was telling me to watch it again LOL. If you are dealing with turning 30 and looking for someone to relate to you, it's pretty decent. Stars Tracy Morgan, Paula Jai Parker, and Allen Payne, just to name a few.
I watched this other movie called "Issues" too. It wasn't what I would call a "good movie" LOL but it was alright. Laz Alonso is really the only recognizable main character, but Todd Bridges and Reynaldo Rey also make an appearance. The reason I wanted to mention this flick is because one of the storylines tickled me.
Yall ever developed a "thing" for somebody you normally kinda hate? LOL
Ladies - has there ever been a dude that you found attractive, who at least appears to have all his shyt together, and all things considered, he might just be PERFECT for you...... if he wasn't such a ho? LOL Or asshole or liar?
And fellas - I KNOW you've known a woman who would check every box on the wifey checklist except for the fact that she is just SUCH a bitch! STAY with a funky attitude for no damn reason.
You're fine with it, because he/she might be hella sexy or have a fat ass, but you can't stand em because of that characteristic they display 98% of the time, so usually, you dont even allow yourself to think about that person "in that way".
But then..... ohhhhh then LOL......
THEN you have the misfortune of catching an itty bitty glimpse of something else inside this person, and you're all discombobulated. They say something that's so deep, or do something that is so sweet, or in some other way, shape or form, show you something outside of and sometimes completely opposite their usual M-O and for just a few seconds, that vision of you pushing them down a flight of stairs looks a lot more like you and them in a messy sweat on somebody's couch LOL.
Rochester is a small town, so in an effort to protect the innocent, I'm gonna be brief, but this one guy I know drives me up the damn wall. I don't hate him - we're actually cool - but I just can't fk with him cause this nigga AINT SHYT LOL. He's attractive, smart, soooo funny, has all his shyt together and I'm convinced he'd be a beast in the bedroom.... but everything I know about him tells me he just ain't shyt. Ever known a dude that claims to dig you, but will holla at your girlfriend right in front of you, then wonder why you dont believe he's really into you? The guy that tends to has a girlfriend-type stashed away somewhere that you always find out about through somebody else, or through some random pics SHE posted online? Yeah well, he's THAT guy LOL.
But he's charming, and if you ever find yourself in a conversation with him about something real, he can be sooooo deep. It's the only time you feel like he's really being honest with you, and suddenly you notice his smile and the temperature in the room goes up like 15 degrees LOL. I HATE those moments cause I like to have that force field of he-aint-shit-ness between us so I dont have to deal with almost liking him, but the good part is that I dont talk to him often and I see him even less, so I'm usually safe.
*Sighhhhhhhh*
I have to laugh just thinking about it. If he had any idea I felt this way, I'd be in trouble. He'd do everything in his power to break me, and I get the feeling he'd eventually wear me down, so lets just keep this our little secret LOL.
Friday, January 1, 2010
I Wanna Testify
I am 34 years old today. I just finished my obligatory near-daily blog post, and I’ve responded individually to everyone who took the time out to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and now I am just chilling on my couch, having a drink and reflecting on my life.
I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and we discussed the way people tend to fall into a little bit of a depression when they are about to turn thirty, thinking about all the things they thought they would have accomplished by that time that they hadn’t. I never had that experience.
When I was 4-years old, I had open heart surgery that no one expected me to fully recover from. In saying that, what I mean is the doctor who had performed my surgery had never done it before and the procedure they employed was a fairly new one, so no one really knew if it would hold. Furthermore, it was thought that even if the surgery was successful, I would likely have to have it again in ten years, and there was no real knowledge of whether or not I’d need it again after that, or if I would be able to lead a normal life, without restriction. To everyone’s wonderment, I made a full recovery and never needed to have the procedure repeated, or have any restrictions placed on my activities. Thirty years later, I am relatively healthy and have even had two children that I would have been advised not to have if my last cardiologist had his way. So you see, in my mind, I’m not even supposed to be here. In my mind, I’ve always been on borrowed time, so each day, let alone year, is just an amazing blessing. Looking ahead was never something I had the luxury of doing. I never knew if my health would hold up so until a few years ago, when I changed to my current cardiologist, even when I tried to, I was unable to see myself as an old woman. Looking ahead to 30 at the age of 18 was something I never did, feeling it might be a moot point, so there was no feeling of shortcoming as that age approached. Still, I understand.
I had my first heartbreak at 14. I lost my virginity at 15. I was 20 the first time I told a man I loved him and 21 when I first realized it wasn’t enough. I had my first child at 22, and my second at 26. I gained my sexual freedom at 30 and at 34, I’m no closer to “figuring it out” than I was at 4. But the one thing I do know is that everything eventually comes full circle. Everything we do is somehow tied to everything we’ve done, and even the moments we would give anything to forget somehow come back and have some future relevance.
I said in my last post that the last good year that stands out to me was 1998. I would be remissed if I didn’t give honorable mention to 2004. I did a lot that year that helped me know what it means to really live, and I learned some very valuable life lessons. I traveled - a LOT LOL - and I met a couple of people who would prove to have a long-lasting effect on my life. I thought about one of them today. 2006 was no slouch either - I met some of the dearest people in my life that year. So with 2010 comes a lot of promise and a lot of expectation, but as much as I expect from it, I have no doubt it will require much of me as well.
What will the year hold for me? Will I have my next great romance? Will my surroundings change? Will my friends? Am I finally going to get and keep my money right? I don’t know. All I know is that change IS on the horizon and it feels positive - very positive. I’m sitting on my couch just feeling blessed beyond measure, for no other reason than I am.
I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mom, and I am blessed to have known what love feels like, even if I had the misfortune of it slipping through my fingers. I am blessed to have such good friends that I know a phony when I see one, and I am blessed to have enough confidence in myself that I can embrace my insecurities as simply the price of being human. I am blessed to be able to make mistakes and learn from them - and then consciously decide to freely make them again. Some are too much fun to make just once LOL. I am blessed to have born witness to enough miracles in my own life to know that there is a loving, forgiving and omnipotent God above who has loved me through all my imperfections and ungodliness, and I am blessed to have confirmation that I have had a positive impact on the lives of so many people, that didn’t require me lying in a casket to get.
Despite the downs I’ve been through… despite all the pain and betrayal and uncertainty… despite all the things that wear so heavily on a woman’s spirit, I AM BLESSED!
And so are you.
I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and we discussed the way people tend to fall into a little bit of a depression when they are about to turn thirty, thinking about all the things they thought they would have accomplished by that time that they hadn’t. I never had that experience.
When I was 4-years old, I had open heart surgery that no one expected me to fully recover from. In saying that, what I mean is the doctor who had performed my surgery had never done it before and the procedure they employed was a fairly new one, so no one really knew if it would hold. Furthermore, it was thought that even if the surgery was successful, I would likely have to have it again in ten years, and there was no real knowledge of whether or not I’d need it again after that, or if I would be able to lead a normal life, without restriction. To everyone’s wonderment, I made a full recovery and never needed to have the procedure repeated, or have any restrictions placed on my activities. Thirty years later, I am relatively healthy and have even had two children that I would have been advised not to have if my last cardiologist had his way. So you see, in my mind, I’m not even supposed to be here. In my mind, I’ve always been on borrowed time, so each day, let alone year, is just an amazing blessing. Looking ahead was never something I had the luxury of doing. I never knew if my health would hold up so until a few years ago, when I changed to my current cardiologist, even when I tried to, I was unable to see myself as an old woman. Looking ahead to 30 at the age of 18 was something I never did, feeling it might be a moot point, so there was no feeling of shortcoming as that age approached. Still, I understand.
I had my first heartbreak at 14. I lost my virginity at 15. I was 20 the first time I told a man I loved him and 21 when I first realized it wasn’t enough. I had my first child at 22, and my second at 26. I gained my sexual freedom at 30 and at 34, I’m no closer to “figuring it out” than I was at 4. But the one thing I do know is that everything eventually comes full circle. Everything we do is somehow tied to everything we’ve done, and even the moments we would give anything to forget somehow come back and have some future relevance.
I said in my last post that the last good year that stands out to me was 1998. I would be remissed if I didn’t give honorable mention to 2004. I did a lot that year that helped me know what it means to really live, and I learned some very valuable life lessons. I traveled - a LOT LOL - and I met a couple of people who would prove to have a long-lasting effect on my life. I thought about one of them today. 2006 was no slouch either - I met some of the dearest people in my life that year. So with 2010 comes a lot of promise and a lot of expectation, but as much as I expect from it, I have no doubt it will require much of me as well.
What will the year hold for me? Will I have my next great romance? Will my surroundings change? Will my friends? Am I finally going to get and keep my money right? I don’t know. All I know is that change IS on the horizon and it feels positive - very positive. I’m sitting on my couch just feeling blessed beyond measure, for no other reason than I am.
I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mom, and I am blessed to have known what love feels like, even if I had the misfortune of it slipping through my fingers. I am blessed to have such good friends that I know a phony when I see one, and I am blessed to have enough confidence in myself that I can embrace my insecurities as simply the price of being human. I am blessed to be able to make mistakes and learn from them - and then consciously decide to freely make them again. Some are too much fun to make just once LOL. I am blessed to have born witness to enough miracles in my own life to know that there is a loving, forgiving and omnipotent God above who has loved me through all my imperfections and ungodliness, and I am blessed to have confirmation that I have had a positive impact on the lives of so many people, that didn’t require me lying in a casket to get.
Despite the downs I’ve been through… despite all the pain and betrayal and uncertainty… despite all the things that wear so heavily on a woman’s spirit, I AM BLESSED!
And so are you.
Happy New Year?
I meant to holla at yall yesterday, but between cleaning up, making store runs, and entertaining company throughout the day, I just wasn't able to get to it. So as I celebrate my birthday today, I want to take the time now to wish you all a happy and prosperous 2010!
By all accounts, having a better year than 2009 won't be that hard. It was a very difficult year for most. Whether it was financial hardship, the loss of loved ones (RIP MJ), job dissatisfaction or the straining of friendships, I think we'll all be glad to leave it behind.
Historically at the completion of a difficult year - which 2009 was for me - I'd look to the newly approaching year for redemption. But I have grown frustrated in those attempts, as, year over year, there has been no redemption to be found. Two days ago, my girlfriend said something to me that led me down a path to a possible explanation as to why that is. While venting to me about some things that have been bothering her, she said something about how her life having been in tumult for the last ten years, and suddenly, a lightbulb went off. What if we dont really start anew every year? What if our lifecycles are measured in decades? Or twelve-year periods, like the Chinese zodiac suggests? Or some other chunk of astrological time? I mean, the world is said to be ruled in "ages" (this being the age of Aquarius) that span about 2,150 years. Our individual life cycles could very well follow a similar pattern.
Now, there is good and bad in every year, but recently, for me, they seem to have been more bad than good. The last year that stands out to me as being a really great one is... 1998. In retrospect, the 90's, in general, were pretty good to me, and things began to shift just before the turn of the century. The new millenium opened my eyes to a world of possibilities, yet I always seemed to fall just short of realizing most of the goals I'd set. That being said, I have made more personal strides in the past 3 months than I have in the last 3 years, so maybe things are on the cusp of shifting again. Maybe the 2000-teens puts me back on the upswing. The Chinese zodiac seems to indicate that 1988 to 2000 dated my previous life cycle and that one was great! 2012 would officially mark the end of the one I'm in now and the actual beginning of my next one, so there might actually be something to this theory. Read up on it. You might be very surprised at how closely it coincides with events from your own life.
Whatever the explanation, I must say that I feel really good about 2010, which is not something I have been able to honestly say in quite a few years. I almost feel as if I have been in a trance for the last 10 years and have finally snapped out of it - and it didnt just start last night, waiting for the ball to drop. I am feeling very optimistic about what lies ahead, whether the outcome is a result of my own planning or that of a higher power. I truly hope you all have the same positive outlook on your futures. So with that, I bid you adieu, and if you haven't committed yourself to any specific changes in the new year, then do something for ME. In 2010, find something to believe in....
By all accounts, having a better year than 2009 won't be that hard. It was a very difficult year for most. Whether it was financial hardship, the loss of loved ones (RIP MJ), job dissatisfaction or the straining of friendships, I think we'll all be glad to leave it behind.
Historically at the completion of a difficult year - which 2009 was for me - I'd look to the newly approaching year for redemption. But I have grown frustrated in those attempts, as, year over year, there has been no redemption to be found. Two days ago, my girlfriend said something to me that led me down a path to a possible explanation as to why that is. While venting to me about some things that have been bothering her, she said something about how her life having been in tumult for the last ten years, and suddenly, a lightbulb went off. What if we dont really start anew every year? What if our lifecycles are measured in decades? Or twelve-year periods, like the Chinese zodiac suggests? Or some other chunk of astrological time? I mean, the world is said to be ruled in "ages" (this being the age of Aquarius) that span about 2,150 years. Our individual life cycles could very well follow a similar pattern.
Now, there is good and bad in every year, but recently, for me, they seem to have been more bad than good. The last year that stands out to me as being a really great one is... 1998. In retrospect, the 90's, in general, were pretty good to me, and things began to shift just before the turn of the century. The new millenium opened my eyes to a world of possibilities, yet I always seemed to fall just short of realizing most of the goals I'd set. That being said, I have made more personal strides in the past 3 months than I have in the last 3 years, so maybe things are on the cusp of shifting again. Maybe the 2000-teens puts me back on the upswing. The Chinese zodiac seems to indicate that 1988 to 2000 dated my previous life cycle and that one was great! 2012 would officially mark the end of the one I'm in now and the actual beginning of my next one, so there might actually be something to this theory. Read up on it. You might be very surprised at how closely it coincides with events from your own life.
Whatever the explanation, I must say that I feel really good about 2010, which is not something I have been able to honestly say in quite a few years. I almost feel as if I have been in a trance for the last 10 years and have finally snapped out of it - and it didnt just start last night, waiting for the ball to drop. I am feeling very optimistic about what lies ahead, whether the outcome is a result of my own planning or that of a higher power. I truly hope you all have the same positive outlook on your futures. So with that, I bid you adieu, and if you haven't committed yourself to any specific changes in the new year, then do something for ME. In 2010, find something to believe in....
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