Karma

This year has been a roller coaster, but boy, has it been enlightening.  I spent a good portion of it exploring ideas and concepts I may have previously balked at or maybe was coming across for the first time, and I'm looking at life and the world very differently because of it.  You wanna know one of the most mind-blowing conclusions I've come to?

Karma isn't real.  

The universe doesn't give a fuck about morality, it only responds to frequency.  Whatever you're emanating, the universe reflects, so as long as you're over there crying in your soup, it's going continue to bring you something to cry about, while the "bad guy" continues to have their way because they walk in the belief of being entitled to it.  Simple (but also 🤯).

This is also the key to living your best life.  Manifestation has become such a buzz word these days and most of what people are suggesting others do to achieve it is straight up bullshit and click bait, but that's a rant for another day.

This epiphany had all my flabbers gasted because I was a whole-hearted believer in people reaping what they sow, but I guess I can chalk that up to just another lie that religion sold me. Years of wondering why someone hadn't yet burst into flames (lol) or telling myself that just because the get back wasn't public, doesn't mean hell isn't being wrought behind closed doors, and just like that, the answer: cuss them the fuck out LOL.  Cuss em out! Cause karma ain't coming to save you.  

You do not reap what you sow, but what goes around, does come back around.  We thought that was a karmic adage but it isn't.  It's the universe's golden rule about matching energy.  What you're REALLY giving underneath all the mantras and affirmations in the mirror is what it's gonna amplify.  If you're a complaining ass bitch, for example, the universe is gonna give you more shit to complain about.  No matter what your mouth says, it's your frequency that the universe responds to.  Your genuine thoughts, feelings and beliefs about yourself determine the frequency you're on, so stop holding on to that hurt that no one is gonna pay for but you and go learn to love yourself.

Don't Lie, Craig

Over the weekend I thought about a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while back where I was explaining to her why I was no longer friends with this guy I used to be really close with.  She's like "Oh, okay, because he threw you under the bus."  I said "No, because he LIED."  What's more, he didn't have to.  The truth woulda gotten him out of the situation he had found himself in, but he went past what was true and just started freestyling like it was gonna get him some extra lives or something.  The sucker shit was that the person he was giving it up to was manipulating him into going too far, I believe for the sole purpose of being able to come back and tell me what was said so that I would stop being friends with him.  And that's exactly what happened.  

Here's the thing: if you ever find yourself under extreme duress and the only thing that's gonna save your life is to break my confidence, do that shit.  Gun to your head, give it up.  Say what I said.  Tell what I did.  I'm not a person who does fucked up shit to people or who says anything behind people's backs that I wouldn't say to their faces, but even on the off chance that I did, I'm going to own it.  I promise I won't be mad about it, but TELL👏🏾THE👏🏾TRUTH.👏🏾

Then the MF didn't even have the balls to tell me he said the shit he said, I had to ask him about it.  Here I am thinking the situation got worked out, an understanding was reached - whatever.  Everybody's moving on.  Y'all, when I got the update, it was so crazy to me that at first I didn't even believe it was true.  I thought I was being manipulated at that point, because I just knew MY FRIEND wouldn't do all that.  But I wound up asking him and much to my surprise, he admitted it.  I tried to see things from his perspective and be understanding of how people don't always do the right thing when their backs are up against the wall.  I forgave him in that moment and respected the fact that he copped to it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he never would have told me had I never asked, and that just didn't sit right with me.  Not to mention, as a Capricorn, I have a very big problem with people doing shit to me that I'd never have done to them.  We don't let everyone in, so all breeches are fucken federal.  

Our regular communication took a hit immediately, but we did carry on the small shit, like birthday and holiday wishes for several more years until one year his birthday rolled around and I was like "fuck him" LOL.  I think that tripped a wire in me, because from that point on, I stopped giving MF's grace who thought they could play with me.  Being understanding is overrated, and honestly, most people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.  The lie is obvious.  The disrespect is blatant.  The craziest part is that all of the people I've cut off since then have been people I NEVER thought I'd be doing life without, but the shit end of the stick?  Them having to do life without me.  💪🏾✌🏾

Relationship Math

A friend of mine made a post that said men need to stop complaining about women being in their masculine energy if they are not creating a safe space for their women to occupy their feminine selves.  As you might expect, it spurned a whole men vs women debate about blame and all the bullshit we all must be sick of hearing by now, simply because people were focused on proving their point rather than understanding - either side.

An interesting observation I've made is that an empathetic and enlightened man could post the same thing and other men who may disagree will simply scroll by, but the second a WOMAN posts it, here they come, guns blazing.  Why are you getting defensive, sir?  No one called your name but here you are, present and accounted for.  Why are you triggered?  No, seriously, I'd really like to know.

While I await the response that isn't coming, let me try to simplify things in the way that seems all the rage these days: math.

1+1=2

BUT

1x1=1

Think of the + as harmony; the give and take, if you will.  Each person bringing things to the table, each considering the other and embracing their differences as building blocks to fortify their union. These people seek to understand each other to better see how their pieces fit and smooth the edges so they begin to fit BETTER.  The "power" or lead is constantly shifting between the two and "the two" or "greater good" is always the focus.

Now think of the x as competition. When there is no harmony or understanding, people begin to jockey for position.  This relationship is ego-driven and tends to breed resentment.  Clashes tend to be about who's right and who's wrong - a winner vs a loser.  The product is always "1" because the individuals are focused on themselves, never trusting the other not to obliterate them if given the chance.

Having been at both tables, I can tell you that who is to blame for women sitting in their masculine energy is irrelevant and it's just a waste of energy to go back and forth about it. The important thing to note is that most women don't WANT to sit in it and would naturally soften for a man that provides true safety and leadership.  It happens so naturally that the woman won't even realize she's doing it, she just will.  If the woman by your side has not made that shift, it's likely because you have not shown yourself to be safe or you haven't built the trust necessary for her to be confident in your leadership.  Now I said "likely" because some women just can't get out of their own way, be it past relationship experiences or other personal trauma that left them with major trust issues.  Bar that particular situation, it's you, bruh, because again, it's not something a woman has to even think about.  She doesn't decide to become softer, she just does.  It's home to [most of] us and after all, isn't that all any of us ever really want, to go home?  But many of us haven't been for a long, long time because in this current dating and relationship climate, we simply can't afford the trip.....

I'M. NOT. GOING.

Funerals used to be LIT.

Wakes, I mean.  

Back in the day - when I was in high school and to some degree, my early twenties -  if somebody who was anybody died, your ass was going to the wake.  You ain't even have to know them real well - if at all.  You only had to know OF them, and the criteria was satisfied.  

Don't get me wrong, the deaths were still shocking and sad.  Even more so, being that they were high school kids or young adults, but make no mistake; this was a bonafide social event: outfits, kicks, the whole shit, cause THE TOWN was coming out.  You were probably gonna see that dude or chick you had been wanting to holla at, them niggas or bitches who had you fucked up, and some folks you'd never seen before but would know from that day on after one of your people put you on.  I definitely left more than one of those services with phone numbers, meetup plans, hell, even a boyfriend one time.  Hey, I ain't proud of it, but it was what it was. CRAZY.

That's just how we did when we were young and needing to be seen.  As we got older, many of us thought better of it.  I say "many" because there are some who still show up like that to this day - one example of the mindset that drove me out of Western NY.  The older I got and the more actual FUNERALS I attended, the less cute that shit became.  Lose enough people close to you and a wake or funeral is the LAST place you ever wanna have to be, to the point that I eventually swore them off.  Part of that decision came as a result of moving 5 hours away from the place where I grew up cause, shit, I ain't making that trip for everybody.  However, the bulk of it was about the drain; I ain't making that trip for nobody.

Now understand, "nobody" doesn't really mean nobody, but it probably means YOU, LOL.  I got about 5 funerals left in me for the rest of my life and I already have a pretty good idea of those I'm going to show up for.  Odds are, you ain't make the list, but no one should take that personally. I just know my bandwidth, so I have to do what's best for me, and being in the mix with a bunch of other people snotting and crying, making shit heavier, is not conducive to my well-being.  It doesn't mean I don't love you to pieces.  It doesn't mean that I am not SHATTERED at your loss. It just means that I'm going to make my peace with it in my own way, in my own time, and from wherever I am. 

My cousin made a social media post yesterday, shouting out his mom and issuing a huge "fuck you" to all the folks who did not show up to her funeral a year and a half ago.  I wasn't there (see above) and I get how he feels, to an extent, but I also feel he's got some growing up to do.  That is all I'm going to say about that situation, because while timely, it's only part of the reason I came in here today.

Four days ago, my father died.  He's being cremated today and a memorial will take place sometime next week, but guess what?  He was not in my 5 and I'M. NOT. GOING. We didn't have a good relationship, but HE WAS MY FATHER.  I don't care what your relationship is like with your parents, it's gonna fuck you up a little bit when they're gone.  Automatic identity crisis.  But if I'm not attending services for the man responsible for my existence..... I mean, if I have to finish that sentence, I really don't know what to tell you. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Digfiles: Episode... I Don't Even Know, Dawg

 

Chile, I thought I was gon die last night.  

I was supposed to meet up with a couple of old work friends I haven't seen since before the pandemic, but one of them bailed at the very last second.  The other, quite frankly, isn't compelling enough on their own to get me out of the house, so that cancellation meant rescheduling for some other time.  

I work from home still, though.  I don't put real clothes on, but because of these plans, I had on a full fit, eyes were lined, lip gloss was poppin.....  oh, somebody gon see me tuh-day!

Simultaneously, I was dealing with a delayed order of my hemp chocolates, which have replaced alcohol as my sleep-aid, when needed.  For reasons unknown, it took extra long for them to even send the order out so I hadn't gotten it when expected.  No problem - I'm hanging out tonight, might have a drink or two; I'll def be able to go to sleep when I get home.  Then it got canceled, so now I'm in a bind because I don't really drink like that at home anymore and if I did, I had a feeling it was gonna go bad.  I had been back and forth on Marco Polo, clowning with my girls for the last hour.  It might as well have been a virtual girls' night.  I talk, sip and pour at girls' night until I've forgotten how much I have talked, sipped and poured.  I'd rather not.

So I was contemplating a trip to the smoke shop I frequent but really didn't feel like walking that far.  I decided to go to Walgreen's to pick up my prescription and potentially stop to grab something for lunch today to save me 3x the charges having it delivered.  I made both stops and headed home, suddenly remembering a new smoke shop had opened up right next to my nail salon.  They didn't have chocolates when they first opened, but it's been a couple of months, so I figured I'd check.

I was in luck!

The one guy who wasn't helping the 6 or so other people in there came to assist me.  At that time, all I could see were gummies, which I'm not a huge fan of, so I asked if that was all they had.  I don't know how I missed the entire cooler with the baked goods in it, but clear as day, there were cookies, brownies, some other shit I wasn't fucking with, and I asked him for chocolates.  He showed me what he had in chocolates - some of those, also weird - and none were what I usually get from the other place.  I chose the most regular-looking chocolate I could find that was also small - my order was coming in today, so I only had to worry about last night.

I see 225mg on the wrapper.  Cool, that sounds just about right - the big square is likely made up of little squares to divvy out the dosage.  "Gimme dat."  He brought the square over along with a lollipop that was also 25mg which he was gonna give me for free.  (I told yall somebody was seeing me tuh-day! LOL)  He rings me up while I go in my purse.  "35."

*crickets*

He can't be talking to me.

"Say what, now?"

He repeats, "35," as if he legitimately thought I hadn't heard him.

*waiting for the rest*  "..........35 what?"

He laughs.  "Dollars."

"For th-- " I stopped myself, suddenly realizing where I was and how many people were around me, but 35 fucken dollars for THIS???  The chocolates I get at the other place that are that size (but in fairness, half the thickness) are like $7.  I pay $35 for the shit I was waiting for in the mail at the other store, and that bar is probably 3x the size (think Hershey bar, but 50% wider).  But I said you know what?  You did this to yourself, Dig.  It was my own fault for saying "gimme dat" without asking how much it was gonna cost.  Don't go out like that.  Begrudgingly, I go to hand him my card.  Oh awesome, it's cash only?  That is...great, LOL.  I didn't have cash but luckily, they also accept cashapp.  Sent him the money and skated my ass up outta there.  Hey, at least I got a free lollipop.

Still on Marco Polo with my girls, bitching about my plans going awry, cracking jokes, and you know I had to tell them this story too, cause someone was gonna share in my appalment at this $35 fucken Reese Cup LOL.  I even crack open a Corona.  I'm risking it all, LOL

I open the chocolate and though I expected it to be sectioned into 4, it was actually sectioned into 9 squares.  I try to break off one, but half of another comes with it.  It's small though, and 1 square's only 25mg, so that should be alright.  After all, my other chocolate is 50mg per square.  So boom....

I eat the square and a half and carry on with my sista-girl business.  

In between messages, I'm watching TV.  At some point, my phone chimes and I turn my head to grab it, and the whole gotdamn room shifted left, 16 degrees LOL.  Whoa.  I go to turn my head back - Ooh.  Ok.  Here we go.

I know I need not move, but something told me if I didn't get up to do whatever I needed to do then, I might not be able to get up later.  So I get up, thinking I'll make sure I had closed the blinds and what not, grab a water, couple cookies (lol).... you know.  Chile, I barely got to the doorway of my bedroom before I thought I was gonna fall over.  I stop and let the hall stop spinning, then slowly make my way to do that stuff, and when I tell you.....  yo.  At one point, my legs went out in the kitchen and I was hanging off the counter by my elbows, trying to pull myself together.  Listen, LOL.  By the time I headed back, I was holding on to the walls.  I get to my bed and the room is milly rocking so it took me a smooth 2 minutes to actually get back ON the bed.  SMH.

I just tried to sit still, watching TV, but I started to feel the high moving through my body the way a tsunami rolls through everything in it's path.  But slow.  Literally - my fingers, the soles of my feet.  It went from my chest all the way down to my hands and feet, then all the way back up to my head.  When it got there, my eyes started doing some shit they ain't supposed to do and I could barely see the TV, let alone what was on it, but hey, this is a full tank.  It's hit everywhere, now we just gotta ride it out.

Wrong again.  I just kept getting higher and higher, like WTF IS HAPPENING???  I can't walk, can't stand, and now I can't even sit up.  All I could do was lay down - SLOWLY, LOL.    

By now, I've missed like 3 video messages and now my phone is ringing.  I reach for the phone, can't lift it, so I slide it to me.  Shit, I don't even think I can talk.  Now, I'm trying to decline the call; it takes 3 tries because I keep missing the button.  Sigh.  With some concentration, I'm able to pick up my phone and go to text my girl the predicament I was in.  I type that I was super high and had to talk to her tomorrow (today).  Why did that take me another 2 minutes because I couldn't control my fingers? Siiiiiiigh.  I didn't even bother trying to put my phone on the charger.  I felt around for the remote, turned the TV off and just gave the fuck up, LOL.

I have never been that high in my life!  And I have never been so afraid that I was gonna die from something that won't kill you.  Cause I'd be the one.  I'd be the one fool to disprove the fucken science and die, LOL.  But I was alright this morning, although quite groggy.  My mind was clear enough though to know I needed to take another look at that chocolate.  It just didn't compute that I would have been that high from what I had, but it turns out the price wasn't all I missed at the smoke shop.  I grab the chocolate and big as day on the spine is 'WARNING: HIGH DOSE EDIBLE." 

*staring into the camera*

I'm not even gonna tell yall what else it said.  See for yourself:

Are you fucken shittin' me? LOL.  I'm not a weed smoker and I just got in the edible game in the last like 6 months.  Why the fuck do I need..... siiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh, LOL

I have ZERO questions about how I got here.  SMH

#ReadTheLabel  #DontBeDig  #WTF

When The Work Works

You never really know if the work you think you're doing on yourself is effective until you get into a situation that tests it.  The universe tried me yesterday and I am happy to report that I passed with flying colors!

I put an offer in yesterday on a house.  The asking price was in the range of other homes in the area, but the house itself was not worth it.  This is evident in the difficulty they've had selling it.  By my count, there were 7 other times this home was listed and on some occasions the listing expired, but on others, they had offers that were withdrawn.  They can now add mine to the list.

It really was a beautiful house if you could see past the horrendous decor of the elderly people who had been in there for the last 30 years.  It did need a lot of updates though - no way could I do any of those bathrooms or that kitchen - so I would have been looking at even more spend on the back end, but I was willing at the right price point.  

So I submitted an offer about $35K lower than asking.  The realtor who had never returned any of my calls, texts, or emails prior finally called me back to say that the owners had turned down all short sales because they're in default on their loan and needed what they asked for in order to cover the debt.  But it's not worth that! I thought.  I told him I'd get back to him.

Now I'm a licensed real estate agent but this was going to be my first contract process.  Being the home I would be buying for my family, it was a pretty bold move to have that be the first, but I was going to do it.  That being said, I didn't have a single point of reference for what to do here, and both my broker and "mentor" are out of office this week, so I called my go-to guy at the firm.  We talked about what I could do short of paying full price, like waiving my portion of the commission which would essentially add that money back into the sale price, but in the end, he gave me the real.  He said he'd pass on the house if it were him and went on to explain why.  Y'all have no idea how much I appreciated his honesty because I had been feeling that was the best thing and just needed confirmation from someone who knows the game better than I do.  I decided to follow that advice and broke it to the midgets, hoping they wouldn't be too upset as they loved the house too.  To my surprise, given all the information, they, too, agreed we should pass.  It was such a relief.

But the real surprise for me was my own comfort level.  In years gone by, I'd have gone ahead with the deal simply because I wanted the house so much and I'd have probably found myself stressed the fuck out and going broke trying to bring the property up to my standards.  Sooo many financial issues I had in the past were a result of my impulsiveness - literally almost all of them - so it's a pretty big deal to me that I didn't fall into that trap this time.  As you get older and hopefully wiser, this should be the case, but we all know we don't always do the things we know we should.  I certainly haven't, but it's so good to know that we actually CAN be and do better once we know better. Keep doing the work - really doing it - and you'll get there!

Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?

I asked someone recently to tell me why the last few relationships or situations they had been in hadn't worked out, without saying it was the other person's fault.  They said, "But it was their fault."  I said, "Overtly, yes, but we always play some role in how things play out, so think about what you could have done differently."  Their answer is unimportant - in fact, I can't even remember what it was at the moment - but I thought that maybe I should ask this question of myself.

MY response took some thought but in the end I realized that there had been a recurring theme:

I had allowed myself to drown in the uncertainty of men who couldn't decide if I was worth saving.

Why were they uncertain?  I will probably never know, but I do know that often times, I, myself, was uncertain.  What I've come to realize also is that women, in general, are much more likely to move forward in their uncertainty, just trusting that things are going to work out however they're supposed to and suffering the consequences when they don't.  The mere possibility of the thing means that much to them.  Most men are very different in that they can't move forward if they are unsure.  The trouble is, most of them don't back away either and as long as it's not a clear "no," women will press on, and they will let us.  But not a "no" is not "yes" and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that the middle of the road is the absolutely worst place to be in these situations.  

I do believe that things tend to work out the way they are supposed to, but we don't have to be knee-deep in situations in order for that to happen.  If we're really looking for it, much of the surety comes on the fringes - before we fully invest - and things occur while we're fleshing out a situation that eventually make us confident in taking next steps or tell us to run.  There is still no guarantee, if you move forward, that it's going to go the way you want, but you'll at least be walking into a much more predictable situation because you at least know where YOU stand.  That's half the battle - the half we often lose.

We all want to be loved and it's hard when the one we think we want that love from won't or can't give it to us.  But don't you want that love to be given freely from someone who wants to give it TO YOU?  There isn't a lot we can do to make someone sure of us and I don't believe we should try.  That person may not even know what it is about us that they can't past, but if they need convincing.... that's your surety.  Move on.  And if you find it difficult to do so, ask yourself why.  330 million people in this country alone and you are hell-bent on the one who doesn't want you.  "But Dig, it's not that he doesn't want me, he just [insert delusion here]."  Girl.  He either wants you or he doesn't, and unsure IS a no BECAUSE you can't move forward under those terms.  "I don't know" is an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want.  I know it's hard - hell, I stuck around in a few situations much longer than I should have because I thought someone just needed time - but that's the thing about growth;  I don't do that anymore.  I won't.  I can't.  But it's just as hard to be caught in the middle of someone else's indecisiveness.  It's all hard.  I prefer the "hard" that puts me in a position to move forward, even if it's by myself.

#FAAFO

Yeah, I know I come in here a lot and apologize for my lengthy absence, but I can't even begin to articulate what the last 4 or 5 months of my life have felt like.  There were really no words and had I been able to find them, they would never have conveyed the true essence of it all.  I'm grateful that I am beginning to feel more clear in my thinking and though I had seriously considered taking this blog down, I was reminded recently that my voice was still needed - as inconsistent as it may sometimes be. "They will wait," he said.  I don't have hundreds of followers here but if just one person feels that way and theirs are the only eyes that read this shit, it's good enough for me.

So let's talk about the slap heard 'round the world.

I'll preface this by saying I am conflicted about last night's events.  There are sooooo many layers to this, I'm not sure I could address them all in one coherent post, but let's just talk about a few of the complexities that lie within.  For anyone who may have slept under a rock and doesn't know what I'm referring to, I'm talking about Will Smith taking to the Oscar stage to smack fire out of Chris Rock for a joke he made about Jada Pinkett-Smith's bald head.  In honesty, the G.I. Jane joke seemed rather innocuous to me and QUITE light given his usual style, but I fully understand how a woman dealing with the effects of alopecia might feel when someone clowns about it.  That being said, I also fully understand how a man who has remained quiet and graceful through storms of media attention and social media ridicule might have hit a breaking point that even he didn't see coming and acted out of character, which seems to be the consensus.  Like nobody thinks Will went to the Oscars planning to smack another grown man in front of all his friends. 

[Sidebar: Yo, Meryl was fully flabbergasted LOL]

The composed adult in me says that there was a much better way to deal with Chris's joke than strutting up on stage at a [inter]nationally televised industry event and showing the world what the hand said to the face, but the "fuck around and find out" in me feels like right where you show that disrespect is where you deal with the consequences.  And let's be honest:  Will Smith has been quiet and graceful under all this fire he's been taking over the last couple of years, mostly behind his wife's public revelations about their marriage and other generally private matters.  Among this fire has been Chris Rock's relentless jokes.  This is what we do know.  

What we don't REALLY know is what predicated Will's reaction.  Of course, many people are saying that Will thought the joke was funny initially and it was the look on Jada's face that changed how he felt in the moment.  I have a question:  has anyone other than me ever seen a person laugh just before trying to take a muthafucka's head off?  Has anyone other than me BEEN the person to laugh just before trying to take a muthafucka's head off?  Because that's what it looked like to me after watching the video a number of times.  What we are missing in all the footage I've seen is that few seconds between Will's apparent laughter and his leaving his seat.  People are assuming Will saw Jada's face and reacted, but we don't actually know what brought him to his feet.  Isn't it just as possible that there had been a conversation at some point earlier where Will had approached Chris about his reckless joking about their marriage, or his wife?  Isn't it just as possible that Chris had been warned that further ridicule would not be tolerated and there would be hell to pay if the behavior continued?  Of course, I have zero information supporting this having occurred, but isn't it just as possible as the story people are concocting about what transpired in those few seconds of video nobody actually saw?  I'm just saying.  There seems to be a little bit more to this than meets the eye.  It doesn't translate to me that someone would actually find a joke funny, see disapproval on his wife's face and then storm the stage.  That's a WHOLE 180 in 3 seconds that IMO, doesn't naturally result in what Will did next.  It's giving "Oh, you thought I was playing with you?" and Chris was made to eat that.  But now that I've watched the video 50-11 more times, I almost feel like Will was still laughing at the previous joke when Chris slid that G.I. Jane one through.  Maybe he didn't really hear it, saw Jada's face and asked what he said and upon hearing it, decided playtime was over.  Chile, IDK.

But what is so annoying to me this morning are all the irrelevant questions people are asking.  "Would he have slapped [someone like] D.L. Hughley?"  "Would he have slapped a white host?"  It wasn't D.L. Hughley and it wasn't a white host.  It was Chris Rock - the same Chris Rock who has a penchant for going too far.  The same Chris Rock who has had Jada's name in his mouth for the last two years. Longer actually. 

"But Chris is a comedian, it was just a joke."  Listen.  I don't think a comedian should have to censor themselves to spare people's feelings, but I do believe comedians - just like anyone else - needs to accept any potential consequences of shit that they do say.  This is the whole reason some comedians no longer tell certain jokes. It's real out here.  Freedom of speech does not grant you freedom from consequences.

"Will did that because it was on live television and he knew Chris wouldn't retaliate."  Really?  You want me to believe Will "snapped" in the moment but also had the presence of mind to assess the situation as an ideal time and place?  Do you honestly believe the fucken Oscars would be anyone's ideal and time and place?  What I will say to this point is that even though someone inviting themselves on stage usually results in a funny outcome, we've seen enough instances where said intrusion results in really uncomfortable moments that there should have been security stopping anyone from climbing onto that stage who wasn't supposed to be up there.  I have said this many times, even when Lil Mama jumped on stage during Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State" performance way back when. There are hundreds of high net folks in the building but there are also a host of other characters at any given show.  Do you know how many celebrities and even Youtube personalities have stalkers?  Has nobody seen the bodyguard?!! There is no telling who some people are or why they are approaching the stage and nobody wants to see anyone gunned down or stabbed up on national television by some nut job, or even a Will Smith who has been pushed over the edge.  No one should be allowed on stage who isn't supposed to be there.  Period.

"Why didn't Will slap August Alsina?"  PLEASE tell me WTF August Alsina has to do with this?  It's been said a billion and five times that the Smith's have an open marriage and the issue arose because of who Jada chose to engage with amidst their family's history with this individual, NOT because it was observed as cheating.  August was also somewhat integrated into their family at a point, so the relationship between those two and these two aren't even close to the same, but again, WTF does he have to do with Will setting Chris Rock's face on fire?  I truly hope no one out there believes that just because someone appears to let one person slide that their outcome would be the same.  This is also something I've seen a number of times.  I don't care how a person chooses to deal with someone else, it has NO bearing on how they will deal with YOU, should you choose to test those waters.  But also, Will couldn't win for losing.  It seemed he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.  How long has this man been clowned for not protecting or standing up for his wife even though it was a bed that SHE made and had to lie in?  Now he does and he's still getting hammered.  You can say you don't agree with how he went about it, but when you call on someone to stand up, you don't get to decide how they do that.  Another reason people really need to be careful AND mind their fucken business.  

Lesson of the day is this:  LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE. Especially the quiet, graceful ones.  Stop poking the bear.  Everyone has their breaking point and you could very well be on the receiving end of a shit storm of emotions that have been welling up inside someone that may or may not even be about you.  Some people are quiet and calm because they know what the other side looks like.  People who have grown and learned and evolved are still people.  Like I said, the composed, responsible adult in me would love to think I'd have let it ride for the moment and saw Chris backstage or at a later time, but it didn't happen to me.  And it didn't happen to you.  None of us really knows how we might have reacted in a similar situation given everything else that transpired up until then.  None of us knows.  

And also take into account the private conversations between a husband and a wife.  I am pretty sure that man has been subject to how Jada's been feeling about her alopecia.  I'm pretty sure he knows how much hurt losing her hair has caused her, how many times she may have cried at night.  Some have said, "Well it ain't like it's a terminal illness."  No, it's not.  But that is either a very callous response or ignorant response considering the relationship women in general have with their hair.  I know women who would rather lose an eyeball than lose their hair.  But even if you're not one of those, you have to understand the toll it could take on a person.  Even the most confident person will begin to lose self esteem when any part of their body begins to betray them.  In my opinion, it doesn't matter a single bit whether Chris Rock knew Jada was struggling with this disease.  Why?  Because the man championed a whole documentary about the black hair experience and knows it's improper to speak on any black woman's hair.  There are whole laws being passed now to keep folks from doing it.  It isn't that he "should" know better, he KNOWS better.

I know this 100% sounds like I'm #TeamWill thus far, but I'm not.  I'm not #TeamChris either, although I do commend him for his restraint, which I think was part professionalism but mostly shock. It was clear he had no idea WTF was going on and probably thought this was going to be one of those "funny outcomes" I mentioned earlier, but that slap woulda put better men than him ON THE GROUND so shout out to that iron jaw, dude, cause MAN!  But I think this was a really sad set of circumstances and I wish it hadn't happened at all.  There are no winners here.  Will what, made a statement and at the same time lost the respect of colleagues and a multitude of fans?  Chris got bitch slapped on national fucken TV and now he probably can't go back to Brooklyn LOL.  Nobody wins here.  Seriously, it tarnished the rest of the night, including Will Smith's own Oscar win, not to mention other major would-be highlights of the show including wins by folks like Questlove and Samuel L. Jackson.  It was just very unfortunate.

It is not lost on me that in his acceptance speech for King Richard, Will apologized to everybody in the building except for Chris Rock.  This says to me that Will meant all five fingers of that shit, but I sincerely hope that the heads of our black entertainment family can bring these two together to hash it out to make amends or at least move forward without any further incidents.  I do believe that once all the back and forth about right or wrong dies down, the only thing people will remember is that there is more than one way to be a man.  Both these men are straight up G's for their respective actions and blame aside, that was the most gangsta shit any of us have or ever will see in our entertainment lives.  

One last thing:  so much talk about what Will should or should not have done in defense of his woman.  Where is the talk about how Jada shoulda grabbed Will's arm and protected him from himself in that moment?  When has she EVER protected him, for that matter?  Mm. Guess y'all ain't ready for that conversation, huh?

*That part*

Platonic Love

Platonic love is so underrated.

That's it.  That's the post.

If "Girl, fuuuuuuuck you" Was A Post

I had a conversation recently that really left me baffled, so I feel it prudent to reissue this PSA for anyone who may be unclear.

When I love you, I love you with all my heart.  When I don't, I do that with all my heart too.

I KNOW I've written about the positions I play in people's lives and any friend of mine or person who has come to know me to any true extent knows how much I value my personal relationships.  I take them very seriously and violations very personally.  That being said, I'm also a communicator and reasonable person, so there is rarely a situation I'm not willing to at least try to work through if I care about a person, but those situations DO exist.  

There ARE times when I won't have shit else to say to somebody.

There ARE times when I won't wanna hear shit they got to say to me.

Both times, I'm DONE-done.

It ain't hate, it ain't beef, it ain't ill will.  It's just over.  

I'm not gonna talk about you.  I'm not gonna ask about you.  You no longer exist to me.  I didn't think this was a difficult concept to grasp, so either I'm wrong about that or I just needed to say it a little louder for the people in the back.  

Don't come looking for me for NOTHING.  I promise I ain't checking for you, NEVER.

#Boom

 

And this is why I say everybody's fair game on this blog.  Feel how you feel.  You don't wanna be called out as a douchebag, don't be a fucken douchebag. 

You Choose

 

The Patriarchy

OMG, I'm so annoyed, but let me back up a bit.

So Ready To Love is this dating show on OWN that I and a couple of my girlfriends watch every week and then chat about.  There are typically 20 [black] men and women brought together to get to know each other with the objective of hopefully finding love with someone in the end.  I like the show because the group is older (mostly mid-30's to late 40's) and IMO more representative of what real life looks like.  Some have children, some have been divorced, some have been career-focused and haven't dated in 10 years - shit like that, and a lot of the issues that surface in the process are reflective of actual situations you might find yourself in when dating out in the world.

This season, there was a woman with 2 men interested in her all the way to the end.  Each of these men also had another woman they were interested in (5 people in total here, keep up lol).  Throughout the course of the show, people were narrowing things down in an effort to choose who they want to try to make it work with.  This chick told both of the men that she couldn't choose.  We're in the last week and she isn't ready to make a decision.  So the guy who was her top choice all show basically said, "Well since you don't know, I'm going over here to who does know," and he chose his other woman who he was equally into.  Her other guy initially said the same, but he was so smitten with her that he changed his mind and chose her over his other woman.  So now this woman has only this man but she won't let go of the fact that the first dude chose someone else.  That's about all the backstory you need to meet me where I am.

So I'm talking to one of my girls about the reunion show where all this was discussed and everyone explained their positions and why they did what they did.  This is what my girl said to me: 

"I was feeling for Kyra a bit during this episode, in the conversation with Jason and her. Like he kept saying he wanted her to make a decision, and she couldn't cause she said she hadn't made one, and that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her. Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her? That ish be pissing me off now. The patriarchy!!!"

I couldn't control my face.  The patriarchy? LOL  And what the hell does any of this have to do with a double standard?  

"that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her."

Listen.  He didn't decide for her, he decided for HIM, the same way you have a choice when some man can't seem to make up his mind about you.  It's not the patriarchy's fault if you choose to sit around and wait for him to decide if he wants you or not.  

Also, I'm a big believer in doing what's best for you, so if Kyra thought the best thing for her was not to decide before she's sure or ready, I'm good with that.  Maybe neither of these men were really right for her at the end of the day.  But you can't then be mad at the other person for not choosing you.  YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM EITHER. 

"Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her?"

Guess what?  There is no double standard.  You, she, ANYONE can date and like 2 people at once and nearly everyone on this show has at some point had 2 interests.  The issue is, this isn't real world dating where someone could essentially do that indefinitely, or at least take their sweet time deciding who they want to be with.  This is a finite process with a predetermined end date.  So if we're at the end and you're telling me you don't know - especially when all this time you've been saying I'm your top choice - I'm out too.  Cause now you just look like you're playing games.  

It's not the show I wanted to talk about though, it's the ideas highlighted in pink which came up in our conversation.  These are real life points that a lot of women are missing, thereby causing their own pain and frustration.  I admit, I was guilty of this victim mindset too - for a very long time - until I finally realized that nobody was imposing these "rules" on me but me.  Why do women put all the power in the hands of the men they're dealing with?  

Newsflash: YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.  If he's not choosing you, sis, BOUNCE.  Leave his confused ass right where he is and move on to another guy that's not gonna waste your time.  Standards aren't only about appearances and what someone comes to the table with; they're also about how we want to be treated.  They're about [often] unspoken contracts between interested parties until they are no longer interested.  Once that shit is no longer what you signed up for, break the fuck out.  You don't have to be dismissed or given permission, just go. You don't need a final word or position to be taken by him - GO.  You can absolutely do that.

And I'd love to see where it says that a woman can't date 2, or even 3 people at a time.  The fact of the matter is that men do it MORE, and more consistently, so it's attributed to them more, but plenty of women do too.  I, myself, dated 2, even 3 men at a time consistently over the course of about 15 years.  [Sidebar: this is why I tell yall stop making dumb ass assumptions about single people.]  Some believe the difference is biological - that women are just most often "wired" to lock on to one guy that they like.  I don't dismiss that thinking, however I believe it more likely to be conditioning.  In that regard, we might be able to work "double standard" in here.  A majority of women have been indoctrinated that this behavior is unladylike and even reckless, but while they're clutching their pearls at the mere idea of dating around, being the powerless victim in the situation is just breaking their own hearts and fucking up their self esteem.  I also attribute some of it to society and today's dating landscape.  Women tend to believe that there are very few good men left so when they find a viable candidate, they cling to him like he's their last and only hope.  It's absolute bullshit that is very much perpetuated by (here we go, friend lol) the patriarchy.  It's a control mechanism, as trivial as it may sound, but maybe that's a conversation for another time.

Bottom line, wield your power.  Make choices for yourself and stop blaming other people for whatever choices you do make.  Most of all, understand that even not choosing, is choosing  Stop being the victim.  I hear it's highly unattractive.

PSA: It's Not About You

PSA: 

If you're going to reach out to lend support to a friend or loved one dealing with a sensitive situation, please take a moment before you reach out to remind yourself that this is what you're doing.  Remove yourself and your feelings from the conversation because it's not about you.  As natural as it may feel to express how helpless you feel, how hurt you are or how you don't know what to do, don't.  The last thing someone going through something wants or needs is to now to have to help you manage your feelings.  It can even come off disrespectful or offensive; as if your pain even remotely compares to theirs.  It's selfish and it's insensitive.

It's also counterproductive to what you intended - if it's what you truly intended.  I say that because some people's motivation isn't genuine, whether or not they realize it.  The need for attention is so ingrained in some folks that they aren't even aware when they are doing the right thing for the wrong reason.  So just take a moment to remind yourself that you're reaching out to LEND support, not receive it.

That is all.

Something New

I wrote this on July 1, 2009, back before this blog existed.  It popped up on my FB memories and reading through it took me right back to that moment.  Bittersweet, but the message still stands: something has to end in order for something new to truly begin.  What do you need to bring closure to in order to start anew?

So its just after 4pm and its been a long day. I know that my pit stop is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of home, so everything in my body is saying "Just do it tomorrow." But its been 5 days since I took on this responsibility, and if it were me, I'd be bitching a fit by now, so I suck it up and head out East.

Im not thinking too much about it on the way there - too busy planning out the rest of my weekend, figuring out what to change into for the suaree tonight and wondering if so and so is really gonna call like he said he would - you know, that sort of thing.

I pull up to the mall, somewhere in the vicinity of where I think I need to go, park and get out, still unassuming and on track to getting this over with, as to go on with the rest of my day. Now where the hell is it, I think to myself.... Ok, I think its this way.

I continue about 100 yards, to the place where the corridors intersect, and suddenly I see him. His back is to me as he's engaging in lighthearted conversation with what appears to be a potential customer, and out of nowhere, my eyes start to well with tears. What the hell???? I stopped for a couple of seconds to get myself together, not sure where the emotion was coming from, and approached the counter, envelope in hand.

A couple of seconds pass before he turns around and he smiles at me. He extends his hand - he's been expecting me. I give him the envelope and without warning, the tears are back.

"So this is it huh?"

I nod.

"Im happy though, its been 3 years."

"I know," I say,"but still. I feel kinda...."

"I know," he says. "It's awkward. But its been a long time coming. I mean, what ya gonna do, ya know? I'll always love her though..... I'll always love her."

I give a half-hearted smile and lower my eyes as I say goodbye and head back the way I came. My eyes were still burning, trying to release the tears I was determined to keep from falling. I got back in the car and just sat there, heart breaking, for just a few minutes, then pulled out to begin my solemn ride home.

I served my best friend's husband with divorce papers today, and a little of me died inside. Ironic really when you think about it. We know something just has to happen - its necessary - and we even WANT it to happen, but when it does, it evokes all kinds of emotions that we never thought it would. I wont say anything negative about the man, I just wont, but I was and am still glad my friend finally did what she had to do to sever the ties to that piece of her life and be able to really move on in the one she has already begun. But still and yet, the idea of something that was supposed to be forever coming to an end - and me being the catalyst for its final chapter.... it kinda took the wind out of me.

But who more fitting than someone who has been almost exactly where she has? Different man, different circumstances, no paperwork, but in a longstanding relationship that yielded children and joint responsibilities that somehow managed to burst into flames when no one was watching. And I asked myself a lot of questions as I drove that Im not sure I will ever have answers to. But I guess at the end of the day, something always has to come to an end in order for something new to begin...

Garbage and Recyclables

Years ago, my mother bought my daughter this beauuuuuuutiful mirror.  It looked antique - one of those mirrors you see in old movies or at somebody's grandma's house.  It had an artfully-crafted wooden base that came up on two sides, with the oval-shaped mirror, framed in the same beautiful wood, securely fastened between them.  I've always thought it was the most beautiful, most classic piece in this entire house.  I loved it.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I did some spring cleaning.  Part of that process was a makeover of her room, which she felt she had outgrown.  She was 9 when we moved here so at 19 now, I completely understood.  We ordered a bunch of stuff last week including a mirror for her wall which mimics the very cheap and unremarkable one hanging over my closet door.  I'm sure I didn't pay more than $15 for it at Wal-Mart however long ago, but hers arrived slightly more expensive, heavier and a bit more upscale, though still no comparison to the mirror my mother bought her.  I hadn't even thought twice about it until I came into the kitchen the next day and saw the wooden mirror standing in the corner where we keep our garbage and recyclables.  I called out to my daughter and asked her if she really intended to throw it out.  She confirmed.  I stood there looking at the mirror for a few seconds like no, we can't just throw this away.

I picked the mirror up and walked it into the living room, looking around for somewhere to put it.  There was obviously nowhere to put this very classic work that made sense in my very contemporary living room.  So I picked the mirror up again and walked it back to my bedroom, trying to find a place for it.  Sadly, there wasn't one.  I looked over at the cheap mirror hanging over my door and the fact was, as basic as it is, it better suits my purposes.  I hadn't considered the size of the mirror - made for a child.  I couldn't get a head-to-floor reflection, so she obviously couldn't get one either.  Now it made sense.  "We could put it in the laundry room," my daughter suggests.  It was ridiculous, but she was trying to help.  I sat on my bed for a few minutes, just looking at the mirror and coming to terms with the fact that it had to go.  I made my peace and carried it back to the corner of the kitchen where we keep our garbage and recyclables.

For the rest of the weekend, I cooked with my music on in that kitchen, checking myself and dancing in that mirror that almost seemed to know its time was coming to an end.  I made a point to stop and look into it every time I passed it yesterday and for the final few times as I passed it today.  My work day coming to a close, I sighed at the sight of it from across the room.  Time to take out the garbage.  I found solace in the fact that it was a beautiful mirror, flawless in every aspect, and that we live in a neighborhood where people driving by will stop and pick up things at the curb that appear to still be useful.  I had hoped with all my heart that some passerby would stumble across it and snatch it up pretty quickly, but 2 hours later, it was still at the curb where every week, we put our garbage and recyclables.  

I was beginning to tire of peeking out of the window, checking, but I couldn't just leave it unattended.  What if some knucklehead group of kids came by and decided to throw rocks at it or something?  It wouldn't be any good to anyone.  So I watched over it anxiously, while also waiting for my Drizly order, which was an hour late (that's a liquor delivery service, for those who may be unaware).  I kept thinking to myself I knew I should have used my usual place.  That $6 I saved would have been worth spending to be able to have a drink in my hand right now.

Then suddenly this sweaty Hispanic guy, on his phone, strolls very slowly up to my front door.  I remembered him from the last time I chose to save $6 - Drizly.  Not wanting to appear overly eager, I sat in the window and waited for him to call.  

"It's Drizly, your delivery is here."

"Okay, thank you," I say, then head downstairs to meet him.

"Sorry for the delay, and thank you for the tip!  Have a nice night!" 

"No problem.  You too."  

I head back upstairs and return to my perch, only to find the delivery guy slowly walking from my door to the curb.  He lifted up the mirror and walked it down to the already-open trunk of his SUV before carefully placing it inside and then driving away.  I can't begin to describe how it felt to watch him handle it with such care.  I also can't begin to explain why it felt like he had literally just saved my live by saving our mirror from the garbage truck.  In that moment, he had been my stress turned relief.  My frustration turned peace.  

I didn't even know where I was going with this when I first sat down to write this.  I just knew I wanted to tell this story.  But in doing so, I think there is a deeper message to be gleaned and it's oddly SUPER relevant to my life right now:

Don't just wait, be patient.  No need to watch over what you've set in motion.  There's definitely no need to watch over what the universe has in store.  For my religious people, when you give it to God, let it go.  For my ambitious people, trust the process.  For those manifesting that love or that life you want, just believe that it is already done.  Whatever you put out there is on it's way, you just have to be patient and trust that it will happen.  Also, not every "bad" or aggravating or annoying situation is what it appears on the surface.  If you allow, those situations just might become blessings.  Stay grateful and keep a willing mentality and your garbage just may become recyclable.

Mea Culpa

Speaking of accountability.....

By sheer happenstance, I came across a series of emails yesterday that I had completely forgotten about.  They were nearly 10 years old (and one was from 2006) so no wonder there, but I truly delighted in the content.  The details are immaterial but those emails stuck with me all night.  How fitting that the sky opened up at some point and the storm, along with the darkness, set the perfect scene for a Black Jack night - what I affectionately call an evening of sipping Jack Daniel's, smoking a cigar and listening to music while reflecting on whatever is on my mind.

My thoughts went back to an apology I recently issued to the person on the other end of those emails, which was for a specific thing they didn't even feel I was wrong about.  Last night, I realized how wrong I actually had been throughout the course of our relationship.  I don't think I've ever told this person that I blamed them for certain circumstances that had me in my feelings for so long, but I 100% believed them to be at fault and I felt a whole WAY about it.  It almost ruined our friendship, I felt so strongly, but the bond between us was able to carry us through.  The conversations those emails brought back to me were proof that the blame was mine.  I tell you - perspective is a motherfucker.  

I think another apology is warranted, whether or not they think there's anything to apologize about (they likely don't).  It's important because my previous perception of reality colored how I viewed this person and they didn't deserve the energy I know that sometimes came with - even if they didn't notice.  I knew it was there.  And the biggest thing for me, notably much more self-aware than average, was the realization that even though I lent myself to the idea that maybe they hadn't done anything wrong, it didn't equate to me thinking the fault was MINE.  I considered the circumstances to be blameless; nobody's fault, it just was what it was.  To now understand that it was ME who was responsible for my disposition all that time was a real "wow" moment.  Talk about a chin check, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks!  

But I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong and I wholeheartedly believe in accountability, so apologize, I will.  I'm SO glad I came across those emails yesterday.  Not only did they provide an avenue for a change in perspective, they were also quite nice to read.  It was nice to remember conversations I had long forgotten and though they "slapped my hand," they also provided a great deal of validation in a way that is genuinely appreciated - especially at this particular time in my life.  So don't be afraid to face yourself, people.  Ownership is key in many more ways than one.

Accountability

Yeah, yeah - I've been busy.  Once again, if you're checking this thing every day and getting annoyed when you don't find anything new, simply subscribe and enable notifications.  I'm over here trying to get my life together, m'kay? 

Came across this today and just thought that I should share for those who are truly on a journey towards growth.  Many of the couch sessions I have with people revolve around these ideas.  I can't even say one is more prevalent than the others because they are ALL big and are all part of the same conversation.  Unfortunately, not enough people are honest enough with themselves to ask themselves these questions - any of them - and they often get defensive when you suggest that they may be their own problem. If you're truly looking to become a better person, you have to hold yourself accountable.  Before you get in your feelings about a situation, take a beat and try to understand the difference between what you feel and what's actually real.

Thank me later.

We Gotta Do Better

You have to live under a rock if you're not aware by now of the 6 Asian women who were murdered in Atlanta recently.  Though this incident has received the most publicity, there have been attacks on people of Asian decent all across the country in recent months and I have to say after seeing so many posts across social media that I am extremely disappointed in my people.

I'm struggling to wrap my mind around how many black people are saying that they don't care or that this isn't their fight.  Honestly, there are so many posts of this nature, I 100% believe that many of the people who have posted this way are simply following behind other posts of this sentiment.  Fucken sheep.

Have any of you stopped to think that maybe this mentality is why WE have had to fight so hard and for so long?  Has anyone thought how hypocritical it is not to stand in solidarity with another community that's hurting right now when all 2020 we asked everyone else to stand with us?  What happened to "Silence is complicity?"  What happened to "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere?"  What, is it only relevant if we're talking about saving black lives? 

Yes, I know black people and Asians have a complicated history in the hoods of America, but no more complicated than the history we have with other groups rooting businesses in our neighborhoods.  Papi and Abdul have chased just as many of your bad ass kids out of their stores and treated you disrespectfully while you continued to patron their businesses.  Are we saying now that all those other groups are also disposable and we are the only group worthy of alliance?  Make it make sense.

For those of you standing on the shoulders of other ignoramuses claiming that Asians haven't shown up for us on our causes, here is ONE of the many articles that have been published detailing how wrong you are.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/75-ways-asian-americans-pacific-islanders-are-speaking-out-black-n1230551

Again, one of many so go do your own research - as you always should before you take a position on anything.  You can no more type the fabric of an entire group based on the single thread you personally are familiar with than any other group should color us based on the knuckleheads out there that make us look bad.

If I sound angry, it's because I am.  We are the quickest group of people to just take on opinions without thinking for ourselves based on what someone of influence has to say.  Anyone who does not see how we have a vested interest in this issue needs to really reevaluate.  What's at the core of ALL our struggles?  White supremacy.  It powers police brutality, it powers systemic racism and it powers white terrorism.  We have a common enemy, people, and we can't just be on board when it's us in their sights.  White supremacy is consistently making the rounds so while the spotlight is on Asian-Americans right now, history has shown us that it won't be long before some treacherous act of violence puts it squarely back on us.  Now understand - we KNOW we're still getting murdered and having the shit kicked out of us even when it's not going viral.  I'm referring to those incidents that do make national news. We can't call everyone to arms if we don't show up for anyone else.  We should be condemning racism and violence in any form, regardless of whom it's being perpetrated against.

You know what else White Supremacy is responsible for?  The division we're talking about at this very moment.  That "complicated" history with other minority groups AND the complicated history within our own.

Interestingly enough, I sat still for the four hours required to watch Zack Snyder's Justice League this weekend and one thing Wonder Woman said greatly resonated with me: "Their history told them not to trust each other - not to hope for an alliance.  To fight apart."  But in the end it wasn't until they came together to fight as one that the enemy could be defeated.  In fact, that's the moral of damn near every story of good vs evil. So why the FUCK don't we understand that?

*throws phone*

#BlackLivesMatter

#StopAsianHate

#FuckWhiteSupremacy

Eureka!

Grief is so complicated. As much as you're hurting, life is still happening, and you have these moments where you want to laugh or celebrate something but you can't.  At least, you feel like you can't. At times, you even actively push against it. But I had a revelation over the weekend....

A loss doesn't require you to be in this perpetual state of sadness in order to honor it.  

Laughing with people you love or taking a moment to celebrate an accomplishment you've worked hard for doesn't cancel out your grieving rights.  You don't have to feel guilty for abandoning that hole for just a little while, to remember YOU'RE still here.  When you're done laughing and celebrating, that hole will still be there.  

But you'll find it's not quite as deep as it use to be.  Some of that laughter and celebration filled this hole just enough that you can no longer fit inside.  So now you just sit beside it, tethered by the immense sense of loss you still feel.  It's like a giant magnet, just compelling your emotions to it.  Then something makes you smile, or cry happy tears and that hole gets filled up just a bit more.  And then more.  And then more.  Until finally that hole is so filled in that the magnet no longer compels you.  

I've learned that this is how grief works.  In the beginning, you're shackled to your loss - near-paralyzed, unable to move forward or even out of that space.  Eventually, the loss becomes shackled to you. So there needn't be any fear of moving forward - you will take that loss with you wherever you go.  The idea that at some point you'll be all "sadded" and cried out, and that this will be your signal to carry on with your life is just ridiculous, still we all kind of feel that way for a good while before we realize how ridiculous it actually is. 

So, I guess it's time to move on away from this hole. *Sigh*  Come on, neph.  Let's go.