Tuesday, May 17, 2016

My own "crazy"



morning.... pretty uneventful evening. was in bed by 10. woke up like 3 am (im guessing) and i went to pee and saw lights under my bedroom door which meant that boy fell asleep on my damn couch after 800 times telling him to stop. i peed and went back to bed with a major attitude because i was telling myself i bet he didnt put the leftover food away or take the garbage out either. i was making myself so upset i could physically feel the stress building in my chest. so i told myself i have to think about something else. so i started thinking about sex lol. specifically i started thinking about how in the wide scope of things, most sex is really very average and lackluster. i came to that conclusion thinking about [guy 1] of course lol. and [guy 2]. and [guy 3]. but mainly [guy 1] lol. and that thought went to "damn, i havent seen him in 2 years." and that thought went to i miss him but im equally upset with him and i dont care anymore. then it went to [guy 4] - the guy i was supposed to meet up with tonight after work (freshman year at brockport guy). and how i texted him yesterday to see if tonight was still on and he didnt respond. and how im not gonna ask again and if he doesnt hit me, we just wont go. then i thought, if he does hit me, maybe i still wont go. maybe i've made other plans since i didnt hear back from him - or at least, that's what i should say. and suddenly i remembered the last time i was with him in the car, coming from dinner.... had to be almost 4 years ago now...... and i remember we fell out on that ride home. well.... more accurately, i remember him saying something that made me feel really angry.... but i couldnt remember what it was. idk if he said something about a gf..... or if i finally asked him what the deal was with us after all these years of it being the elephant in the room and i didnt like his response.... i really wish i could remember because now that i remember that happened, i remember it kinda being the reason i hadnt spoken to him in so long. i remember consciously NOT texting him happy birthday a couple years ago and rolling my eyes when i saw a linkedin update of his work anniversary or something...... but somehow over time, i've forgotten that incident and reached out a month or so ago, like i always did once or twice a year, and he said we need to get together when the weather warms up. and thats how tonight came about. but now i remember that night in the car and i wonder if he's forgotten too. i wonder if we can pretend it never happened..... of if i should do like i intended and just never speak to him again......




Sunday, May 8, 2016

Dry

I feel like I been crying all damn weekend.

Yesterday morning, I received a text from a friend of mine who was expecting. I thought about her earlier in the week because I hadn't seen her on social media and I knew her due date was coming but it kept slipping my mind to call. The first thing I saw on the text was a picture of a baby's hand curled around both her and her boyfriend's pinkies. I immediately thought awwwwwww, how fucken cute! She had the baby! Then I read the text and became confused. What I thought I read was basically "our baby was born on [this] day at [this] time, weighing [this] much and measuring [this] many inches" but it ended with a request to keep her and her boyfriend in prayer and I was thrown. Wait.... what? Now it's not unheard of or even uncommon for someone to say that, but something about it was wrong. I had to read it several times before I understood... before I caught the words I had initially overlooked: "....was born into heaven...."

I cried so hard.

I cried because I know how long she had been wanting to have a baby. I cried because I watched the joy well up in her over the course of this gestation period - the pictures, the baby shower, the planning. I cried because she loved that baby so hard and was so looking forward to her arrival. I cried because she carried that baby all the way to term, birthed her, and had to let her go. I'm crying all over again just thinking about the pain she's had to be in for the last week and even more so today, on what should have been her first and very happy Mother's Day. I cried because for the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. More accurately, I knew there was nothing I COULD do. I'll ask you all to join to me in keeping this couple in prayer.

This morning, the midgets woke me up early like they do every Mother's Day to serve me breakfast in bed. I was about halfway through when my daughter came back in and sat on my bed asking how everything was. I told her everything was good and added, "You'll have to do this by yourself next year." She said, "yup," and 3 seconds later, I was in tears. It hit me quite suddenly; my baby boy is gonna be off to college soon. As crazy as he makes me these days, I don't know how I'm gonna deal with not seeing him every day, or every week even. How I'm gonna handle those nightly calls that soon become fewer and farther between. I know I have to cut the apron strings but it all seems to be coming so fast - even though I can still remember the days when I couldn't wait for this time to come. It's going to be a hard transition for me, but I'm going to try to be as excited for him as he is.

I'm sure that led to my next breakdown. His father hasn't spoken to him since that last incident a month and a half ago when I almost put him out. I got past it, but he didn't. I understand the issue, but it's hurtful to me at a time when I know the direction he needs can't come from me. I am not equipped to guide him into manhood. I can't relate on a personal level to what he's going through and what he's facing and because he's not a little kid anymore, he's quite aware of that. He doesn't have the same conversations with me that he has with his father. And it was in the middle of expressing that to him when he called me today that I found myself in tears again.

Now if you don't know anything about our relationship, know that I HATE showing anything to him that might come off as weakness. But as I was telling him how disappointed I was in the recent state of THEIR relationship, I didn't feel weak. I felt..... humbled. And somehow that humility gave way to his. For the first time, we spoke of our mutual fear of having done some things wrong where our son is concerned. It's okay - no parent does everything right - and we have raised a good kid, but I think there always comes a point when a parent feels a little guilty when things aren't unfolding quite the way they wanted them to. I just needed him to stop dwelling on what's already happened and start focusing on now and what's next. In the twist of all twists, he actually listened to me and agreed to fix it. Stand in the gap, Lord. #wonthedoit

So throw in Mommie Dearest, Mildred Pierce and both versions of Imitation of Life and yeah.... I been crying all damn weekend. But I did a lot of thinking too and I feel a lot clearer. I've done laundry, fed my babies, now all I need is a really good night's sleep and to not wake up to the death of Morgan Freeman and everything will be peach on the beach.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

RIP Afeni Shakur


Maybe I need to stop getting online for non-work purposes when I'm at work. I swear it seems like every time I do, somebody else done died. 2016 ain't giving a single fuck about our feelings. Today we learned that Afeni Shakur [Davis], activist and beloved mother of hip hop legend, Tupac Shakur, passed away last night after what appeared to be cardiac arrest. She was 69. Tupac himself was gunned down in a drive-by shooting in 1996.

I'm sad to hear this news, but happy that 20 years later, this mother can finally be reunited with the son she very clearly loved and missed so very much. We wish you eternity.

#RIP