Sunday, August 17, 2014

Update

It has been an... interesting couple of weeks. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows consecutively for just about that whole time, so my lack of blogging has definitely not been due to lack of material. I just haven't had the energy.

I started seeing somebody a couple of weeks ago that I thought had some real potential but I know my history, while at the time knowing very little of his, so I played it close to the vest. He started out just about everything I would have wanted him to be, punctuality notwithstanding, but he was on 10 very early in the game, which gave me pause. The old me would have gone with it, saying love's not on a timer, but the more mature, sophisticated me knew better. There did come a time when I thought I could risk it, but as soon as I started to lend myself to that idea, he started showing me that I shouldn't. A trip I made upstate seemed to derail the whole shit. We got past it and were geared up to pick up where we left off, but a conversation we had the next time out, again, gave me pause.

He had told me he had a 17-year old daughter and two sons but he never wanted to talk about the boys. Then finally that night, I found out that one was 21, so I guess there wasn't much to talk about there...?.... and then I found out his other son was just one year old. It didn't really set off any alarms initially, but then he told me that he was conceived with a woman he had stepped out on his 7-year relationship with. He emphasized that the relationship was pretty much over at the time, but y'all know my position on that. "Pretty much" ain't the same as over. He said he dealt with the chick (who happens to be from the same place upstate I just left - sheesh) for about 7 or 8 months before he couldn't take it anymore. By that time, she was already pregnant. He gave me 10 reasons he couldn't stay with her but I didn't really hear any of them. Then the conversation turned a bit and I asked him when the last time he had sex was. "Does oral count?" he asked. Yes, nigga, it counts LOL. He says two weeks ago (which at the time would have been a week before we started seeing each other) and goes on to tell me he felt like he just wanted some head so he called some broad he's known since high school because "that's what she does." Now I don't know about y'all but me personally? I am not comfortable with the idea that a man has head on speed dial. I'm no rookie - I know most men probably do - but to be comfortable enough to say that to me, the woman you want to be YOUR woman, like I'm supposed to be "oh ok, one of those" didn't sit well. While he's going through all this background, he says he doesn't want to know about my past. He's not concerned with anything prior to our connecting. That didn't sit well with me either. I don't think you necessarily need to dredge up EVERYTHING you've done or been through, but how are you going to build a real relationship with someone who's history and patterns you know nothing about? If nothing else, you should want to know why their LAST relationship ended.... if they have a history of cheating... thrown a brick through a window LOL.... something. All things considered (not to mention the weekend disappearing acts) I'm supposed to trust you? But I kept it to myself. A week and some other bullshit later, I'm done. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Then Friday I found myself a plead away from quitting my job. My new manager straight showed his ass with me in a very public display and one thing I do not play is disrespect in the work place. I was in that space where I wanted to hit or throw something, knowing I couldn't, and restraint - though it APPEARS easy for me - is the hardest thing for me to swallow. Expressing myself is what I do. I've mastered the ability to do so very eloquently and still get my point across no matter the setting. However in this particular case, there was no finessing it. The only way to express myself with the amount of anger that had built up inside of me was to cry, and cry I did. In the conference room with my HR lady after my manager felt like he had better shit to do than to continue being fucken wrong, I cried. I told her I was going back to my desk to pack my shit and she pleaded with me not to. "You're an important part of that team, we need you here," she said. I didn't give a gotdamn, but I knew leaving that way would be something I would regret and at the end of the day, I have a family to provide for. In that regard, I am grateful she talked me down from the ledge but if I didn't have enough reason to move on before, I definitely have it now.

Some other things transpired too but these two things..... sighhhhhhh. I just wanted to come in here and give some account for my time away and say that although I am extremely exhausted from all of it, I'll try my best to get back to this. One thing I can say is when things take you to such emotional highs and lows so quickly and you find yourself drained of energy, you also find yourself drained of spiritual clutter. I haven't felt so mentally and spiritually clear in a long time, so I guess that's the silver lining. I'll take it.