Say No More

Every year I post a NYE blog either recapping the year or talking about my hopes for the year to come and I found myself struggling this year. I didn't know what I wanted to say or quite how to say it; in fact, there are 3 different drafts saved on this thing because I couldn't find the pocket. So I decided to step away from it and circle back to it later, taking a little cruise through Facebook, and what do you know...... The Lord was waiting.

Nothing I'd have come up with would have said it any better.

Happy New Year's, y'all.

Love,
Dig

Recovery Update

Its been a week since the surgery and today.......... I got dressed!!!

......kinda LOL

#babysteps

A tea cup though?

And you hope you've seen the worst of it leaving no place to go but up.....smh

Its a little after 11 last night. Im about an hour into my meds so Im starting to fade and not sure Im actually hearing the commotion I think Im hearing in the kitchen. I mute the TV and hear my mom berating my son AGAIN so I start the slow process of getting out of my bed and gingerly making my way down the hall. He's in his room by the time I hit the kitchen and I see the look of irritation on his face as I pass. Mom's at the sink, so I lean against the refrigerator and ask her what the problem was. She begins to tell me how my son brought a couple of dishes from his room and put them in the sink.

".......................................Okay." LOL

On prompt she continues to tell me how slack and lazy it is for someone to just use a dish and put it in the sink rather than wash it. Now Im confused because we've all, during the course of the day, used a spoon or a cup or something and put it in the sink when we were done. I think the real issue was that when she said something to him about it, he responded by telling her he didnt wash it because it was my daughter's week for dishes. Although my daughter has apparently been on her nerves this week also, she is still my mother's favorite and something about my son leaving dishes for her to do struck a chord with her on a personal level, causing her to be on 10 for no damn reason. This is at least the second time today she's yelled at him about this when AGAIN his weren't the only dishes in the sink, not to mention we're talking about a coffee mug and a couple of spoons. You'd think he deep-fried a sheep and left the mess for somebody else to clean. SHEESH!

So I try to bring her down a level and before I could even complete a sentence, she's back at me, saying I am making excuses for him. Im like what is there to excuse? If we were talking about lil mama, I'd be telling you the same thing. I just think you're a little turned up for something as trivial as this and I don't understand why. She goes to ranting, slamming stuff down on the counter, storming off to the living room talking about she cant wait to get out of here on Saturday. "Really, Ma? You acting like THAT?" (she's now sitting on the couch, ignoring me) "Ma!" (still ignoring me) "You know what - that's just ridiculous." Me and my groggy self drags from counter to counter, finishing the effort she just abandoned (putting the food away) and then I ride the wall back down the hall to my room, where I all but collapse into bed.

She cant wait to get out of here Saturday. It had taken everything in me not to tell her right at that moment "Oh you aint got to wait; DO feel free to leave at any time," but I did say that to my sister when I texted her to vent. My hope was really that after she slept it off my mom would wake up and see how over the top she was and apologize. Either that or she'd wake up and pack her shit. I mean stay for what? She's not offering any emotional support and she's doing absolutely nothing I cant do for myself at this point. But admittedly, my feelings were hurt. I mean how does a person become so angry over a tea cup? There were other things in the sink already and pots and pans from dinner had just been emptied into containers so they were needing to be washed too. Why was it such a big deal that he put a cup in the sink? I have my own theories about where it all comes from but this is just another display of her all-the-time anger making an appearance out of nowhere and her not knowing - or maybe not even caring - when she's taking it too far.

Then my mind flashed back to earlier in the day also when she came into my room (supposedly to "check on me") and randomly started telling me how much money she's spent since she's been here. She's telling me how she told my kids as well as my nieces and nephews that she'll get them something for Christmas later cause she needed to be down here and how now she's got $7 left cause she spent her whole $500 bonus since she been here.

*squint* Dude, Im on drugs right now, why are you telling me all this? LOL

My mama being who she is, I can only imagine she was planting that "all I've done for you" seed so she could throw it back up in my face or run a guilt trip later and laying the groundwork for me to break her off something before she goes back upstate, which is another thing I don't like about her. Don't play games with me - TELL ME what you want. Stop leaving fucken bread crumbs and shit.

So far I have passed her once in the kitchen this morning, ironically, while my daughter was washing dishes. There were no words exchanged, I didn't even make eye contact with her. I don't really have anything to say to her until she acknowledges her foolishness and apologizes. I am not taking this nonsense with her into 2014 and she gon learn today.

Pettiness

Now see.... just that fast.... smh

So Im in the bed chillaxing, trying to get my iTunes life together and I hear a slight ruckus which ends before I had a chance to mute my TV. My son comes in the room and tells me my mom wont help him reinstate his playstation account. Allow me to explain...

A while back my mom purchased a game or two for him via the PS3 console. Months later, I let him purchase something via the console, not realizing that my mom's information had been saved in the system so rather than prompt my son for my billing info upon making his selection, it automatically charged her card. He told me he thought that had happened but by the end of the transaction he seemed to have corrected it and sent it through on mine. Turns out it never corrected, but we didn't know that until my mom got her bill and the purchase was on it. Because she was being pissy at the time, rather than just call and let me know, where I could have just paid her for the purchase, she tells her credit card people she did not authorize the purchase and it was reported as fraudulent, another thing we didn't find out until later, when my son went to do something on the console and it told him his account was suspended for suspected fraudulent activity.

My mom being down here and him just getting his PS3 back (he was on punishment up until this week) he wanted to try to get the account cleared up. Unfortunately when he told SONY he could put her on the phone, they told him they cant just take her word that she is who she says she is and because the credit card people told them it was a fraudulent charge, she needs to touch base with the credit card people and say it wasn't fraudulent so the credit card people can then tell them that it wasn't fraudulent. Until then the account would remain suspended. She refuses to call because she "didn't authorize the transaction" like she said.

Sighhhhhh. Do you see what I mean about petty shit? I mean is it that difficult to understand that it was all a mistake? She is carrying on like he went and did some fuck shit, trying to get over on her or something. If memory serves me correctly, it was like $29 or some shit. $29 is $29, dont get me wrong, but come on now, I can GIVE you $29 on any day of the week. She still crabby about this morning I guess (what the fuck for? LOL) and is being a fucken bitch for spite. This is the type of shit I be talking about when I say she's petty. How does this type of behavior better any situation? You think teenagers have attitude problems so your response is to have one too? Really? Who's the fucken child here???

Yo. I aint even kidding. Im about ready to thank her for everything and send her on about her way. To be honest, she has done all she can do that me and these kids cant manage ourselves. She's slept more than me in the past 2 days anyway so if she's gonna be miserable, I rather her go do that shit at home.

Is it Saturday yet?

I know its not gonna last because I get restless easily but I've really enjoyed laying around the last couple of days. I suppose its a lot easier to do when the drugs you're on make it nearly impossible to object LOL. I dont know how many people have told me in the last couple of days to just chill out and enjoy the down time, and I am definitely doing that, but I do look forward to things going back to normal... moving freely without the pain and fatigue... a night stand that doesn't look like the pharmacy at Walgreen's... and a roof that shelters only 3. Yes people, my mama is driving me crazy.

Yall don't know this about my mom unless you know her but she's one of those people that's good for talking about punching somebody in the face or kicking them in the throat LOL. Im like "Ma, why you so violent? Why you always talking about putting your hands on somebody?" She justifies it by saying we know she's not really going to do it, its her way of saying someone is "taking her there" and she only does it around people who know her like that. Well first of all, I highly doubt that that is the case. It seems almost reflexive. I don't think she really has any idea how often she actually says it or even that she's saying it until its already coming out of her mouth, and to think that its okay simply because she "doesn't mean it" is to shirk responsibility for careless wielding of the sword of life. I told her if that's her "go-to" response, then there is an issue that she needs to address and its got nothing to do with everybody else in the world (who obviously are the problem LOL). She gets so defensive too whenever you say anything to her about it and Im like "See? Right there. Is there any reason you should be getting this upset right now?" And what does she do? Roll her eyes and walk off mumbling about kicking me in the throat LOL. She's crazy LOL.

Its rather frustrating because I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, talking and laughing with the kids and stuff, but she cant seem to just roll with the positive vibes. In the middle of any story she tells, she has to go off on a tangent about somebody she wanted to kick down a flight of stairs or some shit and I just sigh and SMH. She even started to go so far as to blame the fact that my daughter had an attitude in the store yesterday on us (as in my generation) not taking care of business with our kids. I had to stop her right there......

"Dont do that. I get it - she had an attitude - but she is a teenager and teenagers sometimes do. Its just been that long since you've been exposed to one for any significant length of time because all your kids are grown. Hold her accountable for her attitude and deal with it accordingly. What you are NOT going to do is blame your inability to deal with A CHILD on some failure on my part to raise her, because I have done a damn good job in that regard and I resent any implication otherwise." *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

She never wants to take responsibility for her own reaction or feelings about a situation or acknowledge that people's ability to so quickly and consistently anger her is indicative of a personal problem. She just lashes out. She doesn't see how ugly it is and it makes me sad that she wont even try. So many people block their own blessings by perpetuating negativity in their own behaviors and attitudes and most of those people STAY with something to say about somebody else's. A lot of the things are small things that only require a little conscious reprogramming but change cant infiltrate the gates of defensiveness. Its the kryptonite to the superman of progress. Why wouldn't you want to make a change for the better?

I tell you what - we all have picked up bad habits from time to time that we haven't really noticed. If I have a tendency to do some shit that turns people off, I WANT to know. Maybe Im just an asshole (LOL) but maybe I really don't realize that Im doing it. My mom is generally sweet in nature but she has this underlying anger and bitterness that causes her to make some really ugly comments to and about people. My professional opinion (mmhmm, LOL) is that she has the power to stop doing it by simply acknowledging it and making a conscious effort to redirect her energy in a way that enables her to speak life and positivity. I see now why she always seems to have this look of sourness on her face when she's just walking around day to day. Its embedded in her somewhere and reflecting on the outside. Your thoughts become your disposition. All I want is for her to unleash herself so she can feel as beautiful as she would also appear without that bitterness all over her but I don't know if there is anything I or anybody can say or do to impact the situation if she's not gonna be receptive..... but if she's not gonna be receptive, this is gonna be a long couple days.....

Post-Op

My mom came down to be with me and help me with the midgets while I had surgery. We were up at 3:30 in the morning on Friday and out the door by 4:30. A couple waiting rooms and a rack of paperwork later, I was leaving my bag with her and filing behind seven other people headed into the patient prep area. They sat us each in our individually curtained-off areas, confirmed all the pre-op information they had gathered the day before, and distributed the standard unis, complete with fuzzy bottom-grip slipper socks. I was asked to disrobe and put all my clothes in the blue bag I was given - a sort of "thank you for choosing Roosevelt Hospital" type duffle - and once I had done so, my mom was brought in to share some final moments with me before I was wheeled back to surgery.

I purposely disregarded the implication.

My sister called to pray with me and then after a few minutes, the eight patients were all rounded up, asked to send our family members off into the morning and follow the bowlegged Jamaican guy through the silver double doors. A cute Hispanic guy chatted me up, telling me about his hernia while assuring me that everything with my procedure would be alright. Guess I wasn't doing as good a job hiding my apprehension as I thought. I was taken to my bed and left to lie there until the anesthesiologist assigned to me came to retrieve me. He did so with releases in hand for me to sign off on. I took the pen along with a deep breath that gave way to tears as I suddenly wished more than ever before that my mother were there. It only got worse when they rolled my bed to the operating room I was assigned to, parked the bed outside the door and asked me to WALK through the OR doors. Never in all my life have I heard of anyone WALKING into their procedure.... the last thing I remember was crying my eyes out as I laid back on the table, wondering if I had hugged my mom tight enough for all the years I might miss if I didn't come back.... had I hugged my kids long enough. Did my friends know how much I love them? But the next thing I knew, I was struggling to open my eyes in some random corner, being debriefed as to how everything went, as if I could understand a damn thing being said with all the dope running through my veins. What I did understand was "you're gonna be okay" and "we're gonna go get your mom".... that's all I really wanted to hear anyway.

A while later, after I had been taken to my room, I broke down telling my mom how alone and terrified I felt walking into that operating room. There is nothing like looking around and seeing nothing but cold steel, lights and straps, a table with outstretched arms just waiting for you to sacrifice yourself to it and there's no one there to hold your hand. I hope I never have to go through that again. I don't wish that feeling on anybody.

Three days later I was home, glad my mother is as anal as she is about everything. My house was in impeccable condition LOL. She did her best to make me comfortable despite her own discomfort, running around so much in the time I was gone. I made sure the midgets looked out as much for her as they did for me. I think we both need this time off.

In the end, all is well and I just wanted to update my blog to that effect. I did have to lose an ovary in the process, which wasn't part of the plan, but it was necessary. My hope is that recovery will continue on the speedy path its started to take and that I'll be that much better on the other side of it. Please continue to pray for me and the family while we move toward normalcy and please know I've got plenty more to say about this experience, so stick around...

Rest In Paradise.....

I'm a few days late on this but I've had a couple of things going on since Thanksgiving. I want to send heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Fast and Furious actor, Paul Walker. While I am a fan of the franchise, I am a much bigger fan of some of Paul's other work, i.e. Takers. I'm more saddened that the prequel on deck for that will suffer from his absence (I'm assuming it hasn't already been filmed). IDK, maybe they can use Bradley Cooper and say he was his brother who for whatever reason got replaced with Paul later.... IDK. At any rate, this is a death that caught me off guard. Paul was one of my white chocolate fantasies, so he will indeed be missed.

While Paul was an international superstar of the silver screen, today the world lost an icon - a legend - in the man known as Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela was the very epitome of humanity and triumph. To say RIP would seem too simple, but at the same time, no words will suffice. Any attempt to find some suitable would fall so short that RIP is the only route respectable enough to take. With that, Mr. Mandela, we salute you and we thank you.

*moment of silence*

What I find interesting is that both these people were such generous and kind individuals. Having died in the same week as 'Curb Your Appeal" co-host Bill Beckwith, who was also a notable humanitarian, I cant help but feel this death link of 3 was by completely by divine design. I mean.... I refuse to believe Mandela was illuminati.....