Thursday, February 23, 2012

10.....9.....8......

Dear Lord,

I have refrained from beating the hell outta my son who somehow has forgotten that I will, but I cannot promise you that I wont give in to the temptation he is dangling before me on an almost daily basis, as of late. Please dont let me get another email from a teacher, or poorly timed roll of the eyes, Lord, for I know not what I'll do.

I am stressed in nearly every aspect of my life today and I am one sock on the kitchen counter away from snapping. I'm washing my hands of it all, Lord, and handing it over to you, because clearly, my way isnt working. You know the needs, Lord. Fill them and help me to be still so that I dont get in your way. In Jesus' name...

Amen

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Off You Go

I sat in my bed for eight hours today (including the pre and post coverage) and watched while one of my musical inspirations was sent home to our Lord. It was the most beautiful service I have had the privilege of being a part of, and today it finally hit me. Whitney is gone. There will be no comeback. Its over.

I made the jokes like everyone else when she was battling her addiction and fighting on national TV with Bobby, but I was always pulling for her to turn it all around and it is finally sinking in that that will never happen now. It hurt. A lot. But I hear my children in the living room laughing and suddenly, Im not so sad.

I never really kept up with the charts - if I like it I like it - but Saving all my love for you was her first number one record, according to the report I just watched. I distinctly remember that song being on the radio and me turning to look at the stereo as I walked thru my living room. It was silver, with big knobs (LOL) and sat underneath our TV on the stand. I stopped in the middle of the living room, sat down and muted the TV, staring at the stereo for the whole song, jamming. I dont recall whether that was my first time hearing it or not, but I remember that so vividly in my mind.

The first time I saw the video for "The Greatest Love of All" I cried, and I have cried every single time since.

"One Moment In Time" made me cry too and I cried all through those damn Olympics when they kept playing that shit LOL.

"Didnt We Almost Have It All" was my favorite song for a long time, followed by a slew of others....

....And then there was Mariah Carey LOL..... but I digress.

My best friend at the time and I both wanted to be Whitney. I had my little electric keyboard at the house, learning the keys to the songs and we would be in there singing our little hearts out to her music and trying to write our own songs. I never imagined myself actually singing one of her songs publicly, but if I was going to sing anything, it was going to be Whitney. That's where I felt at home, and you know.... she was there for me that night. I realized today that she will always be there for me... because even though there will be nothing new to come, what she's already done will always be here and it will sustain me as it has through all these years, because her music is timeless.

Tomorrow, she will be laid to rest next to her father, here in Jersey. So tonight I will toast her one last time. Farewell, Whitney... or in the words of Kevin Costner, "Off you go" and thank you for all the beautiful music that has given me what I needed at the times that I needed it, and as cliche as it may now sound... I will always love you.

Rest in peace.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Try It On My Own




In different ways, her story and mine.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Greatest Love of All

I think I went to bed a little after midnight... I was more than a lil tipsy, so Im really not sure LOL. I woke up at about 2:30 or 3 and couldnt go back to sleep - the downside of flushing your system with too much water before you lay down. #hangoverpreventionstrategymiscalculation

Anyway, I spent the next hour and a half watching Whitney's 80's video tribute on VH1 - the same half hour, three times, and I woulda watched it again if they hadnt changed programs.

I still dont have a favorite Whitney Houston song, but I have decided "The Greatest Love of All" is MY song. I wished the video was a representation of my life - a dream culminating into reality, with my supportive parent waiting in the wings - but even though it isnt, the lyrics are.

"Everybody's searching for a hero.
People need someone to look up to.
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs.
A lonely place to be...
And so I learned to depend on me."

True enough. I got a little misty just typing that.... There you have it. The A to Z on Dig in a nutshell.

Then I got to thinking. Whitney Houston, the beautiful disaster that she became, died at 48 years young. My oldest sister will be 43 in July. As youthful and vibrant as she [usually LOL] is, the idea that a person's life expectancy would be only 5 more years than that is startling. I realize a person of that age is not likely to die without the influence of external forces (disease, addiction, murder, accident, etc) but still.... it brings you face to face with your own mortality, and as one who (as I've often said) fears dying before [what would be considered] my time, it just made me start reflecting on my own life.

Then those lyrics got me again:

"I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadow.
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe.
No matter what they take from me,
They cant take away my dignity..."

Again.... true enough. And whenever my number comes up, that is exactly how I want to be remembered.

I am dealing with some personal challenges (what else is new?) some of which I have mentioned here, some which I have not. I may or may not conquer them all, but be as well aware that my decisions are my own, as I am that the consequences are also. Some may not agree with my choices, but they are my choices.... not my circumstances.... not anything I've "fallen into".... my CHOICES. Because I dont just land wherever the wind blows me. I am actively living - free-spirited, in my own truth, and without apology. Hopefully few are warranted (LOL) but trust that the ones I issue will not be in regards to how I choose to live my life.

If learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, I loved and lost a hundred times before I could actually say I had finally found it and it was here to stay. But I have, and it is. We fight and take breaks every now and then (LMAO!) but we stayin together LOL.

A little while ago, BET re-aired the 2010 BET Honors show where Whitney was honored for her achievements in the industry. Jennifer Hudson sang a tribute for her - I Will Always Love You - and I found myself in tears again when she held Whitney's hand, looked her in the eye and sang:

"I hope life treats you kind.
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
I wish you joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Such a tortured soul, on the surface it would seem as though she hadnt gotten any of this.... but maybe she had plenty and it just wasnt enough.

"And if by chance that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place...."

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it does.

"...Find your strength in love."

Saturday, February 11, 2012

R.I.P Whitney Houston...........................*tears*



Tonight we lost arguably the greatest female voice of all time. Whitney Houston has left the building at the age of 48.

This was another close one for me. After Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston was the closest personification of music for me. It took about two hours for the news to really sink in. I spent that time in shock, researching what happened (still no real answers) and verifying its truth, but the barrage of videos and commentary on FB eventually got the waterworks flowing pretty damn strong.

I cant even pick a favorite Whitney Houston song. There are very few that wouldnt be contenders, so I will just post the video of the one I sang at my college homecoming that won me the crown, "I Have Nothing" and of course, the unforgettable "Greatest Love Of All," the standard by which all great vocalists are measured. I picked up a video of her first showcase for Arista as well, via a friend of mine, so I'll throw that up too - "I am changing."

Before I get outta here, I would like to send up prayers for Cissy and Bobbi Christina, as well as Bobby Brown, who has to be hurting like hell right now. That being said, let me just state for the record that if you are of the mind that Bobby Brown ruined Whitney Houston, you should kill yourself right now. That is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. I loved the woman to death but she was grown and responsible for her own choices, just like you and me. Personally, I wish she had made better ones, and I am truly saddened............... *tears* .............. that she is gone, but I feel blessed to have had the honor of her angelic voice ring in my lifetime, and though she will no longer be here in the physical, via the mark she has made on the music industry, she is immortal. With all the torment in her life in her last years on this earth, I hope she will finally be able to find peace.

"Learning to love yourself.... it is the greatest love of all."

R.I.P. Nippy.







Tuesday, February 7, 2012

State of Humanity




I meant to post this yesterday but work was busy as hell and when I got home, I got caught up doing other shit so, here we are this morning LOL

Anyway.....I was on the train yesterday, on my way to one of my accounts, when this lady got on. I knew she was about to make an announcement by the way she positioned herself against the pole in the middle of the car. I thought "here we go." Somebody STAY gettin on the train, going from car to car, begging, talking bout they homeless (with brand new sneakers on LOL) or some other shit that makes you stare into the camera on they asses. And this lady looked like she was a trip, so I could just about imagine what she was about to be on.

In a strong but sincere tone, she says, "I'm hungry. Will anybody be kind enough to spare just a quarter so I can get something to eat today?"

I waited for the rest, but that's all there was.

My hands were already in my pocket, so I felt around for change and there was none. While I went for my wallet, I watched the lady look around at the people in our end of the car. Half were pretending not to have heard her (stop it, I had on my Ipod and I heard her), but a lady next to me handed her change and that prompted 3 or 4 others to do so also. As I watched it, I thought to myself these muthafuckas actually giving her quarters? Really? I mean I know thats what she asked for, but clearly she asked for quarters because she knew people would be more willing to part with them than dollars. Initially, I was only gonna give her whatever change I had in my pocket too, but to actually see what that shit looked like - people giving her quarters - it really kinda pissed me off.

I only had $11 in my wallet and I knew I wouldnt have any more money until at least Wednesday, so I gave her the single, rather than the 10-spot my impulse said to, but I watched the lady repeat her announcement all the way to the other end of the car, collecting money from whomever was willing to give it, and I found myself getting even more pissed off, looking at the faces of some of the people. This one dude in particular was looking like "starve, bitch" and it made me wanna punch him in the face. I mean, I get it. People on the con all day in the city. But this lady aint come on here with no elaborate story or no craziness. She said, "Im hungry." Could she have been hustling us? Sure. But when somebody says they are hungry and asks your help in being able to eat that day, it doesnt matter. At least, thats how I feel. And so what if she was hustling us? What the fuck are you gonna do with that quarter? Probably nothing and its gonna sit in that pocket for months, or end up in somebody's couch. It pissed me off that more people didnt give her dollars (I think I saw 2 or 3 other people do it), but you cant give the woman a quarter? For real?

I was mad, and it kinda hurt too. I couldnt believe that people would be so selfish. And this is a quarter we talkin about. No wonder there is never any real change around us, cause "we" still the same selfish bastards who hear the call but think "oh they aint mean me" and Im so sick of it. You gotta be the change you want to see, people. Fucken be it.

*drops mic*

*walks off stage*

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

R.I.P. Don Cornelius


Today we said goodbye to an icon. People all over the world welcomed Don Cornelius into their homes every Saturday for 35 seasons, introducing them to some of the time's (and today's) biggest artists. A performer hadnt "arrived" until he or she played Soul Train, "the hippest trip in America."

I remember the scramble board, the chinese girl (dancer) and I even remember Jody Watley and Jermaine whats-his-face when they were dancing on there before becoming 2/3 of the group Shalamar, along with Howard Hewitt. Some of my favorite performances on that show include The Jackson 5, Michael Jackson (of course), Janet Jackson, The Boys, Taste of Honey, DeBarge and Stacy Lattisaw. If you get bored tonight, go youtube some of those.

Its sad how Don met his demise - an apparent suicide, per the reports - but when your life is defined by something of such magnitude, I can imagine it hard to exist without it. What's crazy is that I called it. I said, after BET honored him for lifetime achievement a couple of years ago, that he'd kill himself. I wonder if any of my friends remember that.

*sigh*

Well anyway, so long, Don. Your place in history is forever engraved as a result of YOUR vision. No matter what happened in the board room back in 2006, nobody will ever be able to take that away from you. One last time for the man....

Love,
Peace,
And Sooooooouuuuul......!

R.I.P. man.