Friday, September 30, 2011

I'm Learning

You ever wanna do something so bad that you try to line up hoops to jump through just so you can do it? You never even open up your bills when they come but you pull them bad boys out to see which ones you can move around to free up the money you need LOL.

I have been struggling with impulsiveness for as long as I can remember - mostly impromptu travel.

I cant tell you how many trips I have taken over the last ten years that threw my finances into a tailspin for like two months after, just cause I wanted to go so bad. Maybe there was somebody I wanted to see, maybe there was some event I wanted to attend, but most of the time, I just needed to get away. I would say about 80% of those trips proved highly worth it, so when I look at it that way, a little shuffling on the bills for a month or two afterward doesnt seem like a huge price to pay. However, I can recall at least two trips that really hurt my bottom line. One even caused me to get my car reposessed... on Thanksgiving... *smh*

So needless to say, I eventually recognized that I had to stop [some of] the madness. In recent years - although I have admittedly made plenty of other impulsive decisions - I have made only the trips that I had time to plan and stash for, that is, except for last year, when I made a good amount of impromptu trips, but I was also in a position to do so with little impact to anything else.

Today I found myself moving things around and calculating bills down to the penny, trying to free up the dough for the trip I planned to make upstate next weekend. Like I told my girlfriend, I have been feeling like I've been on an island all by myself and I really need to immerse myself in something familiar. I did everything I could to try to make it happen. In the end, I could rationalize the trip, but I couldnt really justify it, if you understand the difference. I was able to "see" the money, but it would have cost me every free cent I had and left me robbing Peter to pay Paul for at least the next two weeks, which on unemployment, is like the equivalent of a month. It just wasnt worth it. Plus I could (literally) almost feel God standing behind me, giving me a side eye, with a backhand slap ready for the back of my head the second I went online and booked a rental LOL. Im serious! I really felt it!

I honestly did wanna go but when the fallback plan was just to go a couple weeks later, its not worth fuckin up the church's money. Yes, I will miss the dedication event at my old high school and probably a shitload of people I havent seen in years, but you know what? I know I made the right decision and that puts me at peace.

There is something to be said for maturity, and at some point, we should all realize that its got nothing to do with growing up. I've been grown for a long time, but to a lot of people - myself included, for a while - that just means the ability to do whatever the hell you want just because you want to and can find a way to do it. Maturity tells a person that if you have to "find a way" to do it and it doesnt involve basic survival, such as food or shelter, it probably isnt worth the trouble.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

If Ya Heart's Filled With Faith....

...then ya can't fear.







Minus the rapper references and the jail time, this pretty much sums up how Im feeling right now. I spent most of the afternoon crying and shouting all through my room, but once I sat down and let things really sink in, a lot of things ran through my mind.

I didnt discuss it much because I dont give shine to haters and naysayers, but I caught a lot of backdoor flack for not packing up the midgets and heading back upstate when Plan A fell apart. There was this person and that person talking about me behind my back - saying one thing to me and then saying something else to somebody else..... there were some even wishing failure on me - like I didnt want to go back because I thought I was better than THEM - waiting for me to return with my head hanging low and a pocket full of excuses.

Yeah, I heard about it, but I refused to address it because I wasnt about to let anybody tell me what limits I should place on my faith. And it was hard. Not worrying is a lot harder than you think when other people's lives depend on every move that you make. You wonder if you are doing the right thing. You wonder if you missed a hint somewhere along the road. But then you remember that nothing you've EVER had in your life has come easy - not even your life itself - and you break out the umbrellas and galoshes and batten down the hatches, preparing to finish weathering the storm.

Next time you hear somebody talking about what they cant do, you tell em you got a friend you'd like them to meet.

Through all the stress (and woo, Lord, yall just dont know! *smh*) I held on to my faith, and I stand here today, saying "thank you" to everybody who had so much to say.

But I dont hear nobody talking now...

I aint dead
I aint done
I aint scared
I aint run

Still I stand
No matter what, baby
Here I am
No matter what, baby

I aint break
I aint fold
They'll hate me more
This year I know

So here I go
No matter what, shawty
Here I go
No matter what, shawty

"So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do is handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity
Manage to conquer every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning's illogical, losing's still far from optional"

One mo gain....

"Even when winning's illogical, losing's still far from optional."

The only person who needs to believe is you. Never give up. That is all.

Oh wait.... there is one more thing.......




I will not lose.

OMG..... *tears all over the place*



Dont let no one stand in your light
Change the way you feel inside
Nobody on this earth
Can tell you what youre worth
Stand up
You're a child of the King
And you can do anything

Thank You Jesus!

The other job I was waiting to hear about?

Yeah.

I got it.

I might be back later, but if you'll excuse me, there is a jig to be danced with my name all over it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

So How Was My Day, You Ask?

Well, remember the conversation I went to have last night with my bed? Very brief. I was up til about 3:45 this morning, just watching TV cause I couldnt go to sleep. #FAIL

But maybe God was talking to my subconscience again. He's slick that way. Guess I'll know when my next bright idea hits me.

Anyway, quickly updating on my progress, I GOT A JOB! Remember I told yall a week or so ago I was "approved to hire" by this place, but had to wait for training to be available? Yeah, that place. They sent me the official offer letter today. I verbally accepted, but havent done so officially. I am still waiting to hear about the job I really want, and should know in the next day or two if I got it or not. Either way, I got a job, and there will be no upstate retreat for me! Woo Hoo!

AND Im down 10 pounds!!! Not no rounding-up-to-the-nearest-whole-number 10 pounds, but a bonafide, honest-to-goodness 10 pounds. Im halfway to my short-term goal of 20, but best case scenario, it wont stop there.

All in all, I'd say its been a good day. I wasnt even all that tired after being up so late.... of course, after I woke up to get the midgets out the door, I got back in the bed until noon, but Im sayin LOL.

Now I can start to focus on the question that was posed to me earlier tonight: what am I gonna do for my birthday? I dont really know. I was asked if I was gonna come upstate to throw my usual party, or if I wanted my crew to come down here and [I guess] do the whole Times Square thing. Interesting that I would get that question today since it did very briefly cross my mind last night, after I read through some of my old journal entries. Some jackhole nearly ruined my birthday the last time I planned to do Times Square. Actually, TWO jackholes nearly ruined that birthday. I pulled it out though. And now I can do Times Square any New Year's I want - PUNK! Now! LOL.... But IDK. I gotta give some thought to that one. Luckily, I still have plenty of time. As always, I'll keep ya posted.

Am I Bored? I Think So LOL

I was kinda thinking I wouldnt blog again until I heard whether or not I got this job, you know, so I could report, but I feel like I should be in here, I just dont know what Im supposed to be saying LOL.

Lets see....

Im holding strong at a solid 95 in my first class so far.

The midgets brought home fundraiser packets but we still dont really know people in Jersey so we just been kinda looking at the pictures LOL.

Although, I am contemplating a trip upstate in a couple weeks if my money is right. They might be able to get some stuff off then, if we go, but honestly, I really dont feel like dealing with no candy orders. I'll buy em some damn headphones and glow pens. Shit.

Spent the last couple hours reading through some of my old hand-written journals from about three years ago, cracking myself up. I called some guy a skinny little gnat with glasses and spit tea all over my sheets when I read it LOL. Otherwise, tonight has been pretty uneventful.

I did, however, listen to channel 843 tonight, which I havent really done in a while. I gotta order some candles and get me some wine and get my mood right though. I miss those nights, just lounging on the couch, lights low, candles flickering, just sipping and jamming, all by myself.

Along those same lines, I was actually thinking about Christmas today. CHRISTMAS! Can you believe it? September isnt even over yet. I blame BET... or TV One, I cant remember LOL.... for showing that damn Preacher's Wife. They showed The Perfect Holiday too, a couple days ago. They know they wrong. But it did make me think about lounging on the couch again, with said candles and libations, watching the Christmas tree lights while the Christmas music plays in the background. I love Christmas music, so what if nobody else does LOL. I kinda love Christmas in general. Not the gifting stuff but just the atmosphere and the spirit of it. Im always kinda bummed when its over.

But first things first, I have to con my kids into skipping Halloween and then deal with the usual disaster that is Thanksgiving (my least favorite holiday). Actually "least favorite" doesnt really cut it - I HATE Thanksgiving, lets just call it like it is, LOL. But I'll get through it with a sarcastic smile as usual and then all will once again be right with the world.

Anyway, I should know about the gig by the end of the week, dude said. Friday he told me they needed more time to make their decisions. I said "cool" and went back to my invigorating game of Bejeweled LOL.

But right now, I believe my bed would like a few words with me, so I shall bid you adieu and you'll know when I know.

Deuces.

R.I.P. Vesta Williams



So Im late, but I'd be remissed to not mention the passing of 53-year old Vesta Williams last week. She was best known for the heart-wrenching 1989 ballad entitled, "Congratulations," that at least made ME cry every time I heard it LOL. She was shunned from the industry due to (according to her account) issues with her weight early on, but had made a modest comeback after shedding over 100 pounds. A voice to be reckoned with, she will be missed by true R&B/Soul fans around the world.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Response: Why Wait?

So my girlfriend blogged about how annoying it is when people repeatedly make New Year's resolutions they know they aint gonna keep, and/or set goals for themselves that are to be held off until New Year's, posing the question: why wait?

I agree wholeheartedly and half remember even blogging about that myself some time ago. The challenge she set forth is to outwardly proclaim some short-term goals to address BEFORE the end of the year. I've actually already started on mine, though not necessarily "outwardly proclaimed" but hey, why not just go on ahead and do that? So here it goes....

- start my Master's by the end of the year (done)
- have various items removed from my credit report (in progress)
- stop smoking (No more than one week into my forthcoming new job)
- send Rent-a-center to hell
- lose 20 pounds (7 down, 13 to go)
- finish writing my three-book series
- begin agency/publishing research

I find myself slipping other small ones in here and there but these are my main focuses and they are plenty for now. I dont wanna bite off more than I can chew and become one of them bitches I'm giving a side-eye to come February.....

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ten Years Later

I watched the 9/11 memorial ceremony on TV today, rather than going to the site, but I plan to go over there very soon. It looks beautiful, and I thought the ceremony was very well put together, despite the butchering or skipping of some of the names being read, but I was even impressed with the effort most made to read and pronounce the very difficult ones correctly.

I was touched by Paul Simon’s performance of “Sounds of Silence,” but I was most affected by all the children who read off the names of the fathers they never had the chance to know, because their moms were still pregnant with them at the time.

I was pregnant with my baby at the time.

She is only nine years old, so all she knows about our greatest national tragedy is what she has seen on TV. She was up early this morning watching the ceremony, but changed the channel halfway through the reading of the names, because she couldn’t take it anymore. I forced myself to continue watching, to ensure that I never forget how short and precious life is and how everything you know can be forever changed in the blink of an eye.

As we remember the victims of September 11, 2001, I’d also like to shout out all the men and women who have, still are, or will someday fight for our country in an effort to protect and preserve our freedoms.

Always remember.

Never forget.

“Freedom Isn’t Free”

Saturday, September 10, 2011

R.I.P. Sis Delores

My mother called me last night. I was on another call with somebody I hadnt talked to in a long time, so I didnt bother to click over, thinking she'd just call one of the kids' phones, since she was probably just trying to see if they had gotten her package yet.

She called again tonight, on my daughter's phone, and spoke to both of the kids, then my son brought the phone to me. I took a writing break and got on the phone, and she said, "I was trying to stay upbeat." I was confused. Then she told me that one of her closest friends died last night, in some freak way. I mean, she wasnt sick or anything, she apparently had knee surgery and somehow got a blood clot that traveled up to her lungs or something like that. It was why she had called last night too.

There was no way I could have known, but I felt horrible.

I didnt know what to say.

I mean, my mother was calling me for solace, of all the people in the world. And she was really, really hurt. This lady and her husband were like the last of a dying breed - people my mother had been close to for at least most of MY life. She was a friend and also like a mother to her, so I couldnt help but feel her pain. Hearing her cry like that.... man. I was so thrown, it was an hour before I could start writing again.

I did pull it together enough to talk her through. She was still all broken up, but she at least seemed to have something to hold on to for better days.

Havent been tested like that in.... damn, EVER?

But for real, Sister Delores (as I've always known her) was a real good woman. I liked her a lot. She is one of those few people that you have no doubt is gonna go to heaven. I hope she rests in peace, and I pray her husband finds strength in this time. I have never seen a couple like them before. They were the Ozzie and Ruby Dee I had in my life, except funnier. I cant even imagine him without her. God bless his and every other broken heart up there tonight. R.I.P. Sister Delores.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Progress Anyone?

Productive week. I mighta got a job.

I say "might" because the email I got regarding my interview yesterday said I was put on the "approved to hire" list, notified me they were running the background check and asked me how soon I'd be able to start, but the wording was gray in terms of whether there would be immediate territory available. I suppose I will find out when she emails me back after the background check results come in. For the record, I'll take the gig if its officially offered, but Im not really happy with the compensation, so if I get one of the other two jobs Im interviewing for next week, I'm gonna go with one of those. Either way, I'll keep ya posted when something is official.

As I mentioned before, books one and three of the series Im writing are done. I did juice up book one this week, and I like it even better now. I think NOW I can say its really done. Today I wrote the outline for the middle book, and Im looking forward to starting that story in a few minutes. Im totally seeing the movie(s) in my mind.

I spoke to my admissions advisor this evening and ordered my books for the first class of my graduate degree, which starts Tuesday. Im actually kind of excited about it.

No plans for the weekend, although Im contemplating taking the midgets down to the 9/11 memorial ceremony on Sunday. Its gonna be packed though. I gotta think about that one. Might be better to just sit home and cry in the private... we'll see.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

These People

*smh*

I had an interview today, right? When I tell you it was a complete waste of my time, I mean the SOLE purpose of that interview today was to give me something to blog about.

I get a call last week from this guy who says he saw my resume on Careerbuilder. Cool. We talk and its a 100% commission-based outside sales position, which really aint my bag, but he positioned it so well that I felt it was worth a look. I figured, worst-case, I'd do it until I found something else.

So he sets up an interview for 1:00 today with this Alex somebody, who he refers to in his email as the President of the company. He gives me the address and phone number and boom - done.

I should have followed my instincts when I looked them up online and saw all these complaints and negative reports about their dealings, but I decided to go anyway.

So I go down there today, already annoyed that it was raining cats and dogs and I had to walk like six blocks from the port authority to get to this building, and when I walked up in this place.... it looked like one of those wack office setups in some B movie you'd rent on a slow, off-season Sunday. Have you ever seen Boiler Room? You know how there were desks and phones and computers, but when the feds came back, it was all gone? LOL Well this office looked like it could be easily erased from existence, just like that.

The carpet in the reception area hadnt been cleaned in... ever, the receptionist (in tight, ashy skinny jeans, a baby tee and hospital crocs) was roaming around for ten minutes, chopping it up with other employees, also dressed like cleaning people, before she ever said a word to me, and that was after I had already been there ten minutes before that, being ignored by everybody else who passed through.

She finally acknowledges me and I tell her I have a meeting with Alex. She tells me to have a seat, but I overhear her telling her homegirl to go get Mike because Alex aint there today. (*staring*) it takes another fifteen minutes for Mike to come grab me, who, incidentally, had also been through that area at least four times prior, cursing back and forth with one of the guys. Who curses like that in front of guests to your office? And why is everybody in here not only NOT dressed to be working in an office, but dressed like youre at home and not planning to go outside AT ALL that day?

Cable and Internet wires all running across the floor, exposed, like somebody's cousin Pete did the installation for a third the price. *smh*

Mike..... sigh..... Mike takes me thru this door and down a hall, thru this small, dirty kitchen, past two factory bathrooms, and brings me into the "boiler room" lol. There are like 3 or 4 offices along the wall and a conference room. None of these offices belong to him and he has no access to the conference room, but he wants me to believe that he is the Director of Sales. Not to mention (picture this) he's about 5'5 or 5'6, in a short-sleeved button up (turquoise/pastel plaid), baggy blue jeans and some white ups, with blonde spiky hair that is trimmed around the edges (a la Jersey Shore's Pauly D) and chunky watch that you couldnt even tell came from Abdul n'em unless you looked real close.

But youre the Director of Sales? *sigh*

He called himself breaking down how the pay works (a roundabout way of not knowing what the fuck he was talking about) and had the nerve to go "September... October... November... no....September... November..... no.... which comes first, October or November? I forget...." I didnt say anything. CLEARLY he wasnt looking for an answer. He asked me again "which one comes first?" COMPLETELY SERIOUS in wanting an answer. You have got to be kidding me, dude.... I almost lost it right then.

So here are the real problems:

-this is one of those places that hire EVERYBODY, figuring some are bound to stay
-if you gonna admit to high employee turnover, at least KNOW youre saying something bad
-the info he gave me did not line up with what the guy on the phone said
-3 to 5 guaranteed appts a day became you might be sitting home that day
-the $/sale became a third that amount, AND not guaranteed, as the bulk of my pay was on residuals, which I was supposed to believe would total $6-10k/month by end of the year.
-I have heard of pay being commensurate with experience but how doesnt everyone at least get paid the same WAY? His explanations were soooo wack.

I asked about Alex and got three different reasons from three different people as to why he wasnt there. I ask Mike who Alex is. Mike tells me Alex is "like the HR person". Titles can be tricky, but Im pretty sure there is a huge difference between "President of the company" and "like.... the HR person." But then he was the Director of Sales, so.....

This man never asked me for my resume, never asked about my background or ANYTHING at all, for that matter. I bet anybody $100 right now that he cant tell you my name. Know why? He never asked.

I shoulda walked out when I felt compelled to, before he ever came out there to get me. I was so insulted and annoyed that he was sitting there trying to bamboozle me, like he does those nineteen year olds floating all thru there, it took everything in me not to read him, but I did call bullshit. I told him there had obviously been some mistake, ya see, I am a seasoned professional. Yall are clearly looking for people newly beginning their career journey.

I came home and emailed the guy who reached out to me initially and told him he was lucky I didnt report them because I have serious doubts about the legitimacy of their business, but I had other shit to worry about, so my advice would be no longer allow their reach to extend to seasoned professionals because a lot of "us" take professional offenses very seriously and somebody was gonna have their asses brought before somebody's committee if they aint get their shit together.

At least I know things have not gotten so bad that I would be willing to compromise my professional integrity for a check.

I wanted to take video of the place so yall could see this shit but I couldnt do it without being obvious and I remember people being killed in that movie.... it just wasnt that serious LOL