Feeling Like The Black Swan

I was up til 6am writing.

6am!!!!!

Its official. Im possessed.

I wasnt just writing it.... I was there. After a while, the story was writing itself. Then at 6am, whatever it was...... was just gone.

But I wrote so many pages, I cant even wrap my mind around it. Its almost done already, no bullshit.

And the fucked up part is, this book is the prequel to the first book I wrote, but the first one has to be released first. In my mind, it couldnt work any other way, but the first one - although, technically, a finished work - needs to be redone, in parts, changed, in parts, and completely rerouted, in parts, and I really should stop the work on this one to do that but I cant.

I just cant....

Last Call

So Im blogging [blatantly lol] from the Bloomberg offices, for what will be the last time. I stopped in to chop it up with a couple of people and take advantage of the free snacks and drink machines in the pantry, before my badge stops working and I officially cant get in the building anymore LOL.

The original plan was to bring all my hardware with me so I could turn it in, but I didnt want to bring all that to the meeting I had prior to coming here, and I didnt leave in enough time to be coming here first. Therefore, ole Mikey will have to wait til Monday to get his shit. Lucky for him, I have an appointment in the neighborhood LOL.

Im just playing, Mikey dont even play that. I can mess around and try to keep his shit if I want to, the federales will be at my door AND I wont get my last check LOL. So let me be clear, Mike, THESE JUST JOKES! LOL

I was a little salty that my admin, who works out of DC, is in the NY office today and sitting at my desk. It kinda took away from my ability to obtain total closure, but its all good.

I said I would sit here long enough to eat my sandwich and do a blog and then I'd be out. My sandwich is gone, this blog is complete, and as long as my rep doesnt turn around and catch me sneaking out, I think I can make it to the elevator with dry eyes.

*looks around*

*sigh*

*hits the lights*

Good Morning

I still aint got no job, but I wrote the first eight pages of my new book last night, and I woke up feeling good as hell. A little tired, cause I literally wrote myself to sleep, but my mind is racing and Im ready to do it all over again....only this time, I only get a couple of hours before I have to get dressed and go into the city for the first time all week.

Im meeting with a staffing agency this afternoon that one of my homies put me on to, and Monday I have an interview for a staffing position with another company. That's positive. I've been speaking with a lady from a third place for the last couple of weeks, and now I am just waiting for her to let me know where I stand in the mix of suitable candidates to move on to the actual interviewing phase of the process.

So things are moving, if ever so slowly, and hopefully something kicks very soon.

Sidebar: How bout somebody replied to my "Letter to My Best Friend" post, thanking me for the words, and including a link to, what I'm assuming, was a response? One, I dont even know no "Chandra", so even though my letter was vague and to more than one person, I shole wasnt talking to her LOL. That being the case, I didnt click the link, for fear of it being a virus, so Chandra if you're out there..... um......

Yeah, just "um" LOL. That's it.

Bitchassness

You know what I just love [read: hate with a passion]? When a dude asks "So how's your boyfriend?" and then gets mad when I say "Still my boyfriend." I'm saying, it would be one thing if you were just hearing that I had one and was curious, or even if you had known, but never inquired, but you ask me that every single time you talk to me, like you're just waiting for me to say something different than I said last time. Bottom line, if he wasnt still great and doing divine by me, he wouldn't still be my boyfriend. It's quite simple.

Now, Im not talking about every guy that asks, because, I occasionally engage with one or two of them in general relationship conversation, so we tend to SWAP inquiries, relative to that. Im talking bout the "sideline since 97," jersey was too small a LONG time ago ass niggas. Why am I even still on your radar?

And I dont even know why these cats care, except to hate. Most of them are either married or involved themselves. If I wasnt with him, I still wouldnt be with you, so stop waiting for me make your day with some kinda story about how he fucked me over or lied or did some other shit that made me or has me on the verge of breaking up with him. Yall should probably worry more about your wives and girlfriends and what she's off doing, that even allows you the time and freedom to be sitting here, all up in my business. Go inquire on that!

That's why I dont even like to get on the chat on Facebook. Its always the same shit. "Who is he?" "I know him?" "Where you meet him at?" Mind your muthafuckin business, how bout that? LOL Nothing I tell you is gonna give you any kinda insight as to the nigga you not, and until you get a handle on that, you will always be that nosy, hatin' ass nigga, hitting bitches up on Facebook who dont want you.

And one dude guilty of this is somebody Im real cool with. I mean, I consider him a friend. But friend or no friend, that's some bitch ass shit, Im sorry. I dont talk to him every day, but even every couple of weeks, why you keep feeling a need to ask me whats up with my man? You my boy - if something had happened, you'd know. So WTF is that shit about? I know what its about, but COME ON SON, what is that about? LOL

#icant

Now or Never

First things first: R.I.P. Amy Winehouse, who was found dead at her London home yesterday, of unclear circumstances. I think we all know what they will determine to have been the cause, but even more unfortunate is the fact that she's more widely known for her addiction and wreckless behavior than for her talent. Instantly, in death, she was flung into infamy, lumped together with a group of other tragic artists who left us at the tender age of 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and, of course, Janis Joplin. Facebook was flooded with jokes - "well they did try to make her go to rehab, and she said 'no, no, no'" - which could only be deemed funny by immature minds, unaware of the loss we've actually suffered..... not just that of a musical innovator, but any sense of our own tragic selves. That is truly a shame.

Outside of that, IDK. I find myself at a loss for words today, which is not a place I frequent. I'm not sure how I'm feeling - kind of optimistic, kind of nervous, kind of in a bubble, like I disappeared and nobody even has any idea that I'm gone. I feel like I have so much to do - so much that I want to do - but have no idea where to start, or if I even have enough time before the money runs out and the bills come due, forcing my hand. It's not really fear though. It's more like..... IDK. I cant explain it.

I decided to hold off on that "dont email me here anymore" email until tomorrow. I figured I would buy myself a little more time to prepare for my mama's inevitable "come back" lecture. I'm sure it's partially the reason I feel like I feel today - I feel a degree of vulnerability associated with disclosing my predicament, but doing so would mean fielding all questions and concerns at once, rather than over an extended period of time, with people learning of it gradually. I'd rather get it over with and deal with it, so I can move on.

One thing holds true: its so much easier to find a job when you already have one. Not only do they somehow pop up out of nowhere, but employers seem to pursue you differently when you are already employed. They hit you with their best offers from the door. When you arent working, it's like they purposely lowball you, thinking you'll jump at just anything, out of desperation. They must not know, I'm not desperate yet, and athough I believe God has a plan for me to be here, I've already ceded to the notion of returning upstate if things dont work out. With everything I've learned here, I'll go back and turn that muthafucka out before I struggle again. For the last couple of days, I've been thinking that might not be such a bad idea. After all, I've already seen that I could step out on faith and make a whole new life for myself and the midgets. I know that's not where I'm supposed to be. If I went back, it would only be a matter of time before I was off to somewhere else.

I feel like tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. God and I are gonna have a chat, and then my laptop is gonna be on fire, and my resume is gonna leave skid marks all over the web. Time to go hard..... or go home.

Update

So its been a productive week, thus far.

I managed to wrangle up an interview with another group within my company. Its a technical position - seemingly more technical than my previous experience has exposed me to - but I'm not going in already defeated. Whether or not they feel my qualifications match what they are looking for, I will walk into that interview as if I am as deservant as any other applicant they are considering, and I will walk out the same way.

I have been contacted with two external opportunities as well. Both are outside sales positions, but only one comes with a base salary, so I'd say they have a leg up, but I am willing to at least hear the other lady out when we speak tomorrow. The earning potential is tremendous, but Im not sure I want something paid solely on a monthly commission. I'll have to hear all the details before I even consider it. The other opportunity sounds cool though. Thats what makes me nervous. It cant be as easy as it seems, but I'd make my own schedule, work from home, and at least make enough to pay the bills. I'm scheduled to speak with that woman this afternoon and I'll weigh things out after I have all the information. Who knows, maybe I could do both, since the setups are similar.

I also got my hands on the book material I had left upstate. My girl found it amongst my things in her attic and scanned and sent it to me. I was so excited about it, I read through all of it in one day. Most of the stories were started back around 2003, judging from some of the references I made at the time. Part of what I'd like to do is bring them into present day, but I must admit - even though the stories are fictitious, at least one of them began loosely based on my life. People who know me personally would see the parallels, but the story ventures off into my own imagination very quickly. I hadnt read over that story in years. I enjoyed it, but I saw where I could beef it up in places and expound a little on at least one of the plots, so I've made note to do so. Two of the other stories that were never finished are promising too. The last one I read had me immediately thinking of what should happen next. I cant wait to get started.

So thats the skinny. Still plugging away at my job hunt, but making progress, and finally getting around to the writing that this blog was originally supposed to encourage. At least Im headed in the right direction.

Well Damn LOL

So I got my notice last week about the impending end of my contract, but clearly, I didnt fully grasp the concept LOL. What was not clearly emphasized in any of the conversations that were had was that they are still gonna pay me through the end of the month, but my services are no longer required NOW LOL.

Nothing is being sent for me to do, which is understandable. If I were disgruntled, I could fuck some shit up on purpose. But damn, emails telling me that I dont need to dial in to the team meeting? LOL I mean, I aint mad about it, cause I can always think of a better use of my 30-45 minutes every week, but is it like that? LOL No wonder my boss was so nonchalant about me telling him I wasnt gonna come in every day cause I had to look for work. He probably wanted to say "oh dont worry about it, sweetie, you dont have to bother coming in at all anymore" but thought it would be rude LOL.

Truthfully, now that I "get" it, I probably wont go into the office more than two or three times, and that will only be to a) follow up on this internal lead I have, b) to have a chat with the rep I worked most closely with, who was on vacation last week and will hear about these changes on the call today for the first time, and c) so I can try to salvage whatever personal information is on my computer. We are definitely not talking about full days. For what? Aint like I got shit to do LOL.

*smh*

The Dish

They say happiness makes you fat and stress causes weight loss. If that's true, you might expect me to be a size six by Christmas.

I wasnt going to blog about this, because I really dont want a bunch of random texts and phone calls, asking me a million questions, but blogging it is probably the best way to circumvent all that, so let's run it down:

As you know, I took this job, that relocated me, on a contract basis, under the premise that I would, in time, be converted to full time. In the duration, I was told that I needed to relocate, yet again, this time to DC. I was in the process of making those arrangements, when I was notified on Wednesday afternoon that due to the terrible numbers our group has put up, headcount would need to be reduced. As a contract employee, my head would be on the chopping block.

My boss seemed genuinely hurt to have to tell me that my contract would be ending at the end of the month, but my lack of emotion wasnt for his benefit. I honestly didnt feel anything at the time. I had seen the writing on the wall a few weeks ago, and my only mistake was not scaling back on my spending like I had intended. Most of the money spent was necessary, but admittedly, I should still be holding. Unfortunately, that isnt the case, so Im resigned to amish living for the next two weeks, being sure not to spend a single unnecessary dime, in light of my impending unemployment.

I've started my search and I've gotten at least one promising bite so far, though its doing something I've been trying to get away from - outside sales. I'd have to really hustle to make the money I'm making now, but I might just have to do it, at least temporarily, if something better doesnt come up first. I hope something better does. Im getting too old for that outside sales shit.

The midgets dont know yet - I have only told them that we wouldnt be moving, like we thought. Thankfully, they havent asked why. I dont feel worry should be a child's lot. But it wont be mine either. I have complete faith that the Lord will create a path out of this situation and guide my feet upon it. Its my only solace at the moment, but in faith, it's enough.

My family doesnt know, and neither did most of my friends, prior to this post. I know the second my mother finds out, she's going to be as unhelpful as humanly possible, trying to convince me to just move back upstate, like that's gonna solve anything. That would just put me back in the position I was in in the first place. Working too hard for too little money, hating winter and anyone under the age of eighteen who I dont share a bloodline with, and most people over twenty-five, whether I share a bloodline with them or not. Of course, it wouldnt be the end of the world if I had to - I have a host of friends and loved ones I'd be glad to have around again - but I wanted a fresh start, and I was blessed enough to get one. I'm not going to piss it away just because my first gig here pulled out. I'd have made a way if this had happened upstate, and I'll make a way now.

That being said, I'm still loving life, living love, and optimistic about the future. That doesnt mean I wont experience some random moments of panic or uncertainty, but I still believe that everything happens for a reason, and I'm not giving up just yet. Your prayers, as always, would be greatly appreciated.

Donny Days

"Hang on to the world as it spins around
Just dont let the spin get you down
Things are moving fast
Hold on tight and you will last
Keep your self respect, your manly pride
Get yourself in gear, keep your stride
Nevermind your fears
Brighter days will soon be here
Take it from me
Someday, we'll all be free...."

Another Trying Day

You know, that's not true. I just had a trying hour, but it ruined my entire day.

I had a presentation to do for four people pretty high on the food chain, who I very little interaction with before today. Two of them actually work from, or spend a lot of time in the NY office with me, and the other two are pretty steadily in DC. I prepared mentally for the challenge - or so I thought - but I had allowed myself to get so intimidated by the bars on their lapels, that I found myself drawing blanks, getting tongue-tied, and totally losing my footing during the demo. I'd stumble on something and have the damndest time recovering, making me even more nervous, and that is unusual for me. I've carved my career on being the clutch player. I've always been good under pressure. Today, I just fell apart.

I managed to get through the forty-five minute presentation, but it took everything in me not to run out of the room when I was done. I braced myself for the feedback, knowing I had buckled under the pressure, and while it wasnt that brutal, I couldnt help but feel patronized by what was said. Some consideration was taken for the fact that I am so far removed from the real goings-on of our business by being in NY, where everyone else on my team is based in DC, but I didnt want that to even become a factor. I wanted to leave that presentation feeling like I instilled the confidence that I was just as knowledgeable and adept at my job as anyone else, but that didnt happen. In fact, I feel like I made myself a target, being contracted as opposed to permanent, and not being as exposed to the trench fire as my counterparts, due to the fact that the reps I partner with are so hands-on and handle most of their customer interactions themselves.

One thing I realized while I was recounting the experience to my boyfriend is that I had created the majority of the pressure myself, but it didnt make dealing with my perceived failure any easier. The people I presented to seemed to say I made mistakes commong among my peers, but that wasnt good enough for me. I NEEDED to knock this out the box. I needed the group to see that I was capable and that I knew my job. This is a presentation that I have done dozens of times in front of customers, but when it came down to a certification of my ability to do it, I choke, and I feel awful. The perfect run of it I had in my mind did not translate in that room today. Now Im left wondering what the written feedback will say and what my boss will think of it. It could make him even more eager to have me in DC, which the panel was happy to hear was in the works, or it could make him question whether or not I even belong there. Of course, as my own worst critic, I could be making more of the situation that there really is to it, but Im in a competitive position and failure, even only in my mind, is just not acceptable.

So all I can do right now is sip from this red plastic cup and stew on what is to come. I still feel panicked, even though the meeting was five hours ago, and I feel like it will be a few days before Im okay again. I hope I am making a mountain of a mole hill. I just know that if I were on the other side of that table today, I wouldnt feel confident in my abilities. At this moment, what I think of it is all that matters and I cant get out of my own head, but I guess I'll see soon enough....

*sigh*

Reel It In, Dig, Reel It In

Im feeling very unfocused today. I wanna blog. I wanna write a love song. I wanna do something that will harness all this energy I seem to have gotten out of nowhere and make it into some kind of productive force. But its just not working. I haven’t been able to maintain my attention on any one thing I have tried to do all morning. I joked with one of my friends today that she has ADHD, but I seriously feel like I have it right about now. I was, at one point, three paragraphs into an email and just up and decided I didn’t wanna write it anymore and deleted it LOL. IDK WTF is going on today.

I have had two cups of coffee, but that’s no different than any other day. That swig and a half of five-hour energy that I tried was like two days ago, so if its that, results is delayed like a muthafucka LOL.
I really don’t know where all t his energy came from but its got me borderline restless and I HATE feeling like that, especially without reason. I did go to bed a little earlier than usual the last couple nights. I guess it could have something to do with that. It was sudden though. I felt normal, waking up this morning, getting ready for work, and even on the commute. I didn’t start feeling wired until about an hour after I got here. Hmmpf. Oh well. Nothing I can do but try to find something to do with it.

I do have good news – the midgets had awesome report cards. They didn’t go to school on the last [half]day because they were upstate, so I had to go pick the report cards up yesterday. One’s got six A’s, 3 B’s and 2 C’s, and the other has 11 A’s and 3 B’s. Proud mama, right here, folks! Im bringing them down to the job this afternoon so they can finally see the building they keep hearing about. After that, we’re gonna walk around to some of the local shops, then finish our city evening with dinner at the restaurant of their choice – like I don’t know what that’s gonna be LOL.

The rest of the weekend – after we do our grocery shopping tomorrow – will likely be spent cleaning. My room should have yellow tape around it. Its ridiculous. Its always like that when I’ve been traveling like a crazy person – home just long enough to swap out the clothes in my bag, bring the mail in, and take the garbage out, and sometimes those last two things don’t make the cut, but dammit, it can wait til I get back, LOL. So Operation Clean This Shit Up will be in full effect.

Im also gonna take a little time and do some real searching. I’ve perused Monster, rather nonchalantly and with little intent, but before I throw that last 1.6% on the 98.4 of me moving to the DMV area, I really oughta give a legitimate look to the alternative. What I did see in my penny ante browsing really didn’t instill much confidence in finding something I was suited for that would pay what I need it to, but if you’re gonna weigh all the options, you gotta give em all a fair shake. The summer is already winding down, school will be starting in a matter of weeks, and I don’t have the luxury of time. I was pretty much resigned to the idea of just moving, but this morning, I was compelled to take another look. Something just said look again. IDK where it came from, but what could it hurt. I admit, I love where I am and I really don’t wanna go, but it will be what it will be, and wherever I end up, I got my trusty compass to always help me find my way back home…… I remember when I first said that. I couldn’t even be sure where home was. Now I’m starting to realize that, for me, home isn’t a place. Home is a state of mind – that level feeling….. contentment….. peace….. where everything is just as it should be. That’s home.

So I guess I ought to go find something to eat, then come back in here and try to get focused, so I can work on my mock presentation for this afternoon. Somewhere in the thick of the last half hour, I started to physically calm. I don’t feel all wired anymore. However, what was all rambunctious energy is now a cyclone of unfocused thoughts. Eh. I guess I at least know how to handle those…..

#silverlining

Wow.

Casey Anthony may not have killed her 2 year-old daughter, Caylee, but personally, I believe she at least knows who did. As apathetic as she comes off, I still think she would have a hard time doing it herself. I think she stood idly by and allowed someone else to do it, sparking this shitweb of lies she’s been spewing since day one. But that’s just my opinion, based on the facts of the case as I know them, and based on the behavior that she has exhibited since the onset. Accidentally drowned in the family pool my ass……

And lets go with that. Let’s say Caylee “accidentally drowned in the family pool.” Why report her “missing” if you know she’s dead? And why did it take 31 days for her to even do that? COME ON SON! That grease don’t even smell right.

Having been on Facebook earlier, when the verdict was fresh, I know there are some people out there who are annoyed that people are reacting, very vocally, to the news of Casey Anthony being found not guilty. I contend that it would be foolish, if not irresponsible, to expect any less. What happens in these courtrooms across America indirectly affects all of us. You don’t yell loud enough when an injustice occurs, and you end up with 8 years of Bush.

Im just sayin.

New Mercies

My nephew got into a really bad car accident on Sunday. The vehicle flipped five times before landing on a tree, which it split in half, but by the grace of God, he and his two friends walked away with their lives.

I was on my way. I remember being about two hours out when my mother called. I really need her to not be the person to call me for things like this. I was sure my nephew had died, she put so much on it, but this was the one time I was grateful that she is just overly dramatic. He’s eighteen years old. I had just seen him ten days earlier, when I was up there last, and he had just graduated high school two days before that. The notion that he might have been killed in that accident paralyzes me every time I think of it, so I try not to. But when I look at my own son, now thirteen years old, with a lot of teenage antics yet to pursue, I cant help it.

My other nephew, this one’s older brother, totaled my sister’s last car, and now his little brother has done the same. I, myself, took my mother’s car, without her permission, and totaled it, when I was eighteen or nineteen. Myself and my two friends were lucky enough to walk away from that accident as well. I shudder to think that this would be some sort of rite of passage for all kids to take….

It makes me sad to think of what COULD have happened, but very grateful that nothing like that did. Thank you Jesus!

When to Wash It......

According to MSN:

Bras

How often you should wash them: After 3 to 4 wears.

What to know: Bras don't come into direct contact with the underarms, so they can withstand a few wearings. But they need a 24-hour break between wears for the elastic to recover, so try a rotation system: Line them up in a drawer. In the a.m., take a bra from the front, then send it to the back of the line in the p.m.

Exception to the rule: Sweat a lot? Then wash bras daily with a gentle baby detergent, like Dreft. "Perspiration wears down the elastic, so keeping a bra clean will increase its life span," says Jennifer Manuel Carroll, owner of the Seattle lingerie shop Bellefleur.

Jeans



How often you should wash them: After 4 to 5 wears.

What to know: Durable denim is excellent at masking dirt—which is a good thing, since overwashing can cause jeans to fade and fray. To keep yours looking like new (or "weathered" just the way you want them): Throw them in the washer inside out and use cold water. Avoiding the dryer will help retain color, too.

Exception to the rule: Take them for a spin cycle sooner if they stretch out. Or just toss them in the dryer for 10 minutes (but no more than that). Spandex-heavy "jeggings" (jean leggings) should be washed after every wear so the knees don't bag.

Swimsuits



How often you should wash them: After every wear.

What to know: Salt and chlorine will eat away at a swimsuit and stretch it out prematurely. Hand wash your suit with cool water and a gentle detergent, like Soak ($10 for four ounces, soakwash.com for stores), which deep-cleans and removes that notorious chlorine smell. Allow the suit to air-dry.

Exception to the rule: None. Even if you only dipped a toe in the water, a swimsuit, like underwear, is an intimate garment that absorbs body oils, bacteria, and odors. Best to wash it every time.

*****

Really, swimsuit? Somebody gotta tell you that? LOL Damn the chlorine explanation, if the thang goes all up in your "treats" ya need to wash it every wear LOL. *SMH*